Moving along the waves
Basking under the moonlight
I still remember your piercing gaze
Which once set my skin alight
Was I in love with you
Or the ”me” with you?

And the stars make love to the universe.
Under my breath, I breathed a curse.
Furiously, I rubbed the rainbow off my wrist
maybe if I ignore, all of this will be just a bad dream.

Still I know, my heart beats,
my heart beats for you.
Yet you, sitting with a book in your hand,
eyes focused on the myriad of letters and sentences, the stars in that little universe, the stars in your book,
while the whole outside universe is forgotten.
You are in your own universe
and I stood on the outside of the universe, silently watching,
silent cursing because I didn't want my heart to beat for you.

I cursed because
the stars make love to the universe,
yet I'm not part of your universe.
I curse because
you are so out of my reach.
You are my star,
yet I am down on earth. I look up at the stars
I look back at my star,
and I turned away.

I let my head fall on my desk,
hiding my face, while I contort it, while I use those imaginary scalpels and tweezers to fix my flaws, while I use my invisible vacuum to **** out all these feelings and lock it deep, deep within me.
I raise my head once again,
waking up from the anesthesia,
and I turn away.
I watch the stars make love to the universe in my head.
You sit beside me, silently reading while I sit beside you,
silently cursing.

Can you imagine what would happen if we could have everything?
I'm still watching the stars and the moon, waiting for you to breathe.
The days feel like decades, I'm stuck in the moments when you were next to me.
Even if I wasn't the one you were smiling for,
Even if I wasn't the one you were looking for,
I wished at the very least, you were happy.

"Only in the darkness can you see the stars"
But what if this star hung up in the cold black sky
This star the only guiding light in the shrouding suffocating darkness
Wasn't meant for me?
To touch it
Meant hot white flames searing through my skin
Losing an arm
To look at it
Meant steel blades cutting my eyes
Blinding me
This star
The *only star I see in the darkness
Why can't it be meant for me?
Why save me from the darkness
Only to push me down this endless pit again?

Sheets of white piling up on my desk
Red alerts with red flags flooding my mail
The little ping, ping, ping of incoming messages from various correspondents
Demanding my attention

"You should learn to say no; stop doing everything by yourself."

Once, my insides would clench and I'd feel like I'd been
Kicked in the shin whenever I see something that reminds me of you
But now, search as I might, I can no longer see your face
Even down memory lane, you've vanished as suddenly as you did in reality

Other events flow like running water, with the clarity of a clear lake
Yet when I try to recall the words you said
It was as if a mischievous kid decided to mess with the tap
On; off. On... off. On... off. On; off.
A buffering in my mind like chopped up notes of a song when a video wouldn't load properly
1991. 9893. 0306. 162. 0341. Numbers are all I remember.
How did
Your smile look like?
How did your voice
Sound like?

I stare at the excel sheet I've been populating
I stare at the values I've been entering
One after another, work requests come
One after another, the traces of you go

cotton candy in pink, blue, white
fluffy and fearless before sparkling eyes
I disappear into them
you'll never see me again

clouds of smoke in black, grey, white
I find myself breathing (or so I thought)
the ghost of me lays peacefully in white  
my limbs trapped in toffee (and there I rot)

cotton candy hardens into sticky toffee
when water touches it
when my lips touch it
soft to touch but never mine to hold

sweet candy in carnival colours
neon lights and bubble pop
I didn't believe the shadows in your eyes
or the sweet wrappers you trample on

a poisoned apple you offered me
"It's poisoned," you warned me
so who is to blame for this tragedy?
well, it's always been me, me, me.

Dust, sand, pepper, I'm not too sure
Which went into my eyes but I'm tearing furiously
Through my blurred vision, I saw another
In the dark corner, with her knees to her chest
Hands covering her face
In the dark she wept
Was it you I saw or is this my reflection?

The sound of cars driving by in the distance,
The sound of trains carrying passengers,
The sound of the night breeze dancing through leaves, making them rustle.

There are no stars in sight as I stare at my blank ceiling, a single bulb in the middle, fused.
I keep my eyes open and the darkness starts to swirl, fading at the edges and congregating at random spots.
The dryness in my throat somehow spreads to my eyes.
The stinging reminds me of soot and fire.

(Remember how you burned my lungs in a forest fire?)

My eyes start to water as I fight to keep staring at the darkness.
I refuse to fall asleep.
I refuse to return to the dreams abundant with your luring smiles, plagued with your careless whispers.

I refuse to wake up from those dreams with you.
I refuse to wake up to another cold morning without you.

Neon lights paint the streets.
Iridescent. Luminous. A myriad of
Colours floods my mind. They are
Overwhelming, suffocating. I don't want it.
Listless, restless, I'm still searching for the
Echoes; the monochrome echoes of your shapeless voice.

All I am left with are
Pictures of your warm smile
A whisper of your soothing voice
An echo of your fiery feelings
A waft of your quirky humor
Memories of you and me

Awkward calls ending with burning cheeks
Time lags between morning greetings
Nights without sleep just to bring us a little closer
Unsaid understandings and silences
Hidden anticipation for the unseen future
The future of you with me

Walls, stone walls climbing as high as skyscrapers
Grey, grey upon grey, shadows and stone
A shaky breath left my lips as I looked forward.
My eyes met an endless corridor, stretching further and further
Further and further

An aching burn in my heart prompted me to keep walking
Everything was grey, it chills me to the core
An echo, a whisper of your voice
Your soothing words a gentle caress against my cheeks

"I got you. I'll be your rock."

Nails digging into my palms, I placed one foot over another, one foot over another
I told myself, we are going to make it out together.

With only my intuition as my guide, I travelled through the endless labyrinth
One day, we will find each other and make it out together.

so much and so much more that I could never have said
shut in my throat, lost words that dissolve when I try to grasp at them.
so much and so much more that we could have been
gone are the days when everything mattered equally.

from here on there is
so much distance between us.
no matter how much I run, no matter how much I push,
my knees would buckle under me, my arms would fall limp by my side,
as I see you moving forward, further and further.
shaking, I reach out.
your name, a syllable that rests on the edge of my lips
lost in the howling wind.

so much and so much more we could have become
slowly but surely, your silhouette fades out in my vision.

Boom.

That's the sound I hear when I squeeze my eyes shut
And clamp my hands over my ears.

Boom.

It sounds like fireworks.
The kind that surge into the air, disappear for a short moment,
Before exploding into a million pixels of luminance
With a loud and vibrant

Boom.*

Gingerly, I remove my hands from my head
Listening to the pitter-patter against my window
Watching the white flash of—

I squeeze my eyes shut, head lowering, hands tight against my ears, knees close to my chest, eyes shut, hands tight against my ears, breathing paused, heart pounding.

A low *grumble.

I open my eyes, hands still against my ears.
The sky is very black.
Some fears
Leave a scar too deep
To be overcome
No matter how many lies you tell yourself.