Loving him causes her nothing but pain
Yet she loves him anyway

Because
She loves pain
And
Pain loves her back

This is a note
To you.
I'm sure you'll know who you are if you read this*

You've become a weakness for me
Someone I can't stop thinking about
You're on my mind constantly
And I know this is crossing that line
That was drawn last night
But there's a chance you'll never read this
And I'm not telling you in person
So, really, this is alright to do

You're one of the greatest people I've ever met
And for some reason I can't get you out of my head
I can't focus on anything
Sometimes it's internally embarrassing
Also, I can't comprehend why
Someone like you, so wonderful and unique
Would ever even think of someone like me
Someone so drab and boring

I'm supposed to be doing math right now
But these thoughts kept nagging at me
And since I'm not supposed to tell you personally
This is all I can do
And at this moment i feel ten times better
Than what I used to
And you'll probably never see this..
But at least I got this off my chest.

and I know it's silly
and I've told myself over and over that I shouldn't
wouldn't
silly me
now look at me
getting all clingy
close to tears even
it's not even that much of a bigge
it's not like you where moving to mars
or going on an expedition to venus
wait who cares about the planets?
oh wait
they're interesting
and beautiful
and an unexplored unknown like you are
and i care...

wait what was I saying?
oh yeah back to me
you told me to sleep
I said I wasn't tired
you said you'd go
and
and
and I was literally struggling
to stop the flickering eyelids
to the croak-choke-like crack
in my voice
to the noise pounding (yes I had a headache)
echoing
in my
head.

wait i don't want to cry, why do i feel like crying, gosh i hate crying, why do i sound so...broken?
I'm not broken
but you sound broken
I know
but you're not
I know that too

"please don't leave me"
I wanted to scream
like a little baby
over and over
quite pathetic really
wow look at me typing
haha would you call this writing?

i don't know why i acted like that...
i just
really didn't want you to stop talking
your voice sounded carefree and warm
like a blanket of fuzzy melting hotcholote on a cold winters night even tho it's summer
not chocolate-ey taste wise
but the drizzly
shower
tingly
feeling you get when you really like something
it felt like
like you where right next to me
i closed my eyes
and i pictured your smile
as the words came one after the other
i was drifting slowly
hypnotized
the rhythm of your voice
i wanted never to end
i felt safe

i don't want to feel like that again
don't want
not
again
stop
feeling
i tell myself
but i don't
and i hate it

the curves as you made funny faces
yes i see them so clearly now
you scream and ask if your sisters finished
i whisper "can yew heawr me"
then giggle to myself
you're such a sweetie

i could almost picture you when you laughed too
it was better than a picture actually
because i could actually feel the warmth
the happiness
in your voice
but am i that cold?

....and the distance drifted like it was never there to begin
and you repeated
"look youre tired"
and some other words

---you're still speaking----
but I'm not listening to them really am i?
i knew what that'd mean...

-more words, me replying-

SCREAM LOUDER
shush
speak
don't
my brain still busy arguing
oh what joy

It'd mean you'd go and....
i didn't....
don't* want you to....(1)
and my body ****** sideways
alert
on the edge
wanting to grab onto your sleeve
dress
anything

"I'm awake I'm not tired"
Okay so i was
tired
but not that
tired
that i wanted to stop talking to you
tired
because you made me feel less of
tired-tired-don'twanttowakeup-sleepy
and more of
tired-warm-feelings-of-awake-sleepy-happy....tired

and a stab in my chest reminded me you weren't actually sitting next to me
but the words tumbled out almost like i wasn't even me
i knew i meant them more than you'd ever possibly fathom
"please don't go".
(1) go...
you speak
say
tell


wait
i tell myself it's not like last time
you're not like last time
it's not the last time
not
last
time

my hands grip the air
wanting something solid to grip onto
i feel like I'm slipping
there's nothing to hold on to
you're not there
"please don't" i whisper to myself...
i feel like I'm about to spill
onto the covers of my bed
like a drink patch
I'm not a spilt drink patch
you can't wash me away

* why'd i have to say that?*
its not that big of a deal i scream at myself

You: It's not that big a deal

wait didn't i just say that?
okay this is creepy.

and suddenly i don't hate myself
for feeling everything
the words
the pain
the warmth
everything
so
intensely
you make it
so much better
okay
.....



but you say you'll stay
you stayed
you stay <3

and it scares me...

i know I'm sleepy
but my smiles aren't forced
my words aren't fake
they're real
you can't see them
you can't touch them
but they are what they are

and my smile you created
on my sleepy dazed face
lingered
even after your voice
ended.