i am starting to find myself
wishing i was elsewhere

i am losing myself in
places i already know

forgetting where im from
is something ive managed
to become good at

i am playing an endless game
of hide-and-seek
with myself

i speak hope that you may see through my lighter eyes.
through my spaced expression.
i surely do feel summer in my bones
i surely do feel like my world is expanding, as ***** and disbanded as my world may seem.
i know my state is temporary, just as it all is, but while i feel this, ill let it indulge
i will breathe in every last drop of this feeling until it is as dry as my bones

when i walk outside its amazing that i can feel the clouds wishing me farewall
the gut feelings are fading, everything seems yellow and grey
wont the chilly moon wish me a good rest of the year?
i am in dier need of a break

she is the only one i trust

i am forever trapped in a never ending cycle of complete density
i can no longer fit into one of these tiny boxes
and i am on the verge of either
panic
or
empathy

i am tired of the opposite ***
not the literal opposite ***
but the phrase in itself
the opposite
the thought of an "opposing team"

i see hospital beds but the walls are like mine
i see whispering rain showers and the
pursuit of comfort
then it all comes crashing down by the sun
by the heat and the melting of it all

these fears are generic
these feelings are currents washing over me
and though i do not know the cause
i do know the cure
or do i?

the sweetest sound is my own voice not trembling with anger
it is impossible to never not feel as though i need to yell at the top of my lungs
double negatives are something ive become good at
because i am not only negative
but that times two

im tired of people being loud
and the girls who
want me to yield
and the boys who
can but won't

im not your puppet
and im not your friend
i can't wait until you take your head out of the sand and realize
the world is meaningless when you're mean
i can see the venom dripping from your pretty teeth


it's okay to be jealous
just don't let it consume you

i prefer to think of titles after ive written the song

i need a break from people i see so frequently
im falling into traps more easily
i need new friends and a stronger defense

my considerate eyes and hopeful thoughts
so quickly turn to those that rot
id love to not have to hope
how does it feel to just be?
is anyone else truly alive in this world?
or just me?

this is raw honesty
i don't want your pity

hoping is like watching paint dry
ive got good intentions
but no reward at the end of it all

i don't want to "have been"
i want to be!
i want to not get-bored-of
i want to see the light in hoping again

in what way do you expect me to rejoice?
when there's chaos all around me
in this silence i am drowning

when my best day
is another's worst nightmare
all my prayers are ignored

i close my eyes before i ever shoot
i can shoot them arrows with my eyes
but still i can't look at you

my hands shake before i pull the trigger
but when there's adrenaline theres rhythm
and when there's music ive got eagle eye precision

we're finding out this is all we've got
while i learn
you're chugging bottles just to feel it burn

and i know i said id stop
i know i said I'd quit
but this war won't end so ill stay here just as long

ive learned that the man in the moon
might be a bit tired of hearing my complaints
and the universe doesn't care about me
but it's no surprise really,
since it's got the whole **** universe to take care of

i was too busy relying on the things that bound me
it all made sense in my head
and none of it had a consequence
but superstitions only have as much power as you give them

i am learning to be the center of my own universe
and to live as loudly as possible
i think im on the right course.
my train of thought is clear and mellow
and there's no sign of derail

the rain reminds me of the lights you said you could see from your window at night
i distinctly remember thinking
this is all ill ever be
this is the best ill ever get

and everything is wrong
and everything I say is a lie
But i don't think ill live that long

i don't want to fight anymore
the orange light is reminding me that
ill never go home
and my feet are cold and sore

im tactful im resourceful
and ill shut my eyes when i need to

IVE RESORTED TO WRITING WORDS I DONT BELIEVE
IN ORDER TO EVENTUALLY BELIEVE THEM

IVE REREAD EVERY FORTUNE COOKIE UNTIL MY EYES BLED
AND THERES A PERMANENT DENT IN MY PHONE
FROM THE AMOUNTS OF TIMES IVE PRESSED REPLAY ON MY "HAPPY" PLAYLIST

WHEN I TELL MYSELF ILL BE 100% OK
I HONESTLY DONT BELIEVE A WORD I SAY
BUT ISNT IT BETTER TO WISH FOR THE BEST
EVEN IF YOURE CERTAIN THE WORST WILL OCCUR

THE SMILE I GAVE YOU WHEN YOU INSULTED ME
MAY HAVE BEEN FAKE
BUT FAKE FEELS SO MUCH BETTER THEN BEING BITTER

it's taken a while for me to realize that
im not as deep as i seem
im a poser, a fake if you will
im pretentious and i gloat and spew garbage just like the rest of us
and i know i can be so much better

i know im not taking care of myself as best i should
and honestly, i know it doesn't all go uphill from here
it's rocky and treacherous
it's down, up, and down again
it's getting up and dusting yourself off

i ******* up
ive gotten bad again

but this turn in the cycle won't stop me
i can't change the weather
but i can alter the atmosphere

we are all wanderers,
climbing this rocky mountain
it's never-ending and there's no peak
but if you tilt your head and change your perspective
it all gets a bit smoother  

let me tell you again kid,
you're not as deep as you think you are
and you're not as sad as you think you are

rock bottom is not a fun place to be
you can't control your battles
but you sure as hell can fight

wow
we really need to stop meeting like this -
- in the back of my mind, you strewn across the hardwood floor, me, watching you.
there is so much you'd rather be doing, but ive got one foot on your neck
and the other on the keys

we're never getting out
it's just you and me and the four walls that bind us

i keep going back here, with you again
and everytime i get out im left drenched with guilt

it's funny how i declare how much I want to start living
when im killing myself in the process

it's unintentional though, but i guess that's the equivalent of me saying
"i can stop whenever i want"
i can't
and if the devil is controlling these motives
***** him !!

ive lived in this home for too long to be witty and edgy and declare that
i wanna go to hell!!

i don't
but hell is this feeling, it's guilty
it's you and you know it

leave me alone for like, 30 days
then come back to haunt me again

there's a time and a place for thoughts
this isn't.
im figuring it out, disregarding the things that hinder me
this may be a dream,
and you'll never understand my fears
but guilt is terrifying (it all is)

im pushing the negative out of my head
(trying)
and filling it with flowers that bloom into heart palpitations and shaky breathes

i know this doesn't rhyme, i know you hate it
and won't you just admit it?
that YOU DONT CARE?!
because you don't
and neither do i

i hope you never leave me hanging
i hope my relatives never expect me to call back
i won't

im not scared when im with you though,
but im not in love
because God knows im scared shitless of that

you don't get why im scared of my thoughts
falling into the wrong hands
im scared of getting old
but yet excited to get there
its exhausting

im not as soft as you think i am
im hard and loud and frankly
im terrified
im always either too much
or not enough

and this sounds bitter.
which says a lot doesn't it?
shouldn't it?
im working on it, ok?
im losing my mind over this.

i am my favorite song
i am rhythms and patterns, strategically placed
i am mezzo-piano
i am fortissimo

I am dynamics and crescendo
i am all the words i don't know

i am the sound of my guitar
with the "phaser" **** turned up

i will be amplified, i will be loud
and looped
and manic.

im the noise you can't get out of your head
i am sound
i am a whisper and a shout
perfectly blended

i am velocity
i am the build-up
and then the drop

i am the echo in a dark room
i am my favorite song.

i am slowly improving, growing, and learning to breathe
times are tough
but i am tougher
it's taken me years to realize
that i don't have to be good
I just have to be better than i was before

this is stretching, flying, drifting.
i am no longer dwelling
and when i am
it's fading

this is failing, wiping, closing.
this is shutting my eyes
and breathing
for once in my life

this isn't dwelling
this is living

this is me
trying

there is a pink peach resting on my window sill
it is the same color as your lip gloss was

im not one to be sentimental, but i really do miss our sun-lit mornings
i miss the light blue hotel
im not romantic, but this would sound better in French.

the day i realized you were gone, was the same day i snapped the guitar strings on accident

ive learned to love these fleeting things
because this is my life, there's no way to run from it.
ive found the light in hope
or at least im attempting

one day i will stretch my arms across my peach light duvet and the sun will peek through the window and none of us will fleet.

hopefully in three years your eyes burn at the sight of me

this is how you'll find me:

ill be standing in the corner of the party
hand in hand with a pretty girl, or guy, or anyone else or none at all
ill be wearing my favorite grey button up with my calvin klein bow tie

and I won't have spent a single thought on you

you'll see me from across the room
and i bet your hands would sweat
i bet you'd ignore me and attempt to block me from your mind
not knowing that i would always be there

you succeed until i wave you over
id ask you how your life has been
with the most sincere smile on my face
you question me with your eyes
and i don't waste my time with an answer

because here's the thing,
i don't have time to waste on you
and you know im bitter
ive always been that way

but i don't want you to hate me
i want you to envy what could have been

the standard definition of anxiety is this: "a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome."

last night was one of the worst nights ive had in over a year

i was plagued with anxiety the moment i walked into my house
and it didn't seem to fade with a shower
or tea
or even my favorite killers album

unnecessary fear surged through me like fire
and when i laid my head down to sleep
my head would not stop yelling unrealistic but terrifying scenarios

mom told me to snap out of it
and i almost snapped her neck in half

anxiety is not something you can control
i don't think im being cute, and i sure as hell am not doing it for attention

anxiety is almost impossible to explain
anxiety is this:

going go the doctors office at 2pm with your stomach in knots
and nausea in the pit of your stomach
finding out that it was no big deal
and then feeling like crap for making it all about you

im tired of all of these metaphors
let me tell it to you straight

I MISS YOU
I MISS NOT CARING
I MISS HAVING SOMEONE TO CALL UPON
I THINK YOUVE FORGOTTEN ME
I CANT HIDE FROM YOU ANYMORE
YOU ARE EVERYWHERE
I DONT DESERVE A THING IVE GOT

i am so SICK and TIRED of people telling me just to COPE
i can't cope anymore when everything smells like you and tastes like you and i keep thinking that
it's a sign from you

and so many
"maybe if i was younger"s

but i can't hide a guilty heart
my black hair is matted and seems to turn grey in the light
if i hadn't done that one thing
on that one day
would i be so ******* as I am now?

can you keep a secret?
i hate hiding from you
i really do

i hope to god you didn't forget about me
because i will never forget about you
trust me, and this may not make sense
but I've never wished the worst upon you.

i want you to be the best you can be,
and gosh dang it i miss you missing me.

arent you tired of talking about me in the past tense?