Do it out of love
or do it not at all
for the power in your heart
should not pull on the strings of mine
it should dance with them, tangle them
in a web that catches fallen pieces
when my paper skin loses integrity
it should color them
when the grey has covered everything

Do it out of love
or do it not at all
the force that drives your lips to mine
should not derive from the same place
that drives you to work in the morning
or to bed at night
for these are chores
and I have been there before
so I ask you to do it out of love
not habit, nor chore
do it out of love
I've never had that before

Suddenly it's 4am
I'm purging into my pillow again
I realize no one's come in since you left
Nor has anyone tried to

Suddenly the sun is rising
Bringing light to memories I hid
Under layers of makeup and laughter
Were months I pretended I was healed
And in that light I realize,
I never lost the feeling of what we had
Our days are faded images in my scrapbook mind, my attic stays dark and shady,
But early twilights in late August wipe clean the wool I've let cover them comfortably
Suddenly it's 4am
On the first day of the 6th month since you left
And I realize, I'm still there, acting like it was a theft,
And just like a crime, you'll do your time, but justice would be served, you'd come back

And suddenly,
I realize,
This is real life
And you aren't

I remember the first time you called me fat
I forgave you

And for that, I struggle to forgive myself

I remember the first time you called me annoying
My chest fell into my gut
The feeling of my stomach acid eating at the words I pushed back  down my throat with whatever simple starch I could salvage
Is something I'll always remember

I remember the first time you said I broke your heart
And just how mine stopped
And how in 3 weeks it'll be a year since I gave my body away to a stranger and you held it over me like a plague in medieval times would've spread across my weakened body
I remember it strongly
I remember our first kiss,
I remember our last,
I remember the day I knew I didn't love you anymore,
If I could get that feeling to pass,
Because it's unfair you're happy,
When I'm still stuck in January when you told me in bullet form everything I did wrong
And it didn't make sense how I tried to leave but you wouldn't let me
Nd then you left
It isn't fair
You're gone, you're there,
And I'm no one, I'm nowhere

Falling in half love
With everyone I meet,
Scared to go in past my feet.
Afraid to open up
Hesitate to divulge the feelings
That hang as painful cliches
But hurt just the same
as if they were open wounds
I still wonder what healing is like for you.

Or if you even had to.

The moon feels lonely
But how it feels,
I know.
People just always
Come
And
Go.