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Phoenix Rising Aug 2017
i should spend more time with you
instead of wasting away in my room.
i'm so self-absorbed and it's rude
that for a second, i could even forget about you.
your existence matters.
you aren't dusty furniture
that we bought to impress
the friends who come over
and do not even notice.
because they are just as self-absorbed
as me
and you.
we should start listening to our elders,
they don't speak to hear themselves.
family matters.
we just let them waste away
thinking we have another
*******
day...
Phoenix Rising Nov 2014
Blossoming jubilee
Petals trickle down their symphonies
Sharing gold-containing liquids of sweet nutrients
Fellow friendly winds carry their children across manmade architecture
Hugging onto hoodies and sightseeing before resigning into the soil
To patiently grow into personal structures
That will repeat the cycle of unified fields of family
Phoenix Rising Jun 2018
Pain inspires change.
It's not the best way,
but sometimes it's the only way.
Phoenix Rising Feb 2018
if "all people cheat, sooner or later" then i'm ok with being alone forever.
Phoenix Rising Aug 2016
the window is clear and open

the fog from my overused, hyperventilating lungs is absent

the rain from my eyes no longer marks my architecture

i see a change i think i had a part in---
doesn't matter
it happened

older i grow, my mind moves slower
----away from emotions

i'm greeted in new ways
a new phase?
Phoenix Rising Dec 2018
I am haunted:
Not by poltergeist,
but by my unlived lives.
Parallel universes
won't ever speak,
they took an oath
to keep from me.
I have words and voices
humming in my head
that will never be met
outside of my bed.
I have to accept
I cannot have it all,
I have to accept
knowing nothing at all.
Phoenix Rising Mar 2018
5 hours of sleep in 2 days

can't sleep more than 30 minutes
at a time

...wearing your hoodie...

keep jerking awake and checking phone frantically

thinking i'll see you or hear from you

even though i changed numbers and took social media hiatus

i miss you so much

im not living

this isnt living

im sick
Phoenix Rising Oct 2014
Imprints, emotional cuts that feel skin deep
I like the way your tears glisten on your pale skin
Priceless diamond drops
Chameleon eyes, changing along with the seasons
And with the shirts you indecisively choose to wear
For the people you pretend to like

You hold values close to your chest, worn like a necklace
Lip syncing yesterday's words I whispered to you
When we were in bed, alone and intimate
Forgetting about today because your head is on my pillow
Still kissing my lips and tasting my emotions I transfer onto you
Yearning to be loved, while loving relentlessly
Phoenix Rising Jan 2015
the deja vu is far from new
telling me this path is true
i love you
and myself, too
life is to learn
learn to love
love is the essence
of what we call above
heaven

if what you feel is hellish
why do you think heaven is not achievable
i have never seen disorder in the way of the world
and perfect geometric designs
inside the plants
and the universe among the stars
i've never seen lack of balance
when sad makes happy, happy
and happy makes sad, sad

life is not exactly a mystery
you're the mystery
that resides inside yourself

the world is not trying to fool *you
people are a walking, talking mess and life is to balance themselves out energetically and emotionally (sorta the same/go hand in hand) and prepare to become once again (like many times before) etheric

the universe has many mathematical conducts
and if i were to say what is disorganized with the world...
i would not say the plants, the weather, nor the animal kingdom
I would consider a being due to the fact that we are an alienation of everything that's ever been on this earth from our time visiting
we are taboo, completely sudden
we have been alive on the minute scale of creation, to our knowledge
we are indeed here for a spiritual purpose
and i'm far from the only one that feels that way

we have too much energetic power and light within us
along with a set of skills for creation
to have been here once (in the flesh/form of anywhere in the universe)
we are so much MORE than we realize
Phoenix Rising Jan 2021
staying sober is so ******* hard
and i can't ever seem to get clean.
i can go for a week tops and then it's a huge ******. i wish it were easy, i wish i wanted to be clean...but honestly it feels so ******* good and i have zero regards for anyone i hurt in the process. i dont know how to conquer this disease. it's killed me once and it almost killed me a second time and i only used more after. what do i do? rehab ******, 12 steps ****, my sponsor ******. ****. i wont last forever if i keep using, because i fell in love with fentanyl.
Phoenix Rising Mar 2020
Pink shadow
patted by fingertips
and light lip gloss
spread across my lips,
a lightened face to dismiss
my dimness.
War paint has evolved
into an approachable
weapon that slowly takes ahold.
Engulfed in subtleties,
you don't view as whole
and it's too late
once you're left hollow.
Phoenix Rising Jan 2015
I can't tell you why women fall in love with people who aren't as crazy for them back but I can tell you what happens when it occurs.

The love for the other person fills in deeper to compensate the lack of love given back. That's why the repercussions are so detrimental to the emotions in the very end...because the whole time you were loving for two and that's heavy.
Phoenix Rising Jan 2022
being a
hopeless romantic
is just
appreciating
art
that breathes.
Phoenix Rising May 2015
I forgot I was human,
forgot days were different,
forgot sensories were enhancing,
forgot emotions added depth,

I forgot because I got caught up in it
Phoenix Rising May 2015
I have been longing to feel for so long that when it finally made its arrival I was too acquainted with the numbness and ran away.
Phoenix Rising Sep 2017
The real war is inside ourselves.
If we can push through the expedition,
if we can conquer our minds,
we can save the human life.
Phoenix Rising Jan 2015
I turn my gaze towards the cathedral window
I notice tiny snow particles fly sporadically
and that the sun is playing coy again
The wind wanted the limelight
and the only red tree danced away with it's glory

I used to be depressed, especially during winter
This is a sign, since I'm not
Phoenix Rising Jan 2015
I am insane.
but I am not insane in just anyway.

I am completely sane.

I crave insanity.
Bad turns me on.
I am obsessed with the idea of a sociopath.
I want to never hold back words and actions.
Selfishness is ****.
But I will never be that way.
It's all I've ever wanted.
Was to be insane.
Phoenix Rising Mar 2018
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
I ******* LOVE YOU, JORDAN.
Phoenix Rising Sep 2020
Numb, numb,
numb, numb,
numb, numb,
numb, numb,
numb, numb,
numb, numb,
numb, numb,
numb, numb.
You're just
a
number.
Phoenix Rising Mar 2020
It's over before it begins,
that's my decision.
I got a heart
with fifty incisions.
Past lovers
look more like accidents.
I wake up next to an empty bottle
of grey goose or
whatever someone else chose
to lead the night.
I'm fuzzy and faded,
thirsty and jaded.
Phoenix Rising Oct 2015
You don't fall in love with the person,
you fall in love with their problems.
Living without a story line would make you feel dull;
You can't sit still.

O, to prey and feast on potential self-background defining candidates...
You're not a whole,
just a mosaic of the people you found with psychological issues.
You're a moth drawn to a light; the light being something, kind of, familiar.
Phoenix Rising Oct 2014
Unamused, abused, inflicted by I
Distractions, that keep my heavy eyes alive
***, drugs, deep conversations keep me fed
This feels as real as pretend, driven by others for fuel I don't have
This must be the end
Nah, I'll never die,
I'll continue to tell myself so I don't amend my habits

Embrace these teenage customs that feel so unique
They aren't, but that keeps me in synch
Willingly letting denial be a trait, a style of it's own
That will take me out one day, I already have condoned
Phoenix Rising Oct 2014
I don't know how to be close
I paint myself in colors, expecting love to come
To only find an idea destroyed, broken into crumbs

When love meets me, more gleeful than ever
Dull and nuetral I become, distant and unfamiliar
Curl up, roll inside myself, harden shell, dismembered mind

I guess I never really wanted love
Phoenix Rising Jun 2018
My life has been turned upside down!
It's like I never had depression to begin with.
Please, if you are struggling with depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide and feel like there is no way out...seek help...it's totally worth it.
I used to be against medication but I had a chemical issue in my brain and I was going to end my life. I told myself this was my last resort and if it didn't work I was going to die.
I am so glad I seeked help.
There is hope.
Phoenix Rising Mar 2018
Can't stop thinking how someone is gonna invite you out on st pattys and you're gonna **** someone.  God why can't my brain *******.
Phoenix Rising Nov 2014
pressed against my lips
Firmly between my ****
Tobacco in my hand
On papers and in filterland

I smoke with friends at parties
That serve high quality beer and bacardi
The nicotine is what I need
And sometimes I throw in some ****
*My goofy, simple poem*
sometimes simple can be as great :)
Phoenix Rising Feb 2021
I seem to exhaust myself
way before expressing an opinion.
I believe it's my own way
of preserving authenticity to myself.
My own little secrets. It makes me feel like they hold more power....like a party full of rich people who exclude "regulars" and slap "Exclusive" as a theme.
Believe me,
when I say...
I don't have much else to offer.
I've given every piece
I've ever been familiar of myself
to some other outside source,
definitely, not worthy of having...seeing...touching.
Maybe it's a lie.
I could just be lying to myself.
Maybe I'm just tired and sad.
Phoenix Rising Dec 2014
you
are so
much more than

forever you will reside
a place inside my heart
you left too many imprints for
me to deny changes have been made

i love these changes because i love you
my heart will always ache a sense of compassion
Phoenix Rising Feb 2018
I wish my mother could
love herself
so she could could
love me,
so I could
love myself
and I could show you
how much
I love you.
But I do love you.
Unlike she loves me.
Phoenix Rising Feb 2017
5:25 P.M.

I have made a vow to myself.

I'll never let you go.

All the nicotine,
alcohol
and pills
can't wash you away.

You're a stain
I purposely poured ...
all over me.

I close my eyes
and I see
nothing but you.

Nothing but you and me.

Love ***** me up
---for better and for worse.

But I won't let my mother
and my father
pass down this....
curse.

Some day we will
purify our love
and it will no longer hurt.
Phoenix Rising Aug 2017
I almost lost you
as quick as I found you.
I almost ran away
before showing you myself.
I could have kept running
and driving
and crying...
But I think I'll rip that page right out.

I'll be who I say I am.
I'll love you stronger than anyone.
I am different...and I am so sorry.

Sometimes I think
that I'm doing you a favor ...
running away
/a selfless act of freeing you of me/
...but now I see that is more selfish than

anything.
Phoenix Rising Jul 2018
Feeling all alone is hard to accept.
I wish I could save you,
but it never works out like that.
I have to sink a little lower
to help you lift back up.

I dream of being a time traveler
so I can undo all I've done to hurt you.
I can only learn to be less ******.

It hurts a lot to see the resentment between us and have no power over the situation or how you percieve me.

I guess it's really over this time.
We used to have so much energy
for a chase.
I can tell things
have changed between us...
Now there are no more call backs after a fight,
now you walk away
and leave instead hearing me out.
There is no more
fighting for another chance,
only fighting and going on with the day.
I guess it's really over this time...
Phoenix Rising Mar 2018
I can't stop pacing
around the kitchen and
into my room, back and forth.
It's taking everything I have
to not start using again.
Feeling the aches of my heart
and the strain on my sanity...
I just want to touch you
one more time
then rewind
and press play
for the rest of my life.
Literally, the rest of my life.
Phoenix Rising Feb 2015
I do not want to forgive myself for the events I put you through

But I must in order to move on

You will always be a part inside my head that fills in the gaps of my consciousness

There is a version of you that speaks to me that I have created

Now, when I speak I remind myself of you often

I'm pretty sure I'll always be in love with you

And that's okay,  I can live with that

Because I don't think I could redo it again

The damage isn't worth it

Hey I love you, but no ******* way
Phoenix Rising Feb 2023
Tired of people [typically men]
telling me to smile.
Why the **** would
I need you to
tell me?
Did you think
I forgot?
Let's allow
all of our feelings.
They exist for a reason...
And I hate to admit it,
but pain is when I have grown the most.
I love who I'm growing into.
Let's not shun
the bad ones.
We need them.
So...
******* laugh,
or get mad.
Cry a river
or lay in bed.
Feel them all,
because
they are needed.
Let them pass
and be on their way.
Don't pretend
or they'll never go away...
So, next time you tell me to
S M I L E,
how about you just
get the
*******
away from me.
I'd rather *****
than have you
mold me
into your little
*******
barbie.
Phoenix Rising Aug 2017
Boy...
Was I wrong.
All I ever really needed was

to be loved...
I was heavily addicted to oxycodone for 3 years and I feel that the battle is coming to an end. So many friends and family and love and support.
Phoenix Rising Nov 2014
Our love was complex
It was real, though
really real
One day, something tragic occurred
And I still loved you so much
But there was an undeniable pain that wouldn't dissipate
It couldn't be healed from more love or separation
trust me I tried everything
So, I decided to just become invisible
Or at least that's how I feel now
I love you so much there is no room *forspaces
Phoenix Rising Mar 2018
I never thought I'd be an addict.
Once I tasted that fate... I saw everything after.
I was always addicted to something.
People, adrenalin, chaos.
Opiates were nothing more than an add-on. Another to the list...
Something inside me is growing...
Even though I'm more negative than ever, a part of me wants to grow and learn more than ever. I always lied to myself about being happy...but maybe I've been doing it all wrong.
Maybe I need to be angry. Maybe I need to yell and scream and get it all out of my system so I can make room for real happiness.
Maybe I'm just metaphorically throwing up all the toxins.
Phoenix Rising Apr 2020
I'm the scapegoat
for sad people
pretending to be happy.
If they focus the attention onto me,
maybe for a minute,
they'll forget their sadness.
God forbid,
they'd feel anything at all.
Phoenix Rising May 2015
dashing charm
couldn't stop the harm
i was going to cause
to you
Phoenix Rising Mar 2015
love but do not obsess
obsession causes imbalances
it blinds you and you find no room for others

obsessing is giving your mind the right to possess you
Phoenix Rising Apr 2017
Will the weather ever get better
inside my head?
Can these thoughts, formed as prison bars, dissipate?
I'm not sure how much longer I can entertain the monster.
Phoenix Rising Oct 2017
I'm the energized bunny with my battery mind...
Duracell [24/hour] thoughts all the time...
My bones are showing, again.
Pretty is pain, pretty is thin.
Here I go again, searching for a problem...
I can't be satisfied, just gotta make myself cry all of the time...
Selfish little brat; selfish swine eating all the time...
I could be spending enjoying loving you...
but I spend it worrying...
I spend it starving...
I spend it loosely...
Like pockets with holes...
As if you'll never leave...
Why can't I breathe...
What's going on with me...?
I am ill...I need help...
Abandonment issues that need dealt with...
I don't want you to leave...so why do I push and push and push you so ******* hard...
When all I yearn for is your heart and reassurance...
You're all I think about...
All I ******* think about...
I see so much good...
But I destroy everything I touch...
Everything I love...
I'm allergic to.
I grow sick and I sink to the bottom of my [trench] of a mind...
I feel the pettles of my existence drop at the extent of wonder...
My mood quickly plunders...
Phoenix Rising Feb 2015
death is life

when a star dies, it falls inwards
following a miraculous explosion

death isn't life because
life ends in death

death is a spark
of a beginning,
a push...
towards being
what you were meant to be

life isn't unknown, a mystery
it is just hidden, child's play
and those equipped with a childlike fascination
will disobey norms and willingly search for
and crawl through the rabbit hole

while coming to the conclusion
'logic' has been taught
to work around only physicality

expand
like the universe
Phoenix Rising Feb 2018
You were my cure,
and my poison.

You cured and put me at ease
when it came to searching
for ***,
pleasure,
euphoria.
You cured my loneliness,
and kept me safe.

You aren't the poison,
I'm the mix that creates toxicity.
I turned your love
into paranoia.
I turned your thoughts
into a stream that froze.

I am my own enemy.
I am my own problem.
Phoenix Rising Jul 2018
I am not a bad person.
I fight for what I love, but
I love myself too...
It's okay to say no.
It's okay to leave people you love
if they want to hurt you.
It's not your job
to be their one source of happiness.
It's just unrealistic.
J
Phoenix Rising Aug 2017
J
His eyes shimmered.

No need for the shine of a burning star
nor the glare of the moonlight...
For the warmth of his heart lit the path to my sanctuary.
"I love you, too", I replied.
J
Phoenix Rising Jul 2018
J
it's eerie how love
can time travel
and make a person,
i've known so little,
so familiar
JDH
Phoenix Rising Aug 2017
JDH
I wish you knew.
O, how I wish you knew.
Everything I do.
Everything I do is for
you.

I wish I could say it,
scream it to the stars.
I'm sorry,
sometimes I just can't find the
words.

You're tattooed to my brain,
a permanent mark
on my heart.
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