Ive let myself believe
for so long
that you had broken me.
Because I loved you.
But I know that I am not broken,
just so disappointed in myself
for forgetting for so long that
love does not apply to me
not your kind of love anyways.
I came into your life,
to build you into the man you
needed to be.
and when that task was finished,
you were finished with me.
This is what I came to do
but I forgot
to stay disengaged.
and I am ashamed.
so I will move on
to the next broken man
who needs a little help
from a strange soul.

already promising life times,
fearless.
finally.
ready to let go.

You're right back
where you never belonged.
In the illusion of love
you find in her arms.

I wish the world were blind,
so love could be.

Staring through my reflection
at the lobsters in the tank.
Tears welling, not for them; but me,
envious of their imminent fate.

I am searching for a partner.
A kindred soul.
someone much like myself,
looking to run away from it all.
I have the plan,
I just need a friend.

Imagine to find
a cave, hiding behind a waterfall,
in a stress free world, away from society.
Denouncing our stance as humans, and conducting our lives as animals might.
Living in nature.
somewhere beautiful.

What I hate most
is the image you left in my head
of the little, strawberry blonde girl,
following me everywhere I go.

because
you were the one too afraid to move on.
And i was the one begging for forever.

So you handed me
this perfect idea,
of me and you
and this fictitious child.

and i fell in love with us.
the future.
and you left
and stole from me a life id yet to live.

But ****,
how badly I wish
I could live in that fantasy.

Where at least,
you still love me.

I forgot to come
to you to save me from my
Enchanting nightmares.

The only love I long for,
is your nicotine breath.

I am the proverbial cat.

Curiosity has stuck me in a box,
where I am both alive and dead .

Curiosity about human emotions,
left me scratching at the doors
of this lifeless body.

I am but a soul,
chasing smaller beings
that have no chance.

I am not alive, and dead.
I am not alive, or dead.

I am not a cat.

I am a walking paradox.

I do not believe in your God,
yet the piece of me
that I have given to you,
will define itself with your catholicism,
and you,
my darling priest,
will always be the closest to God
that I dare to reach.

Were the world mine to give,
I would keep it.

I spent my evening weaving
together a fantasy
of the future I silently ache for.

I dreamt of finding love,
somewhere where love belongs.

So imagine my surprise
upon drifting into sleep
to find somewhere in the
depths of my subconscious


you are there.
begging me not to move on.

It's only tomorrows
lingering in my past.
Every
wasted
one.

Blonde hair,
straightened into submission.
Face made up,
hiding the flaws.
'Beautiful'
I wonder what the world
sees,
when they call you beautiful.
Because when I look at you
all I see is your contorted soul,
twisted into a being
built on the pain of others.
Under that makeup,
under that skin,
under that superficial idea,
you have no idea what beauty is.

Why am I thinking of you,
in these moments.
Knowing, there is no chance.
smitten.
Infatuated.
dying for your attention.

Maybe if I dress up.
Curl my Hair.
Make up my face.
wear a dress to hug all of my curves.

Maybe if you look at me
and only see
the ****** thoughts
That have consumed me
for so long.

maybe,
you'll push me into
that wall
and slam your body into mine

Maybe the heat between our bodies
will be unbearable
and you'll finally
succumb to me.

or maybe,
I will show up in sweats,
with my hair thrown up,
and I'll cry on your bed
while you cook me some
Comfort foods.

and everything will
be like it always is.
While you think
I am still crying over him,
and not you.

Caution:*

Powered by Love:
     Heart not included.

Broken toys disappoint

anxiety consuming,
sleep deprivation sinking in
more coffee than I care to admit.

attractive men
passing
without a passing glance

still flustered from security
bobby pins alarming.
terrorism, undoubtedly.

still people watching.
hoping some man
might look my way.

remember I look 12,
not 21.
maybe I am just ugly.

doesn't help that I am
holding onto Oliver,
my stuffed turtle,

as if he is
the life
hiding in my soul.

coffee, coming back to me.
every emotion intensified.
bladder swollen, nervous.

only 9 hours,
to home.
if ever there was.

when you joked
and said I had no heart,
nothing but a
seething black hollow,

were you really just telling me
from the start
that you would leave me
and what would follow?

Our strange skins collide,
meeting the first time in lust.

'let go'*
she says,
as she reaches in to
the deep pit of my chest,
and retracts the brittle
shrunken heart.
Once swollen with her love.
now hers, to keep.
whatever twisted,
Awful mess
shes found.

In all my broken pieces
I hope you kept one.

How have I become
the woman
sitting with tear welling eyes
reading bukowski
alone at the bar
ignoring the strippers
no matter how tempting
ignoring the presence
of your smile across the room
begging to see my own
because darling
i could love you
if i could see through these tears
Or past those naked *******.

I am falling madly in love,
with your hand,
holding mine.

The fact that love demands ***,
but *** does not demand love
tells me only to be weary
of humanity,
and the priorities we set for ourselves.

I can still taste
last nights smokey kisses,
under the sturdy tree.

sitting on the front porch,
begging for a never ending night.

begging for more tonight.
wondering about the entirety
if still there is any reality.

assumptions,
finally proven wrong.

My mom read my poem.
All she had to say
"Well that's just depressing"

My mother, the woman
Ive found cowering
in the corner of her closet
holding the gun to her tears
and begging for escape.

Depressing.

My mother, the woman
who tells me that after
30 years of marriage
she wishes she had never said yes.

Depressing.

THAT woman.
Who has the audacity to tell me
that she wishes
I had never been born.

Depressing.  

How can you expect me
to love myself,
when you can't
even love me...

Depressing.

look at the example you've set.

Eyes open
mouth open
inhale.

INHALE.
oxygen!

new day,
must remember how to breathe.
while in my sleep,
my body pleaded to forget.

I wake.
I gasp.
I grasp.
I am suffocating.

Nightmares,
or are they?

Go back to sleep,
body will not function.
You are not breathing.
you are still dreaming.

I accept.

process,
repeated.

eyes open.
mouth open.
hesitate to inhale.

Body shakes,
quivers.
Nightmares,
for sure.

stand,
wake,
live.

believe in today,
make a change.
you will be fine.
you will survive.

6.19,
afraid to sleep.

today is the day.
you will be fine.

eyelids begging,
trick of the nightmares.
"fall asleep,
I will carry you"

Process,
repeated.

today is the day.

eyes open.
mouth open.
no need to gasp.
no need for nightmares.

Fall asleep,
stay asleep.
beg for nightmares.
weep
in the presence of my spirit.

"you are alone,
you will be alone,
I am all you have"
whispers from the depths of my soul.

I am living
the nightmare.

Process,
repeated.

eyes open
mouth open
may as well inhale.

Made again to feel unworthy.
he tells me its no surprise.

Don't have expectations.
life is a murderous thing.

Trying so hard,
to keep my soul to myself.

Trying harder even
to convince you to share your own.

No explanations.
None needed, none deserved.

But heart wrenching guilt,
simply for being myself.

Knowing, daily, that I will Never earn
the love of a man of your caliber.

Flirting again. Your best friend.
outside, hope eludes me.

On the inside I cannot let go
of the ever crushing pain of hope.

Unanswered texts.
Wasted wishes of a wasted man.

I used to sit on your bed,
and play solitaire for hours.

Now I miss you,
when I play.

How fitting.

I am a languid idea,
carved into the sand
where the rock was too resilient.

Perhaps next time
I shall be the stubborn rock
refusing to be tainted.

Or maybe I'll be
the easily manipulated sand.

10¢ on the dollar
but it is not about money.

tomorrow marks the end
of my 5th month without you.

Monsters, hiding in reality.
I see the face of jealousy.

Two dollar ******,
your words, not mine.
but that's fine.

Cowering, hiding, whatever the word.
Men to save the day.

Bacon feeding,
"that was hot"
drinks on a later date.

Little things in life,
showing where I need to be.

Four in the morning.
Marlboro packs.
walk me home, please?

Building memories,
with new friends.
falling in love with life.

monsters.
not always a bad thing.
Not all bad, anyways.

I am in love.
Finally with myself.
Instead of you.

unassuming truths
unanswered questions
unending nightmares

In my bed I dream,
but in the day
the visions scream.

Uncontending idols,
fighting to be bigger than they seem.

Calloused bodies
in unwashed sheets,
unbearable rhythms
with undefined beats.

Explosions in my mind,
or explosions on the streets?

Concurrence is insanity
but insanity is fair.
Look around the room,
I promise you it's there.

Join me in my daydreams,
and I promise you'll be scared.

Sometimes
when my conscious thoughts cease,
and I let my mind wander
into a dream,

My memory swells with the smells
of the soft sea breeze,
and holding your hand as we walked
with a perfect feeling of peace.

Though the love that we shared
came and went with such ease,
I still miss you sometimes
on quiet days like these.

And I wonder where you wander,
when your conscious thoughts cease

Everlasting Love,
confined by time restrictions.
let me linger, please.

When you fall in love again,
I hope she is nothing like me.
I hope she has her life together.
I hope she knows who she is.
I hope she loves herself, so you can love her, truly.

and if I ever fall in love again
I hope he is just like you.
I hope he is you.
I hope you find your way back to me,
once Ive found myself.

For if it isn't you,
I know I will never love again.

I'm writing for the hell of it
for the sake of writing
for the sake of escape
from the begging ideas
taunting my already forsaken mind.

The brain,
or the mind?
One in the same.

One the center of my universe,
cause and effect,
motion, inertia,
creation of my entirety.

The other,
breaking me down,
with each passing thought.
My world on fire.
My spirit, my being, my reason for life.
My aching for death.

Yes,
one in the same.

Working together, to control each other.
forcing me into every god forsaken breath
that I've never wished to take.

Yet, building within me this
immense love.
Forcing me to contort my hideous face
into this god forsaken smile.

No idea what to feel.
Physically, or emotionally.

Hurts to breathe.
Hurts a lot more not to.

Hurts to love.
Hurts a lot more not to.

Simple solutions.
Love with all of my mind.
heart, body, and soul.

Live with all of my brain.
heart pumping, body moving, soul loving.

One in the same.

I remember
Always knowing
that I am different

solidified by the fact that
when the rest of the world
was drooling over boy bands
and muscley men
and I'll never know what else,

I was young,
growing up,
madly in love with
**Bill Murray

If I turn around I can see the sun,
the moon,
the stars.
I can't imagine a dream,
more conclusive in its ending.

They all fall.

I cannot find a solution.
I cannot find an answer to this never ending thought.
I tried today to find a light,
to light this cave I've descended into.

Instead I found more darkness, just.
It shone, as light would,
but reflected nothing.
But this darkness does not intimidate me.
I do not fear it.
I just do not understand it.

When you smile, I find it
to be absolutely fascinating.
but  I do not know how to respond.
It does not provoke my own face to mimic your emotion.

So i look on in the darkness for an emotion
I can fathom to explain. To repeat.
I fail.
I find joy, but it is not the joy you feel.

Mine is not a feeling. not an emotion.
it is an idea, a lucid dream.
my imagination, telling me the difference
between my smile and yours.

I know you.

I wish I knew you better.

I want to watch you, like I used to.
Like I used to so enjoy to do.
But life has taken us separate directions.

No.

Truth, I miss you.

Prost.

I am difficult.
I can no longer breathe your air.
I can no longer dream your dreams.
I am not searching.
I am not finding.
I am only confusing myself.

Ff I wander far too far, then I've found the means to an end.
I wonder about wandering, I wander into wondering.
I know the feeling.

I can stay forever.
if forever isn't real.
I can dream forever,
and I think I will.

I look your way, I see it.
I see your way.
I follow. I lead.
I need a caution sign.

Don't.

I am a trap.

a contradiction.
a letter to yourself.

forgotten.
long gone.

I pretend. Though I cannot for one moment pretend to know how to tell you the truth.

I am walking in circles.
pacing the room.
taking my time,
making my mind up.

I choose.
no.
I can't.

I want.

static cling.

I
fear
pond
monsters.

I want to build memories.
A moment that isn't worth a memory, isn't worth the time it took.
So bring me with you.
take me past the atmosphere, to a world where we belong.
I belong only with you.

allow me the choice.
I will analyze you.
us.
our situation.

it *****.  

I lose,
every time.
This is no game,
but I'll play it like one.

I'll drink to you,
to the way you make me feel.
that smile in your eyes.

that look that says "I can't remember how to look away"

I wonder if ever you see this look in my eyes.
or do you only see fear?

do you ever see how greatly I want to escape.
to run.
to never look back.
never see again.

I can't imagine.

I don't deserve the things I have.
I take what I shouldn't.


You should just turn around, and walk away.
Best advice I can give.

Where do I go from here?
Where are you going??

can I come with you?

I fear I've fallen for you.
and that can't be changed.

Bound by an idea,
twisted into fate.
I'm giving in.

You reached
for my hand,
and instead grabbed my heart.

Those smiling blue eyes
searched through my spirit,
and I'm sure they found what I was trying to hide.

It was just a moment,
a passing
a never before and never again.

and yet here I sit dreaming,
wishing,
and falling.

I can write an epic
with your thoughts
in my hand.

and you'll find in your own
an emotion
unrequited.

but I've given to you
all that one can give,
in a lingering dream.

take me with you.
wherever you're going.

inside of my mind
something lingers, awaiting
nightmares
aflame with inner demons.

The shadows dancing on the walls
are pulling the strings
of the marionette nightmares,
dancing in my imagination

who might be hiding
beyond the silhouette?
Are the monsters in reality
More or less frightening,
than these monsters that
Haunt my waking dreams?

Its amazing
the shade of blue my eyes turn
when I think about you.  

complimented by the
Flawless tears,
streaming down
my puffy red cheeks.

My stomach turns.
I should be sleeping.
but I can't.