The problems of the mind are the loneliest by far.
They eat at you and eat at you until you are just a shell of meat and bone.
You walk and you talk as if nothing were wrong, but you see, the problems of the mind are the most burdensome of all.
How can you blame someone for the actions that they did in your mind.
For the **** they committed. For the scars they created.
They look at you the same, yet all you can see is the monster that took you and you fear that they will take you again.
Yet, they never really took you at all.
You see the problems of the mind are the most confusing by far.
The growling meant that he was a killer and for it he was neutered and locked in chains.
But to you he is still the man that you see and love everyday.
So the growling became a comfort.
A battle cry to show the world, because he loved you and trusted you with his world, he would always be by your side.
The world may take them as growls of your own, for your own crimes, and that's fine.
Because when you howl the half the world howls and you know that you have even more pained souls on your side.
You see the problems of the mind are the most trial-some by far.
She is your angel and she saved your life that night.
You tell her but she will never quite know that you truly believe it.
She covered you in her wings and covered you tight.
She took the blunt force of the car so you would not die.
Now you owe your life to her and she cannot make sense of it.
She will never know that to you she was actually there.
You see the problems of the mind are the most painful by far.
But now the *****, the dog and the angel all stay in your life.
Never knowing their true roles in your mind.
Never knowing what they said or did that changed your life.
Following the same pace as the previous night.
Yet you sit alone and in the silence cry, because you still feel the ****, feel the wings and hear the growls at night.
But no one will ever know.
That is why the problems of the mind are the loneliest by far.
I am from the wall,
from the generation of iPhones and makeup.
I am from the tight spaces.
I am from the mountains,
the cold clear skies.
I am from the long hikes
and green eyes, from the Herriot’s
and the Denno’s.
I am from the morning pancakes
and the late night board games.
From follow your dreams
and there are no monsters under the bed.
I am from the heavens.
I’m from New Hampshire and Vermont,
PB&J's and Mac and cheese.
From the parents’ divorce,
the Christmas mornings filled with eggnog,
and the birthday’s of grandma and grandpa.
I am from
there's something out there
in the air that isn't ours
we can drive ourselves mad
reason about it for hours
you cannot see the evil
more transparent than glass
and you wonder about questions
questions that were never asked
but it wasn't meant to be
that's how the story goes
you can dream about it
but nobody really knows
dust will consume the fire
water will cut the stone
dark shall swallow the light
and rust will eat the bones
it's just something in the air
withering everything in its path
you can see it everywhere
no-one is ever meant to last
a skeleton shall dance naked
wearing his skin bare
rejoicing a mother's burial
with children those don't care
all there is and will be
shall be left behind in a while
there is something in the air
that is rotten and vile
there's something in the air
it is out there as I speak
and nothing can save you
if you do not stop to breathe
Say something witty
Don't lose your mind
Whatever you do
Always say that you're fine
Because people can't know
How you feel when the snow
Piles up too high
Where you can't see the sky
Don't say that word
That was all you heard
As people complained
About the sound of the bird
But now that bird is gone
Just as quick as dawn
And in the meadow full of snow
Lay a sleeping fawn
And everybody knows
How that story goes
When the innocent is left
To the hands of its foes
Without their protector
They are open
To all forms of attacks
That they will rope in
And I hate to see
Just how nature can be
Especially when I'm not speaking of
the nature of animals around me
It's strange, now that we have this technology
We know it's poisonous, but we're hooked
My words don't come out from my mouth, my fingertips write
Why speak or compose a letter when we can text together? Right?
It's like the words I say flow too naturally, and I'm not as afraid
They're the same thoughts- day and night- haunting my brain
But when I shoot 'em in a text it's like it's not real, it's not the same
A sad emoji replaced your empathy, and you move on with your day
Like our words are no longer valid
*Like nothing ever even happened
I am pulling the devil by the tail
But I am determined I shall prevail.
I know it will be very hard indeed
Though if I persevere I will succeed.
Who am I to break the spell that captures my attention?
Who am I to hold on to the love I know won't last?
Who am I to raise this child that lives inside me now?
Who am I to just let go and face all that I lack?
Who am I?
Can you tell me?
Who am I?
I need to know.
Who am I to tell my mother that he's with someone else?
Every Tuesday, he's with her, his ring up on the shelf.
Who am I to let my brother know that's not his child?
Who am I to face my fears and love you long and hard?
Before I end...
What right do I have to uncover all the secrets I contain?
It pains me to keep it in.
Tell me, who am I?
Do you know?
Does it matter?
Who I am?
Let me know, so I can live my life.
But then again...
Who are you to tell me?
Who are you to care?
I know I'm not worthy...
To know who I am.
So who are we to hold each other up when we should fall?
Deep into the dark, dark shadows that condemn my mind.
Spread the wings that don't help me to fly,
But help me to my knees.
To beg someone higher to please tell me...
Who am I?
Ask, "Do you know?"
Who am I?
Who will I become?
Will I rise?
Will I run?
From the answers I long for...
Will I ever have the right to know?
Who am I?
On January 26th of 2015, I wrote this because I was confused. I didn't feel worthy of anyone's presence, nor did I feel worthy to be living in the skin I live in. I felt so weak...
When I die don’t sob and cry.
When I die don’t wear black
and flip that beautiful smile of
yours upside down. Remember
the times you were kissing me.
While they force my body down
to gentle earth’s soil. The graves
won’t handle my soul for long I’m
sure. I’ll crawl my way out of my
wooden box. Rewind the arrows
on your clocks. Sit beside you and
watch. Guard you and make sure
your safe and sound. I won’t leave
you alone. And if you visit my grave
stone don’t bring flowers because I
don’t want to feel officially dead. I’ll be
waiting for you on the other side baby
ready to hold your hands again. I’ll wipe
your tears before they fall down when
you cry. I’ll hear your “I love you’s” inbetween
your every sigh. These are the promises
my heart made the minute you claimed I
am yours. These are the promises I will
keep when the doctors call me cold blue.
When the heartbeats of mine go off the crash
carts scan. These promises are for you
because sweetheart i love you and i
swear my words are loyal and true ~