you broke my heart.
no, you ******* ruined it.
to the point where the inner workings of my heart screamed for change instead of for you.
it took me months to pull wires and plug them in other sockets, hoping that it would set all my feelings for you on fire and burn them to a crisp because i couldn’t feel like that.
it took me an entire night to lace up my running shoes and by the time it was done, i was so numb that running felt like standing perfectly still.
so i ran and i ran and i ran. until i bumped into him.
and he seemed compassionate and gentle. not the way you were, but in a different way; a better way because it wasn’t you.
and now here i am, miles down the road and i’m in love with this person that isn’t you at all.
and some day i will marry him and it will break your heart the same way you broke mine.
but we will remain friends because my running shoes will come untied from time to time and you’ll catch up with me. because you’ve realized what you lost.
you’ll still make sure that i care and i’ll remind you that the only thing i ran from was your empty promises and thoughtless betrayal.
but i won’t stop for long, because each time i stumble and tie my laces, i get faster. not because i want to run but because i want to forget you in the least painful way possible.
i’m in love now, and some day i’ll set my running shoes on the shelf and you won’t be chasing after me anymore. the only thing i’ll have are the polaroids i took the night i realized you were my best friends, but for some reason the only image i can see clearly is the one where you and i don’t ever end up together the way we both thought we were supposed to.
and ten years down the road when i’m marrying this love of my life, i will remember the way you made me smile at one point, and when i kiss him, i will forget you ever existed and i’m so sorry for that.
your eyes had hurricane in them the last time i saw you. that visible defeat and wreckage running rampant inside of you as you watched me smile and realized you are no longer the reason. your soft voice became an earthquake to the ones that loved you most and you forgot the storm you became ruined things in unfixable ways. so you sent out an SOS call only to realize you cut all the lines and there is no one left to pick up your pieces this time. you searched for temporary safe-holds inside of inconsistent people only to later realize that you already reached your max occupancy in the grave yard of people you left behind when you forgot how to care. so now you throw the empty souls over your shoulder and you walk holding the weight of a thousand broken promises, taking on each day wishing it was your last. all because you couldn’t see what you had before your levee broke. and this time next year, you will still be searching for damage control to help clean up the mess that you made and i wish i could be here to help with that but you already pushed me away.
for tonight i will lay on my back and endlessly think of you until sleep somehow crawls it’s way inside of my eyes and sends me dreaming recklessly of a time when you and i could be so much more than broken pieces of “almost love.” and when i wake in the morning maybe i will find peace of mind with the new reality that you and i are nothing more than two strangers now, one unable and one unwilling, to fix something that once meant everything but now means anything but. and next time i run into you i’ll smile politely, the way two people unknown to each other do. and i’ll wish you would have pulled me aside to tell me that you still love me, but you won’t. you will keep walking and you will ignore the fireworks going off inside your chest again, the same way i will. you will shut off that clock in your head that keeps track of your untimely departure and you’ll force your eyes to the floor, that way you don’t have to see what you couldn’t keep. and i noticed you still wear that heart around your neck and i wonder who it belongs to now because it’s certainly not still me. and i flip through old poetry and watch as all the crumbled pieces of you and i fall out and i wish i wouldn’t have ignored them but it’s to late now. you and i aren’t doing this together the way we promised. you aren’t loving me forever and you won’t love me now and i’m watching you forget what’s important to you and i’m so sorry i can’t recognize you anymore, but i’m so much more sorry that you can.
I am so sorry that i can't recognize you anymore
but I am much more sorry that you can...
"even broken things are beautiful you know..."
oh yes, even beautiful things are broken.
I'm so far from the surface now
I'm sure even if I wanted come up for air
I wouldn't have enough left in me to make it back up.
you said " go do whatever it is you want to do. don't let anyone hold you back or tell you that you can't do something. Don't let anyone stop you and don't let anyone make you feel guilty this time."
"okay." I said with a gentle smile.
that night I bought a ticket to England. It was the first place we met, remember? I went to the bridge, the same one I was at the first time I ever saw you, remember? I smiled at you and you walked over to me and introduced yourself. don't you remember? that was five years ago today.
I walked to one side to look over the brick wall at the rushing water below, the same way I did that day we met. I stood there and thought about all of the 3am conversations, all the laughs, all the smiles, and the way I practically fell for you overnight. I thought about all the times you reminded me that you'd love me forever and you'd be here till the end.
and i jumped.