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Daiyzah Jan 2018
I think the problem with me is that I expect so much from so little.
I try to force things that I want to last knowing that it's not going to work.
I try to mend things that don't need to be mended.
I think with my mind rather than my heart.
I'm aware of when I'm doing something wrong but in the heat of the moment persuaded that it's okay.
I try to fix things that I purposely tried to break.
I try to trigger emotions out of people when my mind feels insecure.
Then try to play victim by using quotes that right my wrongs.
I know what I'm doing.
It has became a habit over time.
Now I don't know how to stop but I want to.
My confused feelings are consuming my mind.
I do temporary stuff that ruins something that could've lasted for a lifetime.
& now it's too late. I always think.
"Hurt them before they hurt you."
But majority of the time, they're not wanting to hurt me.
This poem is a poem I wrote May 31,2017 and I am just now posting it. I lost the motivation to continue to write but hopefully this brings my passion back.
  Dec 2015 Daiyzah
Christian Danner
The problems of the mind are the loneliest by far.
They eat at you and eat at you until you are just a shell of meat and bone.
You walk and you talk as if nothing were wrong, but you see, the problems of the mind are the most burdensome of all.

How can you blame someone for the actions that they did in your mind.
For the **** they committed. For the scars they created.
They look at you the same, yet all you can see is the monster that took you and you fear that they will take you again.
Yet, they never really took you at all.
You see the problems of the mind are the most confusing by far.

The growling meant that he was a killer and for it he was neutered and locked in chains.
But to you he is still the man that you see and love everyday.
So the growling became a comfort.
A battle cry to show the world, because he loved you and trusted you with his world, he would always be by your side.
The world may take them as growls of your own, for your own crimes, and that's fine.
Because when you howl the half the world howls and you know that you have even more pained souls on your side.
You see the problems of the mind are the most trial-some by far.

She is your angel and she saved your life that night.
You tell her but she will never quite know that you truly believe it.
She covered you in her wings and covered you tight.
She took the blunt force of the car so you would not die.
Now you owe your life to her and she cannot make sense of it.
She will never know that to you she was actually there.
You see the problems of the mind are the most painful by far.

But now the *****, the dog and the angel all stay in your life.
Never knowing their true roles in your mind.
Never knowing what they said or did that changed your life.
Following the same pace  as the previous night.
Yet you sit alone and in the silence cry, because you still feel the ****, feel the wings and hear the growls at night.
But no one will ever know.
That is why the problems of the mind are the loneliest by far.
  Dec 2015 Daiyzah
there's something out there
in the air that isn't ours
we can drive ourselves mad
reason about it for hours

you cannot see the evil
more transparent than glass
and you wonder about questions
questions that were never asked

but it wasn't meant to be
that's how the story goes
you can dream about it
but nobody really knows

dust will consume the fire
water will cut the stone
dark shall swallow the light
and rust will eat the bones

it's just something in the air
withering everything in its path
you can see it everywhere
no-one is ever meant to last

a skeleton shall dance naked
wearing his skin bare
rejoicing a mother's burial
with children those don't care

all there is and will be
shall be left behind in a while
there is something in the air
that is rotten and vile

there's something in the air
it is out there as I speak
and nothing can save you
if you do not stop to breathe

**stop breathing
Daiyzah Nov 2015
It's not the fact that I don't wanna be loved.
It's the simple fact that I'm scared to love.
"I don't wanna get attached to anybody"
Constantly reminding myself daily of what you said
Every time I feel the need to fall for you deeper, it tunnels my vision.  years, months, hours spent crying trying to forgive the one I still talk to till this day
Trust issues that I still hhave today.
Hours , Minutes , seconds, it took for me to like you
when it took you weeks to recognize me,
The sentences you say and the way you look at me , reminds me of why I only want you.
Too early to catch feelings but I know one day they'll leave
Not because of you messing up, just because my heart blocks anything that wants to care for me.

Several years spent and wasted because of the pain from several broken hearts
Leaving me heartless & cold, mostly giving up hope
Looking me in my eyes made me feel weak and worthless.
But don't stop. I don't want you to
It makes me feel so good & as if youre really happy to be around me.
Suffering from the shift of my mindset,
I feel as if you'll leave and never look back.

Reason why I don't want to **** yet.
It'll make me fall for you & get attached.
Scared I'll become too sensitive for you to handle, and you'll leave.
Why do I feel that you're only doing this Because I won't leave .
Get what You want then you'll leave.
Make me fall in love then you'll leave.
Care for me but then leave.
Like you're only doing this because I want you too, like you did for your ex.

I want you to keep it real with me
Regardless of the curiousity that weakens your mind wondering if it's going to make me upset.
Maybe I've been craving this attention for so long that I rush the process .
Get one . Then leave. & wonder who's next?
But be upset when you find someone better & move on
Just don't wanna get heartbroken playing in this game of "love"

Not even love. Just the subject of feelings
Just don't want to lose you because of me overthinking.
Reason why I'm scared to talk to you about what's on my mind .
I think I'm feeling you more than you're feeling me.
I don't wanna rush you into anything you're not ready for
It's just I'd rather you stop it now , instead of putting me through the stuff I've been through before.

But then again I got to the point where I don't wanna see you with anyone else .
When you wrap your arms around me, it's make me feel as if I have worth.
Then when you kiss me, it makes me want to be with you even more.
Then how you talk to me & play around with me makes it so much better.

You're just so perfect .
Your smile. Face. Hair. Body. Personality.
When you ask me if I can make my knees touch my elbows lol
Or when you tell me how beautiful my smile is.
You make me so happy.
I just wanna enjoy it while I can,
Before everything comes to an end .
Daiyzah Apr 2015
It wasnt just you , but youre the main one that flashed the signs.
Signs of hurt , ache , tears , feelings that were never felt before.
As if I was drowning myself every moment spent with you, but blinded by hope .
Hope that we'd grow up and move onto better things.
Atleast thats what I summarized as my feelings
Then it was him, who claimed me as being mentally challanged.
When all to reality im now mentally destroyed
Him who told me he cant except me for who I am, but who he wants me to be.
Adrenaline rising once I heard all the news.
But of course I didnt want to talk it out with you.
Stressed about it sent me to the hospital bed
Just the fact that my blood rises because of you, admits the feelings I had.
Sight, vision, touch.
Your fingertips.
When they would persuade my skin to believe your lies.
Your lips would corress my neck making me fall deeper .
Whispers of "I love you" that would pump life into my heart are now gone.
Disappeared into someone elses ear .
The ear and lips that spreaded us part  
The ones that tried to take part of me without you knowing
They persuaded you to do what you did.
The scars tucked underneath from that night you started to switch
My lips that freeze whenever it comes to speaking to you.
Sensing the fact that youve changed and dont care for my being.
So ill stay away..
This poem is very old but my last words ..
Daiyzah Jan 2015
Longing for someone to touch my soul.
Bring the light into the darkness.
Fix the heart thats now parted.
Tears that fall endlessly because of feeling unwanted.
The emptiness that fills my stomach like im just now meeting you. Wanting to speak up , but i feel you dont want me to.
Daily I speak to my mind saying youre going to come back .
But how its looking now , i feel theres no turning back.
Why just why did you have to hurt me ? Through all the situations and problems , i was the eye to your soul.
When people did you wrong , i build up with anger.
When all along , your killing my mind.
Mentally confused , mind so abused. Words that fill my head , & thoughts i have of you.
Memories that haunt me , that i want to leave.
Soul desire for your longing touch. Was in for so long , just wonder if it was love.
Feining for your presence , im blinded by lust.
Problems built up to today thats causing me not to trust.
That deep, drowned ,feeling of my heart sinking whenever i hear your name.
I push myself so far , mentally and physically everyday.
The echoes of your mind repeats through my heart.
The words you said to me , when we were first droven apart.
I cry and i cry but i laugh after a while.
Trying to hide over my heart , that i dont plan to use for a while.

— The End —