i believe in promises,
it's the wind i would grasp
tightly in my hand,
the depth of an ocean
i would drown to,

i believe in promises,
it's a dream i would wallow
in visions of my sleep,
a morning at my window
i would wake up to,

tomorrow
may not be certain,
still, i believe in it
even if it's made
to be broken

build your defenses
as infrangible as

great wall of china
along the himalayan
mountain range

𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘪 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦
𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘭𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘴

An unseen force has plagued the Earth at last,
     And shuttered man, and cleared his busy streets,
     Unlike those unseen forces of the past,
     For homes have now surpassed all man's retreats.
In New York City's heart, Third Avenue,
     Congested with Taxis, buses and such,
     The silence and the breeze are all so new,
     To few masked 'Yorkers, distanced not to touch.
Yet love abounds throughout our pestilence,
     Yes, there are still some swelled, afluttered hearts.
     Their masquerade is made with diligence,
     And tantric love is made six feet apart.
Those lovers not yet quarantined in homes,
Stare longingly like new masked garden gnomes.

(C)2020, Christos Rigakos

I'm just throwing pennies in a well.
Wishing to stay relevant.

Like one does when
keeping up with the Jones's.

Here to fight a losing battle
with the day before me.

Because the night marked me present.
And I'm still here.

Despite all opposition.

he keeps asking
why
I don't write
about him

my dear,
my sweet darling,
it is because
you
do not cause heartache
and pain
like the others did

I do not know
how
to write
when I am in love

I LIKE TO SAY YOUR NAME

I like to say
your name

when you're
not here

turn you
into sound

conjure you out of
thin air

so that you appear
before me

dressed in sound
only

memory sketching in
the rest of you

as if sound
was just an outline

and love
colours you in

adding the voice last
so I can hear you say.

"Hello you..!"
and there you are

as present
as present

can be.

I like to say
your name

when you're
not there.

I used to think that I only write when I’m sad or heartbroken.
It makes me think that I only love sadness.
Every time I’m happy, I didn’t have anything to say, but when I’m sad - I’ve got million of words flowing through my mind.
I’ve learnt to just accept it; to write only when I’m sad.
I’ve learnt it’s my coping mechanism.

I love him. I care about him more than anything in this world.
At some point, I thought that he was my forever. Except two years later, I didn’t feel happy.
No, scratch that, I’ve been unhappy for awhile.
I have only been prolonging the break up.
He was perfect; a perfect gentleman. Although he has his cons, he was a great man.
I was his first love. The man have never dated anyone before. I used to think I was lucky.
He always makes sure that I’m happy, and never sad. He tries to cheer me up with his dumb jokes.
He always stayed positive even if we were 700km away, separated by the sea.
He had faith in me. He had faith in us. That made me stayed. That made me love him.

But he was also naive. He didn’t know how to really make me happy. I’m not trying to sound ungrateful; because I am grateful for his presence. He learns things on social media on how to make a girl happy. He tried hard to make me happy when we’re far away from each other. He bought me gifts, he always helped me.

But all I wanted was to be understood.

I tried explaining to him a lot of times. But sometimes, people do have a hard time understanding mental illness and I don’t blame him for that. I stopped making him understand about me. I still stood by his side; pushing him to be the best version of himself. I had no one but him in my lowest moments, and so I stayed for him. I fought hard for our relationship.

Until I couldn’t fight anymore.

I felt caring for him was tiring. I felt keeping it all inside was tiring. I felt like making him understand is tiring because he just never understands. He tried to help; or so he thought; but it was never a help. There were words that I’ve listened to a lot of times.

I didn’t want to be a burden to him anymore. I tried to hold on by reading our texts, trying to remember everything that we’ve been together. I tried to think of what our friends would’ve handled it. I thought about him. I thought of us.

But I never thought of me.
I realized I was holding on to the relationship because it was for him and other people.
I’m telling him soon that I’m leaving him.
I have always cared for him. He will always have a special place in my heart.

But I matter most.

Sing me a song without any music
Cook me a feast without any taste
Touch me without any feeling
Look at me without any chaste.

Draw me with smoke
See me with touch
Whisper me words
Caress me in your clutch.

Ignore me at your peril
Acknowledge me at mine
Sculpt me in your body
As you and I entwine.

I hope you suffer,
wounds deeper than
emotional scars beneath the dermal layer.

You're truely not worth the air,
you consume.
A zealot. Heretic turned holy.
An abomination hiding behind closet alcoholism.

I'd hate to be your  liver.