For those nights when you just want to cry
But the tears refuse to fall
For those days when you just want to leave your bed
But your legs fail to move.

When your mind follows an endless cycle
Of frustration and anxiety
Resulting in a downward spiral of depression
Into an abyss of darkness and self hatred

The only thought being your desire for the emotions to just stop;
The wanting to exist without the feelings;

The feelings of failure;
Constant self condemnation;
Endless frustration;
Unbounded worthlessness;
Inexhaustible mental agony.

When there's a war in your mind
As you battle against yourself
Day after day
Week after week
Constant, never ending fighting.

I’m tired of being second best.
I’m tired of being the one you call at midnight
Wanting to rant and rave about life
And all your ******* ****!

What happened to calling up friends just to say “hey”?
What happened to calling up someone just to tell them you miss them?
What happened to all the good times?
What happened to make me your diary?

I’m tired of being needed only when something goes wrong.
I’m tired of hearing about all your problems!
I’m so ******* tired of texts and calls without so much as a “hi”
I’m tired of you complaining and never taking my advice.

When you can take me seriously
As a friend and a confidante;
When you can take my advice
Rather than coming back with the same complaints again and again;
When you can treat me as a person
And not an emotional punching bag;
Then I might consider letting you back in.

I don’t want to be second best anymore
I don’t want to come after all your issues
But I can’t change the fact that that’s the way you see me.

I’m done with trying to fix things for you
I’m done trying to help you
If you can’t fix yourself and your own problems
Then there’s nothing left for me to say.

When you keep coming back wanting new advice for the same thing
Over and over, there’s nothing I else I can do.
I’ve given you all I have
But you throw it back in my face
So here’s to the end
The end of me being second best to all your problems.

Love can banish the darkness
But love can also cause it,
So choose your love wisely

It's 1 am and he called to wake me up.
Foggy mind,
Sleepy brain,
Sluggish limbs.
I answered not really paying attention to him
I'm too tired to think
Too tired to realize what's being said.

It's 1:15 am and I'm taking the elevator down to meet him;
But I get downstairs and finally realize what's happening
I'm not seeing him but rather I'm looking at you

It's 1:20 am and all I can think is that I shouldn't have picked up the phone.
I'm waking up
But it's too late
I've sealed my fate,
I'm still a little foggy
Still a little sluggish
I keep walking with you as I try to figure out if this was a mistake and if I should leave.

It's 1:30 am and we're in the bathroom and no one is around.
I'm fully awake
And you've asked,
I'll give credit to you for you did ask
But I was hesitant
I don't actually know you

It's 1:40 am and you're getting annoyed because I said no and all we're doing is talking
Talking
Talking
Talking
You want more
But I don't know what to do
Say yes and word is spread:
She's a ****,
She's a *****,
She sleep with everyone.
Say no and who knows what happens:
She's a *****,
You'll do it anyway,
You walk away.
Either way it could turn bad for me,
For you don't seem the type to take no as an answer

It's 1:45 am and I say no so you ask if I like music.
You say let's dance as music flows from the phone speakers.
I'm pushed against the bathroom wall.
No one is around.
It's quiet but for the music.
Night is fully present outside.

It's 1:50 am and I'm pushed against the wall with your body completely covering mine.
I don't want to be here.
I want to leave.
I'm not comfortable.
I said no.
And yet those are you're fingers pulling aside my shorts
And those are you fingers pushing my ******* away.
That's your other hand holding my hips in place
While your body holds me immobile.

It's 1:53 am and I'm panicking
I'm terrified
I don't know what to do!
What's happening?
I said no.
Is this my fault?
Did you read into this as me leading you on?
Why is this happening to me??!!

It's 1:54 am and I'm held against the bathroom wall when all I want is to not be here!
Slowly, you've pushed my pants aside,
Now I feel you pressing against my back.
When did you take your pants off?!
Slowly you're sliding yourself inside me
Hoping that I won't notice?
Hoping that I change my decision?
Hoping to ease my mind?

It's 1:55 am and the panic has taken control
Adrenaline is pumping through my veins
Fight or flight is pushing for my survival.
Unknown strength kicks in as I push off the wall
I knock you backwards
You trip over your pants wrapped around your ankles.
I rearrange my clothes so they're back where they should be
And I run for the door.
You call me a ***** and tell me not to leave until you put your clothes back on.

It's 2:00 am and I'm walking away, waiting as the minutes pass so you don't follow me home.
I'm standing outside the elevators
Debating whether or not to take it up
Or run up the stairs instead.
I don't want you to know where I live,
Even he had never been to my home.

It's 2:04 am and I'm still standing outside the elevators when you text me
Not knowing what to expect,
I consider deleting it without opening it,
But truth be told, curiosity gets the better of me,
5 words is all you write:
You're a ******* fat *****.

It's 2:07 and I finally decide I've waited long enough and take the elevator.
I walk into my apartment and head straight for my room.
I fall on the bed.
Everything plays back through my mind.
I question everything;
Why did I answer my phone?
Why did I go downstairs?
What was I thinking?
Why didn't I leave sooner?
Was this all my fault?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why me?
It's my fault.
It's all my fault.
My fault
My fault.
My fault.
My fault.

It's a few weeks later, New Year's Eve, and I'm out with a friend.
I tell her about him and I tell her about you
And the first thing she says is that you tried to **** me.
You tried to **** me
**** me.
****. Me.
****.
****.
****.
The word circles my mind.
It's the first time the word connects with what happened.
With what you tried to do.

It's minutes later, as we move away from the crowds waiting for the fireworks so we can have privacy.
****.
I argue that it doesn't connect
For you weren't inside me for long.
The word seems far fetched
Like that didn't happen to me
All because you never had the chance to ****** inside me again and again.

Days, weeks, months, years pass and I "come to terms" with what happened.
I realize it may not be categorized as **** but it was ****** assault.
I keep what happened close to me.
I don't want the memory of you in my head
I push aside what happened
I refuse to think about it
And when I do, I down play what I went through in those few minutes.

It's 3 years later and I'm finally realizing that what I thought was my "acceptance" of what happened was only dreaming.
I know I haven't recovered mentally
Not yet
Maybe I won't.
But I'm finally realizing I have to face that night
I have to face what happened
So that I can move forward
So that the memories stop haunting me
So that I don't live with the shame and embarrassment.
But most important of all,
I'm finally realizing that
IT
WASN'T
MY
FAULT!

It's been 3 years this month and I'm facing what happened.
I was assaulted.
I was forced into something I wasn't comfortable with.
And it wasn't my fault.
These are the facts.
3 years and I'm finally coming out and saying what happened to me.
3 years and I'm finally acknowledging what happened to me.
3 years and I'm finally facing what happened to me head on.
3 years and I'm finally willing to talk about what happened to me.

Don’t tell me you’re open minded
When you squeeze your eyes shut
At the mere idea that you *might be wrong.

I'm so tired,
So tired of it all.

I'm tired of the sadness and tears;
Of the loneliness and despair,
Of the constant silence and emptiness.

I'm tired of the fear and darkness;
Of the memories that crawl through my mind,
Of the shame and terror they inspire.

I'm tired of the lies and pretending;
Of the words that leave my mouth,
Of the false "I'm fine" phrases.

I'm so tired,
So tired of it all.

I'm tired of the worries and stress;
Of the horrible scenarios,
Of the amazing scenarios.

I'm tired of the headaches and pain;
Of the emotions cartwheeling around,
Of the spiritual and emotional drain.

I'm tired of the heartache and failure;
Of the feeling of never being enough,
Of the quiet before it all hits.

I'm so tired,
So tired of it all.

The winds whip through,
Blowing her hair into his waters.

His arms stretch forth,
Pushed by the waves, landing at her feet.

In between her hands of sand
His own hands of water lay.

A lost love, intangible;
Always in sight, but never attainable.

She disappears as he creeps closer,
Filling him with her love.

His love disappears as he recedes,
Leaving her with remnants of his currents.

Her empty shells
Reach towards his depths.

A lost love, intangible;
Always in sight, but never attainable.