me and her we barely talk
like spies for different governments
I've tried extracting information
but I'm cut off, passing out
and I wake up every time
17, heart-broken with silence

blank stares scan my every evening
somehow I am still invisible
turning this into a cold green light
to explore the dark corridors of my heart
my thoughts turn to microfilms
and battle plans and secret blueprints
my cover's hanging by a thread

I'm now a fugitive with everything to lose
a secret agent in love with their handler,
the disembodied string of signs on glowing screen
how much emptier than this is it possible to get

because there is no home
and you can't just go back to the agency
one wrong step and charges vary
from espionage to treason
and there've never been any right moves
at all

so now it's back to basics

may 13th, 9:22 pm
it's so silly to think that you used to be so warm underneath me and now you're underneath the ground six feet in and no one to love or kiss your broken fingers

may 16th, 8:41 pm
i wish you didn't have to leave me
i wish you could've killed me yourself
your heart's too soft for that though and i love you all the more for it
that's still not stopping me from missing you still

may 27th, 12:34 am
i loved you
i still do
******* for leaving and not telling me about it
how could you have done that
you caught me unaware, you *******
i miss you

jul 6th, 11:32 pm
my chest hurts
i don't think it's my ribs this time
it feels deeper

jul 18, 4:03 pm
i wish you and i had been a little stronger
i wish i had a chance to see your greying hair
to kiss your wrinkled eyelids
to wrap myself around you
'til death do us part

jul 20, 2:47 am
death came a little early for you, darling
you were my dream

jul 23, 6:08 pm
you still are.

you know the look
the look
when you feel eyes on the side of your face
but you're not completely sure
so you turn
instantly catching them
looking
their addictive
ice blue eyes
staring
and then quickly they're gone
looking somewhere else
like the floor or  
out the window or
pretending to be deep in thought
but
you know that they've been looking
because you've caught them twice before

i love you
and i just want to go to sleep
reading ****** sad poetry
and music that fills my dark room
alone, with no sound

'i love you'
i sent
but it's gone and done
gone for good

weren't we
eternity?
or was that
just me
imagining?
are you in your bed
missing me?
or in hers
trying to forget me?
if you haven't already
forgotten
(you said you wouldn't but now i'm terrified that you have)

this wasn't supposed to be
the end
a fact i can't accept
my life
without your life
that was never a concept
i could wrap around
inside of my head

and my biggest fear now
is not that you no longer love me
it's that i am afraid
you will forget me