You'll know you're
One of the many
Messed up people
When you start to think
This way:

If I die a crucial death, will those who love me imagine themselves to be in my place as I'm dying?

You'll know
You're as messed up
As they get
When you start to
Think like I do

Sinking into my bed
Used to feel so comforting
But now,
Without you to
Leave the sheets all wrinkled
By your incessant
Turning and twisting
To get yourself comfortable enough,
It's now left to be just a bed
A bed I sleep in
A bed where I lay
Every night, dreaming of you
And wondering
If all the twisting and turning
You did should have warned me
You were never at peace
In my presence, I must've noticed
But I let myself be blinded
By how you'd pull me to you
When you thought
I was long gone asleep
Or perhaps you knew
Perhaps you knew all along
I've been keeping myself up
And trying to engrave in my brain
The way you'd twist and turn
In hopes of remembering
You precisely once you left
Because I always knew you
Eventually would
Leave me

I wanna be asleep
But i don't wanna go to bed.

I wanna do something intesresting
But i just wanna stay home

I wanna socialize
But i don't wanna be social

I wanna listen to music
But i just want silence

I'm hungry
But not in the mood for food

I wanna get over this..
But most of all i don't want to do this anymore.

Dear thickness,
Dear bold flesh I call shelter of leg,
protection for this body I call home
Dear thighs.
You are more important than you think
more crucial than you've been told
more space than I know what to do with and
more vocal than most other girls' quiet but
your prominence is nothing to hide
your existence is not an apology ready to be given,
your presence does not want to be covered
the way you suffocate yourself into a pair of jeans is
a talent unlike any other
or on hot summer days when skin comes out to
kiss itself between your graces
leaving marks as evidence
what some would call chub rub,
I call magic,
an inability to resist touching,
Thighs.
You never let clothing,
or temperature,
or weather come between you
you are passionate lover,
the proud I always strive to be
the unapologetic beauty I wish was all of me
you maintain the confidence I have to dig for to find within myself
you have so much potential built into the many layers of thick
I cannot tell you enough how important it is
Some say you save lives and
I would have to agree
but still
I know that there have been times when I have neglected you
moments where I have been blind in acknowledging your worth
It is not an easy feat to love the parts of yourself we are taught from
such an early age to hate
magazines have always said be small while
you have always aimed for big
trends tell you to grow in when
all you've ever wanted is to grow out and
expand into a galaxy built of freckles and skin,
you are human as human as gets
I have made you into a warzone on more than
one occassion and for that I am sorry
I am sorry
for more than one reason
I am sorry that this world has twisted your greatness into embarrassment
I am sorry that people have tried to make an apology out of your density
I am sorry that we live in a society that keeps telling you to shrink
I am sorry for all of the times I have wanted you to.
It has taken me years to be thankful for your holy,
you are the answer to my every prayer for health
you are living proof of survival,
Thighs.

This is my proclamation of appreciation
This is my asking forgiveness
I never meant to make you feel anything but needed
Thighs.
you were not made to be thin
you were not meant to be shy
you were built to be the loudest voice in every room
head turning, eye catching, without remorse
you are never silent
even when I am
and for that,
I love you.

maybe love is to watch a thousand winters pass, and still stand by his side because you know he's made of spring

obviously masked
standing still in the middle of a crisis
my heart remaining the same as it is
but my expressions
oh, what they're giving away
cannot be taken back

"i'd do it all over again," he repeated.
"and that's what makes me a monster."

i wonder which hurt him more
the fear in my eyes that showed
or the pity
or maybe how i said
"no, but, you're just a boy."
because i was once told
it's not what you say but how you say it.

when my hair gets windswept
and the sky is blue
and the secrets are still kept
i will remember you

when all i have left of you
are these polaroid pictures
i won't feel so gloom
and i'll continue to capture

moments that only we share
to keep me from my despair

to keep me from forgetting you