I am depressed again.

I'm not mad at myself for it.

I realized because things that don't usually bother me
Are starting to eat away at me like invisible cancer
That doesn't show up on the scans
But I can feel it in my chest
An illness only I can see

I am diseased
Mentally

My brain has been infected with bugs lately
Everyone of them attempting to convince me I am not worth the work or the money or the hurt
That maybe none of this matters
That maybe I miss them

That maybe
It still makes me sad
To wonder about.  

I started staying up late again
Feeling sad and alone into the early hours of the morning

Depression is so frustrating because everyone around you has no idea what's happening so you just stand there talking nonsense trying not to let them peek but some part of you wants them to understand so badly

But how could they?
After all

Depression lusts after lonely
Depression sweeps isolation up in his arms and twirls her
Romantically
Depression loves that I love how I write when he's here
Depression doesn't have a name
But when he visits me I am split between angry and nostalgia

Because I know sad
Well
It is familiar
It is like family
It visits me
And I cannot decide how long it will stay
But I can brave conversations

I cannot run away.

the day starts with shirley
who comes in just after eight
for her 20oz chai
"what kind of milk?"
"doesn't matter"
punches her own coffee card
tells me about her puppy
kayla is next her hair and
makeup always perfect
about as nice a landlady as
one can have in a town like this

from there it's a constant
stream of people
who i watch out for and
who don't know i'm doing it

janice lives alone and thinks
people are stealing her money
doesn't understand
the tests her doctors want
she can't remember
what she always orders
it's a turkey club sandwich no bacon
on toasted oatmeal regular chips no pickle
a to go box for the leftovers
and some kind of chocolate treat in a bag
because she only eats when
she comes in here

two weeks ago
i accidentally switched
barb's 12oz soy chai
with someone else's
12oz whole milk chai
it wasn't enough dairy
to give her a problem
in fact she didn't seem
to remember it
but i made her another for free

nic stopped for his afternoon coffee
didn't laugh at anything just stared
blankly into space and said he
thought he was getting sick
had too many things to finish
the day before when i was waving
to him from the parking lot
so i took my dog to the
back door of his office and
we barked until he came out
patted us both on the head
and said he felt better

we're all creatures of habit
like mckenna who arrives
like clockwork
between one thirty and two
tuesday through saturday
leans on my bake case while
i count my tips and add random
ingredients to different drinks
in a reckless attempt
to break up the monotony
and he drinks them all
like clockwork
no matter how bad they are

rita doesn't smile since she broke her hip
in fact i haven't seen her since
walt got sick and he and joan
moved upstate to be closer to their son
i worry about something happening to ray
who will take care of rita?
whose laugh used to echo off the walls
and fill the place up
pat's smoking again and it turns out
he has congenital heart failure
gail had a fall, a stroke and
suddenly died

i make the same dumb jokes
only a few people smile at
i sing to myself
and people point it out

karen sits in her motorized wheelchair
ice and snow dripping from the wheels
onto the scratched, muddy floor
and tells me i'm pretty and funny
and have a beautiful voice and
i look at karen, her head tilted to
the side and spit hanging from her
buck teeth and wonder why such a
wonderful funny girl with a heart of gold
had to have the body she's stuck in

why life is ****
and why i'm trying
i swear i'm trying
fighting
for something
i don't know what

why we fight
why we try
to make the world
a better place
when nothing can really change
any of these dismal facts

(there are three grounds
floating on the top of my coffee
it's too late at night to be
drinking this coffee)

i'm just kind of
irritated is all

spending too much time
with myself gets to me
but other people get
to me more

my friends could tell you i hate
touching butter
surprises
and kisses
three things which tend to be
jarring and unsanitary

they could also tell you
they hate your guts

(i remove the grounds
with my spoon and swoosh
the coffee around in circle
so it hits the sides)

after that stunt you pulled
where you pulled me
too close for my comfort
and kissed my cheek

we're not counting that as
my first kiss because it was
not funny or sweet or
any other sentimental epithet

it was
irritating

(the candle is burning
low but i don't mind
i've got all night
to tap out my mind)

and you can only imagine
how pleased i was to find
a very neatly wrapped
package with my name
all wrapped up in ribbons and
a bow the day after my birthday

i didn't open it for
a whole day out of spite
put it in the lost and found
until you moved it back

it was actually a nice
useful gift which you
presumably spent
$40 or so on

which only added
to my irritation

(its getting cold so i start
chugging it but lukewarm
coffee chugged down isn't the
most satisfying way to drink it)

so i wrote a very
passive aggressive
thank you note about
how nice friendship was

and had a dream that you
demanded to know why
i picked someone over you
i didn't have a good answer

(and there's the bottom of
the mug with two more
coffee grounds stuck in the
pocket drop you never can get)

i get ****** when
i'm irritated

and i'm usually somewhat
irritated with you