Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Christina Alltop Jan 2016
When I think of this heartbreak five years from now,
I will not remember laying awake at night, my head spinning from crying so hard or even the drop of my stomach at the sound of your name.
I will not remember these things.
But I will remember the Tuesday morning I rolled out of bed, restless, and brushed my teeth and went about my day with a smile on my face anyway.
I will remember the beauty of the words on the crumbled up paper, stained with dry mascara marks.
I will remember the inspiration it had given me.
I will no longer feel the crisp autumn air on my skin and shutter.
I will inhale the scent of apple cider and pumpkins and exhale with a sense of thankfulness.
Thankfulness that things happened the way they did, because I am the person I am because of it.

In five years from now, I will remember who I was and I will compare it to who I am and I will stand with my head held high, my chin held up and my smile out, knowing I am strong, beautiful, smart and loved and I can get through just about anything.

And I will be just fine.
Christina Alltop Jan 2016
She told me, “Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is the stars above you on your darkest nights. They remind you that you are so minuscule and the battle you’re fighting is just a grain of sand in this universe. Sometimes, the light is within you. It’s in the way that you decide to dust yourself off and pick yourself back up again after falling and being kicked. It’s in the way you decide to rise about your circumstances. Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is all in the mindset. Love, please, do yourself a favor. And count your stars. Not your scars.”
from a book i'll never write
Christina Alltop Dec 2015
i promise you will never be as beautiful

as you are in the eyes of a poet.


did you ever think

that the curve of your lips

would be worth writing about?


oh god,

that crooked smile

has my pen bleeding ink

faster than i can keep up


did you know that

i’d find inspiration from

the scars on your hands?


tell me,

did you know that

i would write about the way

the light fell on your face that night,

the hair dangling in your face,

your eyes looking more beautiful than

the stars above us?


does it bother you to know

that all of our secrets

make their way

onto paper?


or does it comfort you

knowing that

i can’t forget?


what does it do to you?

knowing that i compare your words

to flowers growing in the bottom of my soul,

the weeds entangling around my heart…


does it bother you that

i’ve turned you into a poem

over and over again?


or does it do nothing at all?

please tell me.
Christina Alltop Oct 2015
my favorite melodies
have transformed into haunting tunes
even the chilly weather
brings me back to thoughts of you
Christina Alltop Dec 2015
the e minor chord on my guitar

reminds me of the day you left me

with nothing but memories

and an untuned six string



i have no regrets

even after i poured everything i was

into a boy who tried to empty me

and refill me

with everything he thought i should be

i have no regrets



i got my heartbroken

so i chopped my hair off

i got my first tattoo

i read more books

i loved deeper

i laughed louder

i listened more



i fell out of love with you

and fell in love with living

more and more each day
Christina Alltop Dec 2015
You love me an immeasurable amount.
Not because of who I am, or what I say or what I do,
But because that's just who You are.
And that is so difficult for me to grasp.
Because,
There are people who have barely scratched the surface of who I am or what I stand for
And have written me off as,
"annoying," or "attention-seeking," or "ugly,"
... But you know every detail.
You know my desires that shouldn't be desires.
You know the number on the scale that I've lied, so many times, about.
You know about the hours I've spent critiquing Your creation in front of the mirror, how many hours I've spent tearing myself down.
You know how many times I've chosen the temporary pleasure and the desire to feel beautiful over You.
And because I find Your love so hard to grasp,
I try to create my own security blanket.
"Just in case" I've accidentally derailed myself from the tracks You've set before me.
But then I hear You whisper,
"it's okay, my love."
And then, You wrap me up in Your love and mercy and take me on a detour
Where You cover my sin and You nail it to the cross, You strip me down and I become new.
And I will never understand.
But God, I am so grateful and overwhelmed,
That You love me an immeasurable amount.
And thank God it's not based off of who I am... but it's based off of who You are.
Christina Alltop Oct 2015
Everything about that night is engrained in my memory. I remember every detail from the sand between my toes, to the salty breeze in my hair. I remember it being so dark that I could see nothing except the moonlight's reflection on the water. I felt the cold midst on my face and I could hear the angry roars of the waves.

I was so mesmerized by all of it. I remember thinking, "This world is so big and I am just a speck and I am so in love with him." I was so in love with you, every part of you, from the inside out. You asked me to be yours that night and I felt so much all at once that I thought my heart was going to explode. I remember feeling like all of my feelings were so temporary, like the ocean waves could take them away from me at once and drown them.

I remember wondering how long this would all last, how long it would take for you to fall out love with me, how long it would be for the universe to take you away from me. You wondered why I cringed at the word "forever." And this is why. After seeing all of me and taking it all in, it took you less than six months to realize that I am not what you wanted. You told me to go home and never call again. I swear to God, I felt so mentally hurt to the point where I was physically sick.

You told me you couldn't do it anymore, but what you don't know is, I would have done it over and over again until we got it right. But you didn't care. You fell out of love and that's okay. It is okay to fall out of love with people. I've learned that. We all do at some point. I respected you for respecting yourself enough to walk away from someone who wasn't helping you grow as an individual, but that doesn't minimize the pain that I felt.

I drove back to the ocean that summer night and I stood there. Sand between my toes, midst on my skin, tears in my eyes. I remember thinking, "This world is so big and I am just a speck. And I am so in love with him." My heart ached and I screamed as loud as my body would allow, and no words could ever explain how I felt, especially to anyone who has never experienced this. The ocean waves screamed back: "You must not get over it, but get through it. Swim hard and fast and fight this heartbreak and you will come out better and stronger for it. All of your feelings are temporary, yes, but the bad times create lessons while the good times create memories."

I threw all of my broken pieces into the waves that night. The ocean stripped me down and I stood bare of who I once was and all of the hurt I was feeling. I let it recreate me. The universe reminded me that it's a lot bigger than you and I, so I forgave it for taking you from me.
inspired by an old friend
Christina Alltop Dec 2015
who you are will become a memory,

who you become will be a stranger.

and that’s the weirdest part

about falling out of love with someone,

who has memorized the back of your hands

and the smell of your hair

and the sound of your laugh.

you and I will become

an entirely different bundle of cells

made new by our experiences

and our constant change of perspective

this is my hope

this immense sense of vulnerability I feel

is fading, with every new day

you don’t know me anymore

so don’t you dare claim that

because who I was is a memory,

and who I am is a stranger.
Christina Alltop Dec 2015
why do I only write
when my world is black and white

why does my pen only bleed
when I'm wounded
Christina Alltop Dec 2015
my innocence met a boy

who introduced himself as the love of my life

my naivety met heartbreak

who came to teach me a valuable lesson

my soul met loss,

my least favorite friend

but i’ll be okay

— The End —