he died today.

he left a long message for his wife and his son.
i wonder what was racing through his mind as he typed those words.
was his hands shaking.
was his heart beating so loud that he couldn’t hear his own thoughts.
i wonder if he ever considered stopping.
did he hesitate.
did he think that maybe this isn’t the right answer.
did a voice above tell him to put it down.
i wonder if he was scared.
was he afraid to die or did he find peace.
did he question where he would end up or was he certain he’d see the pearly gates.

i wonder why he did it.
why it was so bad that he had to leave his wife who loved him and son who adored him.
tell me why.

why is there a young widow in her 20s and why is there a 3 year old boy who won’t ever see his dad again.
tell me why.

i hear these stories often and it makes me sad for awhile and then i forget about it.
but i can’t stop thinking about it.

i weep for a man I didn’t even know and a mother and child who have lost someone dear to them.
i weep for the people that make the decision to end their lives.
all the pain bottles up into this big ball and consumes them.
there is no other answer, solution, or choice to be made because this is the only decision that makes the pain go away for good.
tell me why.

he killed himself today.
yet the world continues on.
tell me why.

I haven’t always been an addict
I remember a time when I judged those who clung to bad habits like their life depended on it
I used to think why can’t they just stop?
I used to wonder why people would risk their lives just to feed that desire
If my 14 year old self knew me now she’d be ashamed
I wish I could go back and tell her that those friends are going to get you addicted
They’ll introduce you to things that you’ve always wanted to try
And eventually they’ll become things you can’t turn down
She probably wouldn’t believe me, she’s always been naive and stubborn  
I wish I could tell her that drinking only makes you forget for a little while
And that blurriness you feel only lets you escape for one night
And when you wake up the next morning the only thing you’ll look forward to is getting drunk again
you’re wrong she would say
I wish I could tell her that blunt won’t fix the loneliness in your heart
And that good feeling you feel right now is only temporary
And you’ll find yourself craving that again when your high is gone
You’ll blow your money that mom gave you on grams instead of what you told her it was for
you’re wrong she would say
I wish I slap that cigarette out of her mouth and tell her how addictive and deadly it is
And how mom would be so disappointed in her if she knew
And how stupid she was for allowing herself to succumb to all these things
It’s not that bad she would say
I wish I could tell her about the time she drank so much that she passed out in a strangers home and didn’t know where she was the next day
I wish I could tell her that she almost ran into a ditch and died because she was high while driving
I wish I could tell her how she couldn’t go a day without smoking at least 3 cigarettes and mom found out about it
you were right she would say when it was too late
Hooked on *****, drugs, and cigarettes
Crying alone in her room at 1 am, knowing that she couldn’t keep doing this
But not knowing how to stop
I wish I could tell her not to judge those people stuck on bad habits
Because one day that will be you too
And you still haven’t fully recovered
I can’t just stop she would say
And she still says to this day.