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the poetry of youth is almost masturbatory
the stroking of an ego
pulsing thick down your throats
i do not know
what you see in my crude writings
they are nothing
to the wisdom of age
there is no skill here
merely habit
A father
Two fathers
I have two
Well, I have one

He cares for me. He is there.
Occasionally, he annoys the
ever
living
daylights
out of me
and he admits that
he cannot understand me
and that that frightens him more than anything.

I want to tell him that my ever present sadness
and the fear which, at times, threatens to vibrate my bones to jelly
till it drips out and down my fingertips
sticky and hot and red red red
I want to tell him that it is not all his fault

But my other father.

I never knew him
but mom says I have his wit
and his artistic flare
she only said that once
and we both cried

tried to email him
round about a year ago
no response

It is your fault, in part
not yours alone
but I cannot help but to resent you
you coward
nothing but a coward
left me when I was not even out and in the light
never once did my blue eyes see you
Did you know?
They look like yours.

A father
Two fathers
I have two
Well, I have one
The way he dances for me
reminds me of sweet kisses passed
and flames licking at the corners
of impassioned nothings
that light me up

The floors are so far flung
and I am missing my partner
all I can do is watch him dance behind my eyelids
sitting on the side of my own dance floor
It was just one of those days
when the haze of summer had just started to lull the suburbs
into a sticky heat
of grills and lawn mowers
of air conditioning
(everyone pretended not to use it; windows! barked the mothers, windows!)

and the sweat stuck to the brows
of the life guards
napping in the sun
above an empty pool
the Dawson pool.

No one ever swam there
and the lifeguards knew it
those teenagers, sunning themselves lazily on hot days like this
(and the mothers! They complained about the tans. Cancer! the said.
In a way they were right,
but really.)

The waters were clear but the fences were rusted
the diving boards were falling
throwing themselves off the deep end

Katydids
lawnmowers
those lazy days
and the mothers! the constant nagging of soccer moms
lulled around the pool
on the day
Cassandra
took her
last
swim

Her face was like shoe leather
tanned by no fewer than 98 summers spent on porch swings
plodded slowly,
like  her feet were considering
every
last
step
this woman presented her 5 dollars to the girl at the gate
(some surprised lifeguard, because, you see, no one ever swam in Dawson pool)
and pushed inside.

Cassandra never left her porch.
and the mothers! how they scolded their children for teasing her
(even though they had done the same thing at that age.
That's how old Cassandra was).
Decades of the suburbs
and push mowers
and world wars
stayed like photograph around her face.

The lifeguards stared.
Cassandra kicked off her flip flops and shrugged off her mumu.
In a pink bathing suit she sank into the water.

The age melted off of her as she danced through the water
graceful
strong
the strokes were slow and deliberate
and the lifeguards watched as she pulled herself from one end of the pool to another and back.
She made 16 rings
remembering her childhood
23 more
for her marriage
and then 60
60 rings!
before she stopped.
60 years old, the year her husband died.
The year she had stopped talking
aside from the hushed prayers in church
but she was talking to him; that didn't count.
60 rings.

And Cassandra just disappeared.

No one found the body
no one found anything
aside from flip flops and a mumu.
The lifeguards were nearly scandalized
for letting Cassandra drown
but soon she went from a news story to a ghost
and the mothers! sniped at their children
for whispering
"Did you here about old Ms. Cassandra?
They say she found God."
When I read a love poem
from even long, long ago
I imagine that they are from you
and the urge to kiss you becomes so great
that I feel I could reach into the fabric of the world
and make you come to me.
And when that urge
is denied
it breaks me so,
but ah!
I love you!
I love the crinkles in your eyes when you smile!
And the gray just starting in your hair!
my dorm walls are so white white white
that i cover them in my paintings
so i can make eye contact
with something that can care
and i am reminded
of spraying quotes on the walls at school
getting busted
thrown in the detention room for a week
and scribbling still more
on those white white walls
Desperate
I ain't desperate
I am just reaching for the light
*** I haven't seen the sun in four whole years
and now it is glinting favorably
in a hole up above

Desperate,
I'm not desperate
just torn up inside
you see, the unicorns in my imagination
went on strike
and it ended in riots
the papers said so.

Fact is, there is a difference
between being desperate
and impatient
there ain't nothing left
but candles burned to stubs
and busted headphones
torn up books
and ones never opened
i am here

beneath

the
       covers
trying to take my mind off of dying
off of loneliness
off of everything
Today
I bought myself
a little stingray
red and flowered
I bought myself
a ukulele
dying
dead
dirt
dirt
worms
burst
melt
disappear
only to be born again
as the flowers under my blanket
as i curl up and read
while thinking of you
i didn't go this monday
please let me explain
you knew me
but you didn't know me
you were just kind.
you were so kind.
and a lot of people weren't
and now

well

i didn't see you off
but i wanted to
the black dresses choke my heart
and remind me of when we'll all be surrounded by them
in our best clothes

i didn't tuck you in
i couldn't bare the faces
of people who knew you
looking at me
and knowing
that i shouldn't have been there
yet again

but you were kind
so so kind

i do not miss you
not like a friend who has left
but i owe you
i should have done and thanked you
but i didn't
so i'm sorry
i'm so sorry
There is a girl who goes here
who looks just like you
i'm so sorry i didn't come to watch you go
are you now back to watch me through school?
oh hecate, have mercy upon me
and shield me from this bewitchment!
or at least lend her kindness
like she had in this last life
i was too weak to go!
and you too kind to deserve me!
oh please, forgive me
i'm begging you
forgive me
forgive me
forgive me
i'm kinda freaking out.
there are mornings when I wake up
and the dreams the night before
are pools in front of me
distorted clowns of people begging to be mingled with
so much better than the dead insects on the shore
but I know in my dreams I am a quiet God
I do not trust myself with such power
so I force myself to stay away
with the socks draped over my hamper
and the bugs kicked off to the walls
Think that the dolls in houses
get mad
or depressed
shoved in closets
untouched till the day they are shoved into the attic?

I opened my doll house
and all that I found
were porcelain skins
sprinkled dust
on the plastic

they got out
little slug
lived his life
thinking he was a snail
until a man came along
ripped off his shell
and covered him in salt
more about ****! sorry folks, i wrote a lot this year and just never posted it, so yeah. sorry that things are as grim as they are. i don't have so many love poems from this year.
My baby brother's gone off
on a plane
to way, way down South
He left too early for me to realize
that I
was worried

I've flown alone before
but he;
he's so independent
and that sort of thing can lead to trouble
So now he's off and away
learning how to shoot down jets in Alabama
I hope my air force kid
doesn't get lost
I haven't written anything in over a year.

My chest has risen and fallen with the track of the sun, like a neanderthal burial covered in flowers.

I have wept for myself, I have wept for my friends, I have wept for my grandfather now in my lungs and in the soil,

but still I haven't written anything in over a year.

I went to the zoo one last time with my confidant, rode up the long elevator so steep I would fall off with a sneeze.

I have felt the last rays of sun before winter, I have felt ice on my eyelashes, I have felt the length of winter, stretching out into eternity, stretching out way beyond what I can touch,

but still I could not bring myself to carry a pen.

I have heard a phone call I've dreaded my whole life, the stony silence of a room full of bad news when the ice cream clutched in my bird bone hands hit the ground.

I have met the ground and the hard concrete, I have met death sitting on top of a cherry tree, I have met a woman calling herself my Nana but half of her is dead,

And I guess I wasn't brave enough to grab a pen.

And I wasn't brave enough to see my grandfather in the casket.

I never saw the wreath of flowers, I never saw his wedding photo propped up in the corner of his little bed, I never saw his chest move and move no more, with the track of the sun, like a neanderthal burial, covered in flowers

but I did see the room full of people when I gave a eulogy
and I heard the lie I told that this wasn't an unfinished story, and I feel death and grim upon me like ancient flower pollen fossilized in awful crystals on my bones.

And maybe that is why I have been too scared
to write
for over a year.
it hasnt been a good summer
No I have never killed a man
never brought about a suicide
I have been in a couple pretty ****** fights
but that's about it
My issue is that I do feel impure
and I know that it isn't for a reason
so instead of complaining about it in real life,
I'll go on a poetry website
you know,
where that sort of thing is expected
I tried to bake
you cookies but it seems like
I am a hippo
my darling
looks at my unshaved legs
and looks at his
and sees little difference
because
he knows we are both human beings
and doesn't find my natural functions
a novelty
or a turn off
today my mind went completely blank

not that i wasn't paying attention

i noticed everything that was happening with perfect clarity

everything was there

but me.

it was a fever dream

without the fever

feeling nothing
seeing everything
hearing everything

i was the princess of reality.
loud
loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud             can you even                                                                              
hear yourself                     loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud
over all this
loudness
in your mind
in your dreams?
is it guilt?
do you need space?
loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loud loudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudl­oudloudloudloudloudloud
loudloudloudloudloudloudloudoudloudloudlo­udloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloudloud
The sweet, honey colored love
that pours from every cut
every other girl made on you
You let me kiss it better
inhale its sweetness.
In turn, the salt that pours from my own wounds
from black eyes dealt
and flesh cleaved for the pleasure of greedy wolves
it mingles with your flavor
and I hope it sets you onto the same dazzling track that I find myself on.

I use the word 'fireworks'
'firecrackers'
those two words
they have leaked into everything I write
because it is just how I feel
How I used to hate dance music
and now my hips sway to a beat that you showed me
showed me to smile
and I showed you where to cry
right here, right with me

Those sparkling lights over the ground
blasting off in gold and white
burning and glowing
and not stopping
a constant barrage of color and splendor
We were buried up to our necks just before we dug out
and now we're here
barely missing the stars
holding hands
and becoming

Honey
and Salt
and Firecrackers
I love you more than the sun in the sky
the thing that banishes those demons from me
and scatters them to the four winds
just flax in the wind.
I skipped away
from a human request
a work titled "I Need Your Help",
just clicked away, like it was nothing
I tried to click back!
I tried!
But the address had expired
and my humanity with it.
It starts as a drizzle
massaging the green land
and raises to a down pour
washing it clean again
thunderstorms, even are fitting, pure,
loving the ground with the passion with a kiss
But passion rapidly turns sour,
and carries on too long
ripping the banks
flooding the land
till she is as frightened as a battered woman
I live
In America,
in a suburb by the woods
where the city is just a sneeze away,
but just too far to touch.
And the fireworks at the baseball games rattle my windows at night
and the 10:15 train rattles by
on time
every night

She lives
In Japan
in a little town by the sea
I was there once, among the rice and water
and we both biked to school.
And the cranes that loaded the massive ships loomed over our lives
and the hush of a small town woke me
ever
single
night
I watched them fall
motionless, downward,
arms cast up
waiting for time to start
but time won't move
a clock never ticking forward
I start my medication today.
It's the first one I have ever taken.

You know, I have been called a lot of things in my life
and most I will let roll off my back
but there is one that,
no matter who you are,
if that word trickles out through your insolent lips,
my fist will pass between them
and find your teeth.
Never, never,
have I been a coward.
I have been afraid,
I have sat shivering in a corner from it
and I have locked myself in the basement
to escape my mother's wrath and brush
but never have I stayed there
and never will I.
Whatever I have been afraid of,
I have stood up and taken head on.
My nerves are no obstacle to me.
Were I to stop at the first quailing fears that grasped my body
I never would have grown up
never have done anything of note
**** fear.
I'm starting a medication
and I'm scared
but **** it,
I am coming for my fears with a spear and war paint
can you hear the dogs yelping?
Their chops foaming with hunger,
ready to be set upon the beast.
I will not back down.
I am ready for this.
**** the fear.
I'm coming for it.
GAD
GAD
When I'm home alone
I get wrapped up in myself and
those terrible things I make
God,
They never ever leave me alone
and they make me cry I'm so scared
I need to make myself a book
full of
hyaku yen
and Mom's mashed potatoes
and new fine point Sharpie pens
and pictures of your face
punk rock
folksy
classical
I need to make myself a book
of the things that can guide me out
*** I am not a fan
of being how I've been
orb-castle
of a thousand purple mountains
waiting mellowly
to be cracked open
by the orc siege of eager witches
rock collectors
little kids
I may be a feminist
but I am also proud of my choice
to be the hearth of my home
I know no one who cooks as well as I do
I take great pride in what I cook

Some day, I shall be a mother
a tree virtuous as the Earth
generous and skilled
this does not mean that I cannot fix a flat
or hell, change a tire
I can shoot a pistol
and win in a fight
I can spit and run and catch and throw
and God knows, I paint and write
but most of all,
I am proud of how I cook
of how I clean
for my home
is my canvas
Full eighteen holes
of sheer self conscious noise
SWING-crack
plop plop
*****
Gonzo used to say
before they blasted him off with fireworks
only ashes
he used to say that
the American Dream was dead

I disagree
The American dream is alive
though I haven't found it just yet
Fights
     They throw words like little hand grenades
because in our house, we cannot use fists
       (I feel that those would hurt less)
and he,
small boy full of rage and sound and not much else
with fists balled to tight
each wanting to strike out, to break his sister's stupid face

Searching through the catacombs of his mind he thought only of falling through a war chest
searching for some sharpened bone or anything to use
he was a skilled warrior of the shadows
with one jab he could ****** thorns through her guarded heart
the precision of a sibling ****** on his side
he had wounded her before
he almost always won
but his wretched
sister
refused to lose this time
refused to be out manipulated

She too had been training
sharpening a silver tongue
that usually served as a shield to her brother's barbs and wicked advances
but today it was a dagger
and assassin for the old king

"You never loved me," he lunged with a flourish
She parried with a cuss word and a sigh
he danced aside, and jabbed at her flank
"I'm going to jump off the cliff" he declared
she scowled
this move usually did her in, but with one glare, she kicked the sword from his hand, and rounded upon him
no fencing foil was on her, no seemly battle ax
but a dagger
and she drew in close
the killing blow
"You are only my half brother" she whispered
and he
was vanquished

The battle done, the two sunk to their knees
and sobbed

Fights
    They throw words like little hand grenades
because in our house, we cannot use fists
       (I feel that those would hurt less)
Her hands were so sticky and started to swell
Ugly, red, burgeoning paddles
convulsion nervously at her sides and then at her mouth as she held back a whimper
(The neighbors were still fighting
so no one would have heard anyway.)
Anyway
Her eyes bulged
as heart heart felt heavy, then light again, then heavy
When her eyes began to swim, she tried
she did
she tried to get to a telephone
but instead she collapsed
like an egg from the carton
and laid there
until the neighbors stopped fighting.
how much longer
until i am just the indentations
of a body
in my bed?
Heart is bound tight in a way that makes it explode outwards
pouring out of my heaving chest
and into you
I hope you like the taste
I know you do
as I pretended to be asleep at two in the morning,
you stroked my hair out of my closed eyes
held my hand to your lips
but then gently put it back
trembling in the night
as though afraid of what?
Waking me?
More accurately, disturbing me
(know that, my love, you never could)
You sat there
and I felt you watch me in the night
when I myself was almost asleep I heard you whisper secrets
ones I will not write
they were not even for me to hear
but darling
we are the same
and I will never leave
oh darling

that was almost six months ago
in the frigid air of March
but I know that we have not changed
and know I hold your secrets still
A relapse is not a pretty thing.

As I finally pick up pen and paper
or at least set my fingers fluttering over the keys again,
I have no victory to report.

Medicine has saturated my mind and whisked so much away
acid dissolving the Munich, the Skin Man, the Stalker, and Others...
But as is often the case
when I cast off one
I fall to another

My nights
I sleep well
because I've spent the day pacing, sobbing, wringing my hands
back to where I was before the fear set in
back to where I've always been.

A relapse is
that one drop of cold water
that hits between your shoulder blades
while you take a hot shower
a constant reminder
of the the guilty thing you were

A tiny, tiny vine
snakes across my shoulder
where all of my t shirts and tank tops cover
but even I can see
There is a difference between
pissy

and hot tempered

Pissy is
when someone says something,
says anything
they go off on a rant
cowardice, cravenness,
never ****** to your face
or rarely
because drama
good God, drama
Pissy is the bee sting
harmless but painful
nothing, something you can brush off
Pissy.

Hot tempered is
a chin turned up
a challenge to fight
say most things,
and they're just fine
but cross a line
and come out swinging
hot tempered is a boxer
in the corner ready for you
fighting for honor and the sort of hot blood
that only warriors can have
one of those fancy 10 word poems I see so often
I tried to write the truth
she can be a teacher
with broad soft arms
padded by the birth of children
and harded at the core
from when she could be a boxer
reeling from the punches
and spitting foul words
oh! the feeling of a fight
gives her swagger when she walks
in combat boots
from when she can be an artist
layered with paint and hair dye
all self expression and stardust
and thoughts
thoughts that have made me a scientist
a woman of science
a woman
is so much more
than the front of her
or even her insides
i'll calmly paint or teach a lesson
but i fight to feel alive
and no one no one
will ever take that english ivy life from me
Last night I saw a man hanging from a traffic light
just for a second

Framed in the yellow light of dusk,
it looked like a movie cover.
He was flopped over like a dead fish
his feet were just a little too large
and I tugged at my beau's sleeve to ask if he was there when
the world turned
and just like that,
he was gone.

If impermanence is a virtue,
life must be something worth having
and a legacy that can be dashed away
should be no scary thing and while
I am not really willing
to try and follow
that advice
it is a small thing I think on
when the hangmen grin and whisk away
on their strings
baby mobiles
turning towards oblivion
are you real
if i were to touch you
would my hands slip through you?
if we hugged, would i sink through into another universe
or do you just hide behind the mirror?
i saw you blink once
and lick your lips
are you real
or did i just forget my meds?
are you real
or am i getting worse?
i really was
just a quick ****
up till five in the morning
almost every night
your girlfriend neglected
was i more interesting?
or more willing
to put out?
oh lord
i'm torn in two
over my affections.
always
a quick ****
or a shoulder to cry on
a mother
or the ideal wife
you all see me as one
when i am all
and i am suffering
more emo ******* from my college experience
I don't pull the strings of fate
but I could cut them
there is a bottle of pills upstairs
as sharp as scissors
and ready to bite away at destiny
I shan't! I wouldn't!
But my innards ache
for a world I cannot and can never have!
So why wouldn't I take control of fate?
I don't weave the tapestries
but I can unwind them
The funeral really was an abysmal proceeding
as it should have been.

Closed casket.
The car that had hit him had nearly torn off his face
and no amount of mortician magic would make it lay straight.
Only his dog had been able to recognize him when they wheeled his body out of the ambulance for ID.

His parents wept,
well, his mother did;
his father did that thing real men do,
where they try and hold it together
so it looks like they're constipated.
I felt for them.
I did.

But it occurred to me that, what, what, what,
could anyone put in this boy's eulogy?
He had been an average student, which was fine,
he had been average at sports, that was fine.
He was no more or less boisterous than other kids in class-
oh, and the whole class had shown up to his funeral, though
if you asked,
I bet half of them wouldn't have known his last name.
At least,
not before it had shown up in the papers.
He was like the rest of us,
so there wasn't much to say.

It made me sad.
The only thing he had ever made,
the only thing most of us had ever made,
was a parade of poorly worded statuses and tweets.

That was it.

That was his legacy.

The preacher said he was devoid of life.
We knew we had never lived.
This is fiction, but inspired by a torrent of similar events and every day home room musings. I don't know. Maybe he had made a paper airplane every once in a while, which is almost hopeful.
do you think that baby birds
when falling from their nests
know exactly what's happening?
is the fall longer for them
since their lives have been so short?
so long that when they close their eyes
they can see a human life
from start to finish?
we are all living in the time it takes
peaking little robins
to become food for the ants
no actual idea what the **** this one is. i just like it
Are we really lives
or are we flowers?
Are we the lily breathes of fairies left behind?
Blooming, fading,passing away
to be breathed in be another.
a lion out of the plains would be sick
walking tall in a marsh
with mud in his pretty mane?
no i don't think so.
fighter in the wrong land
fury in the wrong fist
turned inwards instead of to the wildebeest
cloven hooves at his ***
instead of teeth at their throats
proud proud lion
never be a gangster here
pull up that saggy skin and face the facts
you're in the wrong town now, kitten
more about me feeling wholly  out of place, though this one is delivered  with a more upbeat tone.
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