I'm staring off into space.
Again while he speaks.
I'm thinking about other things.
Like the falling autumn leaves.
Thinking about what it would be like
For him when I'm gone.
Wondering who would miss me
I'm wondering if I'll stay long.
I'm slowly coming back,
Picking up words here and there.
Missing the feelings I lack.
Needing people like air.
He's still talking.
Except now he staring with hope in his strange eyes.
And I feel guilt rushing through me.
"Wait what?" I ask, with blankness on my face.
And so as he looks right at me,
He gets up and walks away.

If someone asked me if I regretted it, and I said I did...that it made things so difficult, hard to explain, contain...
I'd be lying.
Lying through my teeth, through my woes, through my checkered soles.
I miss your clumsy lips on me, lopsided with liquor as we stumbled along
the tattered college sheets.
It's been a month and I'm two steps back,
Trying to understand my life, my life as sudden as a heart attack.
You gave me your kisses, a little less than intended
I gave you my body but not my choices.
I want more, I wanted more but all before I wanted your friendship
We were/are friends unchained
Students with no purpose running astray
Your piercing and voice commanded to me
I called and you did but who would've thought we had the right chemistry?
I never loved someone more than you, in the way of pure intimacy and shoulder glance
It's been a month since our tryst in the sheets, hidden away in your tiny bed room with nothing but a laptop playing streams and a thick bed sheet
Skin on skin
We were mixed together as one, never been with someone my parents would love.
So bad so b a d
I loved your face and your voice
I loved your hands between my thighs
I loved your lips on my ear and neck
I loved feeling within you and in the middle of me
Knowing someone I somehow knew in all casual entirety
In the rain glimmers of dust
We talked and talked
*** was never a must.
That's why this is a surprise
Someone so dear to me could make me feel such a surmise
You're all I want but all a risk
I can't help but want you by my sheets
I fear a new day
A new day feeling still stuck in this way.

The heart --
        Can never be open
        Unless somebody
        Breaks it.
        
The love --
        Can never be true
        Unless somebody
        Makes it.

The seasons --
        Can never change
        Unless somebody
        Feels it.

These blankets --
        Can never be warm
        Unless they are
        Somebody's arms.

These words --
        Can never be relevant
        Unless they are
        For you.

Our love has faded like the seasons
and yet....
It cuts deep to think of the reasons.

They are in the very corners of my brain
and like a caged animal..
I retrace steps again and again.

If spring and summer were the very best
then what....
Do fall and winter represent, the test?

But is love like a winter tree instead
.......
The branches are bare, but it isn't dead?

tangled in my bed, you’re holding the bits of my smile that i didn’t even know fell out.
there, in the the gravities of messy sheets and intimate eye contact,
we come upon the part of the story when it reaches a climatic point of dizzying anticipation,
the type of expectation
that whispers sweetly on my skin as if it had the plot of our collision written on it.
here is the precipice of something scary; my tentative hands outstretched—
a coincidental incident; your hands reaching back,
folding me into your body.
everything is the same: the sun still came up to light our faces and
this little town hasn’t changed.
but everything is different, oh god.
the day i sat down in a mostly empty hallway
was the day that i realized i am the worst of unintentional catalysts.
the blush of borrowed luck stains my knuckles and i clench my fists in hopes that it will stay
before i let a safe house like you shelter a storm like me.
i’m so afraid of breaking you.
i’m afraid of my own vulnerabilities.
i’m afraid of letting people into the places where there’s still some wholeness to me. i know—i’m a walking contradiction.
touch and go,
stay and leave,
everything seems to fold.
what is that saying.
“the best laid plans of mice and men, often go awry”?
  never had a plan when it came to things like us but please understand
there are certain fragilities i can’t fathom in me and that i’m afraid of my destruction as i am of my own creations.

      but for now, this is the first chapter in our book.
this is the first day I wake up.
this is where we start.

In these streets gather grime and slime,
And an ideological undercurrent
That is by no means benign.
Indeed, this culture is rapacious:
Exploit, take, exploit, consume,
Endlessly, ever endlessly,
With no regards for when it all runs out.

This cancerous mindset
Is now mainstream.
It is default.
It is not only allowed,
But rewarded.
Selfishness and sociopathy
Are synonymous with success.
You are what you own,
And nothing else.
Your little words and little drawings,
With their little meanings
Mean little to anyone.
Pack up the books, the pencils, the paints,
Stow them in the attic,
And instead,
Slave away at something you merely tolerate.
That, my friends, is the American way.

By: Forrest Jorgensen ©

"You fell in love with my flowers
But not with my roots
So when autumn arrived
You didn't know what to do"

-Unknown