Can we call it irony,
that while half the world is begging to set themselves free,
I've never felt the pain of withdrawl,
The pain that I feel is only emotional.
while Ive spent this past month,
breathing only the clean fresh city smog
Im begging for your nicotine,
Confused by why anyone struggles to quit.
It would be so easy for me,
if only it weren't the easiest way
to **** myself,
With slow suffering.
happiness now,
euphoria when my lungs finally give out.

here I am,
breaking every promise
I've made to myself.

I am not defined
by your ideas of
humanity
I am disgusted by them.

I sit
and I type
and I watch the words flow

Onto the screen,
no longer paper
an outdated source

But my screen can't
express my emotions
the words so uniform

straight lines,
and perfect curves to create
the letters and the words

but this is not me
you cannot know me
from what you read

with no personalization
and no hand made
creation.

this
is not
poetry.

this is words,
on a screen,
read monotonously

by a stranger,
too strange,
I'm sure.

It's
a
pity.

Lets start a revolution.

Every person
capable of love.
Yet we struggle
loving ourselves.

Ive lost myself
in the bitter reality
of being human.

How
*******
pathetic.

the
way
your name tastes
like acid on my tongue.

so I carve
the letters
in to my skin
hoping
so
irrationally
to dissolve it all away

until I am nothing
but
bones
concealing
the
heart that I will
never need again.

Im stuck in the memory
of your face.
And The way you didn't mind
when Id just stare.
Because your beauty was mesmerizing.

Your sparkling eloquence;
words so beautiful
my diamond eyes
weep.

If I gave in
to your desires,
I'd find myself.

Isn't it how every girl dreams of being looked out?
the way your eyes soften,
as the word 'beautiful' escapes your lips.
isn't it love, when I know the sound
of your heart beat,
as it races with my own?
the way your hand is never too warm too hold,
but always warms my entire soul when you touch me.

all the proof I need,
of relativity,
is the fact that in this moment,
it feels like minutes are hours.
and hours are days
and seconds are lifetimes,
in the blink of an eye.

The
vast
light
shone,
dreading darkness
she could not defeat.

Someone please
just tell me
that I am not
alone.

You've given a new meaning
to every moment of my life.

The ones that once made me happy are now the piercing blades through my being.

for all that you are, you are nothing but pain.
shards of broken heart, leaving me stranded in the corner,
afraid to step on the broken pieces scattered across the floor.
a room filled
with exquisite dreams, sunken with the treasure of your love.
love. it never was.
it was an elaborate set up,
for your greatest feat.
breaking the unbreakable heart.

How sad am I?
So lonely its frightening.
That the best part of my night
is the yellow bolt of lightning.

Promises are allowed to be broken,
I promise.

I listen for clues. Perhaps you'll change your mind.

You can decide.
I wont attempt to influence.

It may be a lifetime,
but Its not that much.

I'm enamored.

I tried to tell you,
but I failed. My lips part,
lusting for words.
Instead just silent breath escaped.
It screamed for you.
but you couldn't hear.
you never saw.
You should have known.

Still I try, and fail.
A screaming heart,
without the courage to speak.

No idea what to say.
instead I'll just annoy.
ignore.
run.
RUN.
You won't make it.

Nobody ever makes it, anyway.

Its an impossible task.
for me at least.

I'll try again. But you know,
I'm doomed to fail.

And perhaps I never will,
see you again. And perhaps I never will,
speak to you so sweetly.
But darling, I swear,
From the second I saw you,
To the end of Eternity,
I will love you.
unfailing.
unfaltering.
unending.


I miss you.

I am walking.
but nothing is changing.

my feet aren't moving
but the world is.

I've seen this place before
and nothing is changing

but nothing is the same
I have no idea where I am.

My feet keep moving,
but my legs aren't moving them.

my feet aren't moving.
They're not even on the ground.

I'm sitting in a car.
But I have no idea where I am.

I don't know the driver,
but the wheel is in my hands.

The road seems unending.
Everything seems to change.

But the wheel is in my hands,
and I'm not driving.

I've seen this place before.
where the road never ends.

the world is moving,
and nothing is changing.

I'm going for a walk.
I will move my feet.
I will change my world.
My life is in my hands.

I love you
with every
piece of me
you shattered.

7 hours...
to the skies.
sail away,
from todays goodbyes.

I'm a lost cause,
a hopeless
hope,
in a lightless day.

I walk to the river
with the name in my brain
the words,
washing helplessly away.

I speak for the sayers,
who've left themselves unsaid.

I cannot keep to myself,
but I cannot get your
attention.

I'm screaming
at the world.

You're the name
in my palm,
written for my memories sake.

I can't forget you though.
Regardless.
You build, and destroy.
but you make it look so easy.

Like somehow we'll all be
better.

We won't.

You
can
no
longer
make
me
believe.

I won't.

I'm going to take a
leap.
L.E.A.P.
This time its for real.

I've got the heart.
you've got the soul.

We can do anything.

Lets do it all.

I want to give you whatever
I have to give.
For now,
for ever.

Lets go.

Ignorance is bliss,
until it breeds unanswered curiosities.
What then?

I once believed, somewhere behind it all
that I could give myself to something great.
but somehow all I managed was to fall.

and now I must wonder, what shall befall
for you, you were there, and you were my fate,
I once believed, somewhere behind it all.

I swore to myself that I would stand tall,
that I would never shatter under this weight,
but somehow all I managed was to fall.

And now you've helped me build my greatest wall,
I could hide here inside, where I'll be safe,
I once believed, somewhere behind it all.

and to me my gypsy soul may now call,
and the world I may circumnavigate
but somehow all I managed was to fall.

for now I shall wander, down lifes grand hall
there must be happiness, along this strait
I once believed, somewhere behind it all.
But somehow all I managed was to fall

The hardest part now
Is transforming tomorrows
into yesterdays.

Because I loved you
with all of my heart.

I will never understand this.
We agreed, daily, that we were stronger than any other couple we knew.
We knew that we loved each other, more than any average pair.
We knew from the start that we were destined for forever.
You promised me forever, every day.

So when you said it was over, I knew you were angry.
But when is anger enough?
How can any emotion be more important than love?
Love.
Isn't that supposed to be our ultimate goal in life?

After 2 months on my own, I asked you
"Is it really over? Is it because you don't love me anymore?"
I begged you to say to me that you didn't love me anymore.
"I can't do that"
two months without me, and you still loved me.
But you didn't want me back.

3 more months, and you still can't speak to me.
Is it because you still love me?
Maybe you weren't ready for love.
Maybe you panicked.
But you couldn't tell me why.

You still can't tell me why.
But everyone tells me you've moved on.
You promised me, when you left, that you wouldn't.
That what you really needed was time on your own.
But how much time were you really alone?

and I wonder if you love her,
the way that you loved me?
Or if she's just a body to keep you warm.

I can't figure this out.
I can't understand.
But I know that I still love you.
I know that I can't move on.
I know that I promised you forever, and I meant it.

Forever.
Until the day my soul disperses through the atmosphere,
forgetting what love is.

Isn't it just so cliche
to sing to you my tale of woes?
And do I really have to say,
the words that everyone already knows?  

We've all had our heart break,
and all show the empathy.
But we all know its all fake,
and we really have no sympathy.

I may be sitting here and weeping,
and I know that you are just at home.
You're cozy in your bed and sleeping.
Though I don't know how you can, alone.

Listen to me, crying about the past.
Sob with me friends, if you will.
Perhaps true love isn't meant to last.  
But oh, dear friends, let's cry for it still.  

Individuals, yet all connected by this
pain so intense and incredibly real
but does it even really exist,
can anyone tell me, what's the big deal?  

I feel like my world has fallen to shambles
My heart and my soul are shattered and weak
So the right thing to do is sit here and ramble,
and tell you all to feel what I speak.  

And If you've never felt this way,
you're luckier than you could hope.
But I can guarantee you will one day,
and then you can join with me, and mope.

Because life is about love, and glory
and life is about giving it your all.  
We are all living the exact same story.
We all rise, and we all fall.

Desperation in rage.
You are the fire
in my *soul.

Each breath I take
in seething sorrow,
leaves me loathing
the thought of tomorrow.

I'm begging to go home.
but I have no home.

I'm sleeping on couches.
Missing a life that can never be again.

I'm living how I've always wanted.
Thought, I'd always wanted.

Begging for a home that never was.

I've never believed in heaven before.
But I can't let myself believe you're really gone.
I have never before wanted, a life after death.
until you left me alone in this life.

I am selfish.
I want you back.

You were the most beautiful woman I have ever known, and i love you with all of my soul.
so wait for me, in whatever is coming.
Because I believe in you.

In the eternity of my soul
I exist in only a dream
of escape from this reality
into enchantment long lost
in the evolving world surrounding us.
With the excruciating knowledge
that every day will remain the same.  
Until, eventually, I come to find myself
expelled from this body,
finally exploring the truths of my world.

Do you know how it feels to wish
you were beautiful, sincerely beautiful?

To feel so broken,

when the person you love....
thought you loved....
knew you loved,
thought you knew

tells you that you can never compare
to the image in her mind of
the woman she wishes she were looking at.

and you stretch yourself
thinking that maybe you can grow and shrink
and add and subtract

but where are the flaws?
how can they all be counted when you look like this?

Feet: too big.
Thighs: Too fat.
Hips: too wide.
Stomach: don't ask.
Chest: flat.
Neck: too long.

Face.....
not enough makeup in the world.

Looking in the mirror,
regrets.

Looking at her....
begging to be everything she wants you to be.

*But I'd rather be me.

If ever it were,
Tell me it isn't true anymore.

Tell me
why
I
spend
every
pathetic
day
Of my life

talking myself off the ledge.

But only with the idea that somebody
would have to find my body

and I don't want to put that
burden on any innocent soul.

bred of depression, and hatred, and who the hell knows.
my mother is a *****,
and my father is a thief.
god. there must be a better word, what do you call a man
who takes everything you own,
through the act of convincing you to give it to him?
so much worse than a thief.

and me?
I've never known love.

I didn't know that your father wasn't supposed to call you a '*****' or a '*****' daily, just because you remind him of her.

I didn't know that your mother wasn't supposed to disappear for days, with men she didn't know.

after 21 years of begging for love
that I never knew I would never recieve,

I have just finally found what love truly feels like.

because I have finally learned to love myself.

I am only the unfortunate product of their conception.

this does not make me like them.

this does not make me who I am.

I am the woman who walked on the broken glass of a hate filled love, between two ******* up humans.

I am the woman who learned the art of steady feet, and came to the other end without a scratch.

because I know who I am.
and I love who I am.

and I am sure, if they gave me a chance, they could learn to love me.

but I don't need their love.

even if I wasted 21 years figuring that out.

We shall all reach the end
as nothing but **ourselves.

Is it real?
falling for the words on my screen,
begging to reach through to meet
the entity on the other side.

Ive fallen for you,
stranger in the night.

With no hope that youll
find my words, and know they are for you.

Or that You could fall for them,
if you ever do.

I'm terrified to let go
because your words
have returned to me what I thought was forever lost: My smile.

and I wish I could thank you, and tell you how Ive fallen. But anyways Im not using my heart.
you may as well keep it for a while..

My least favourite moments live
when the sun has left the sky
and I come to prepare myself
to face the perils of the night.

Before I am forced to face
the dangers lurking in the nightmare
I carry myself to the mirror
to face whatever I may find there

at first its harsh and I look away
trying to forget that it is me
staring at me from that nightmare
a reflection I wish I couldn't see.

So I come to a solution to change
the impossibilities of my reflection
I remove my contacts, and blindly
I return for another inspection.

In the blur of the mirror I imagine
all the women that I could have been
if only the blur of my vision
is what the rest of the world had seen.

I don't know if my heart is broken,
I haven't seen it since you left.
I think you forgot to leave it with my things.
You probably found it a week later and threw it out with everything else.

******

How can I tell you
that you had, have, had
the most beautiful soul this world has ever seen?

How can I tell you
that every day without you
still feels like a dream?

How can I tell you
that every picture I see
still brings me to tears?

How can I tell you
that you changed every life
that you touched in your 23 years?

How can I tell you
that I'm sorry for every word
that I shouldn't have said from the start?

How can I tell you
that it wasn't your fault
when the entirety of my world fell apart?

How can I tell you
that I miss playing Kirby
at three in the morning while the boys played their game?

How can I tell you
that even though everything had already changed,
without you, nothing will ever be the same?

How can I tell you
that I miss telling you
how absolutely beautiful you are?

How can I tell you
that I miss how completely terrifying it was
riding in your car?

How can I tell you
that I miss
your beautiful baby boy?  

How can I tell you
what words
can I employ?  

How can I tell you
that I loved you,  
even if I forgot to show it?

How can I tell you
that I still love you,
or do you already know it?

You know,
I won't pretend. I do pretend,
but this is not the same.

I swear, dear,
you're the world that stands too close to the sun
and it burns just to wonder
about you

I'll stop thinking,
speaking,
breathing,
if that is necessary.

to remain in my frozen
world so far from yours
and I'll smile when
I feel a warmth on my cheek

but I've forgotten why,
and how
and from where the warmth
is coming.

and you can sigh
as the breeze blows through,
and chills your spine
with the memories of
what may have been

could have been,
might have been,

if our vastly differing
temperatures,
had not caused this
destructive tornado.

the tornado that
tore down the ladders
that I'd built to let you over my walls
and now,

who will bother to climb?

I am writing,
to stop my fingers.

I'm longing to give my words to that man,
the man that kept my heart
when he walked away.

I want to tell him that I still love him
and tell him that I still need him.
But I want to tell him that he matters so much more to me, than anyone else ever has.

including myself.

I want to tell him that my life without him is misery.
but I would rather have my own life miserable, and know that he is happy in his own,
than to share my misery as I did before.

I can't tell him any of these things.
he asks for space I can't provide.
I have to feel proud of myself that its been a week.

a week since my last unanswered message.
my last attempt at begging for what I know I don't deserve.

the over thinking. constant.

he doesn't love me.
if he ever loved me.
he never will again.

and this hope im holding onto
is suffocating me.

"No way!
Okay, Okay, Okay."

She's shouting at her mother,
"I hate you! Go Away!"

"The rain has stopped, the rain has stopped!
Now we can go out and play!"

She's only three, that beautiful girl,
but what next might she say?

With no idea what it is
that causes her emotions to sway.

I understand how it feels to never know
what feelings to portray.

I beg to prove that I am happy
but let a single tear stray.

She begs to prove that she's not tired
but the yawns are there to betray.

"Lets go, Lets go! the rain is gone!
and we're running out of day!"

I love this kid, but that can't be enough.
I wish that I could stay.