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896 · Aug 2015
mosquito bites
i think about the songs i wish i could write about you
deep and sweeping words that would compare your eyes to the sky and your laugh to starlight
compare the curves of your body to the most breathtaking places in the world and every childhood story you've told me to yards of silk folded and stored reverently in the attic of my head, on the shelf closest to my eyes so i'll remember them always
but then i remember that
these verses tied to your wrists with delicate, translucent chords
while they may make the tide trace currents in the lines in your face
they will not make your heart collide with mine
879 · Nov 2010
Why Not
Why don't you put on some makeup?
Why don't you straighten your hair?
Why don't you paint your nails red?
Why don't you fit in
with the crowd
of brainless
spineless
helpless
fools?
Because if you do
you'll be exactly
what they thought you were:
INSANE.
To those "perfect" girls.
872 · Jan 2011
Yesterday's Homework
Melted math
Equations too runny to solve
on a paper partially dissolved by rain
A pencil ripped through it
From halfhearted doodles
on the back
Eventually discarded
at the bottom of a backpack
And never turned in
This mess
will not be retrieved
Till the end of the year
It's a shame, too
Would have gotten
an A+
869 · Aug 2013
Protect
I see red
Of course she is red

                                                                A fire I do not dare to grasp
                                                                But oh, do I dream

Not mine
Of course not mine

                                                                This much is customary
                                                                 I'm used to that

Beautiful, and full of joy
                                                                It's always this way
                                                                Why is it always this way?
                                                                She must not know
                                                                I have to tell her
                                                                But do I?
That sweetness
I will never have
861 · Jan 2011
My Wonderful Mind
Hisses delusions
Jumps to conclusions
Causes confusions
With no real solutions
Twists and tangles
Slashes, mangles
Breaks and shatters
All that matters
Nothing works
It just irks
Muscle spasms and jerks
Just a jumble of feeling
To scrape off the ceiling
846 · Dec 2010
Not Joking
In the beginning
I thought that
we
were a joke
that was devised,
nothing serious
But then I realized
I wasn't dreaming
you weren't kidding
I opened up
I was happy
for
the
first
time
in
ages
I learned how
to smile again
please
don't let me forget
how to smile...
843 · Nov 2010
Slush
The once freshly fallen snow
is beginning to melt
and trickle down the street
to who knows where underground.
You wanted to dance
while I simply knelt
in the slush at your feet
and watched you twirl around.
823 · Jan 2015
Rosary
last night in my dreams i went to a bar

in the void

it was all darkness

dimly lit

there was an over-sized jukebox making otherworldly sounds in

what looked like a round corner

while the space felt crowded, it was almost deserted, almost empty

except for

the promise of wakeful suffering

the past's burn of *****

dinner, unsettled but unmoved

and an empty bag of fancy chocolate

to keep me company

long dead gods sometimes showed their faces and were unrecognized

i never drank a thing

i wasn't thirsty

but i sat at the bar, staring at everything but the jukebox

an empty, chipped glass in my hands

an empty, chipped smile on my face
817 · Mar 2014
a kite and a key
We pose for a photo
Your hand
On the small of my back
Smile, click, flash,
And you forge a path down and away
And I am wide wide awake
We pose for a photo
Your hand
On my arm
Smile, click, flash,
And you trace your fingers down and away
And I am wide wide awake
These shocks you give me
Could power Tokyo
But they're all mine
And I can only stand and be electrocuted by your little touches
While you find energy elsewhere
I need you like an artificial heart needs a charge
You need me like a light switch in a thunderstorm
813 · Dec 2010
X-mas
The season of giving
She claps her hands over her ears
to block out
the Christmas songs
and Santa
imitations
She bats away
the candy canes
their peppermint points
drawing blood
She shrugs off the festive
holiday scarves
and calls of "Merry Christmas"
For she cares not
about the holidays
809 · Feb 2011
Moon Mocks Me
Up in the sky
On the eve of garbage day
The crescent moon mocks me
Leering down from the sky
I try to shake off
The pounding in my head
wake up wake up wake up
Because the whispers don't help
They never do

The stars are melting
They're coming down
Too fast to count
And they're getting closer

Back at the hospital
The doctors worry
The patient's been out
For two weeks now
Screaming in her fitful sleep
whispering to herself
wake up wake up wake up
In her padded cell

Something sharp to take the edge off?
Ugly, she moaned
as her eyes cloud
and she looks in the mirror at
the horrible monster that isn't her
She sees it
I cannot
I see an angel with golden wings
sigh and preen again
but I long to tell her
You cannot tend to one who is already perfect
777 · Feb 2012
America
Wars and weapons
Dreams destroyed
Lives cut short
A-bombs, H-bombs, F-bombs dropped
And all around you bodies lie
Defeat is inevitable
Just depends what you're fighting for
You can't wage war to keep peace
You can't stand by and watch your home burn to the ground
Verbal assault runs rampant
And the dove with the olive branch
Was just brought down
By the weapons of mass destruction
We keep on our tongues
And in our hearts
772 · Mar 2016
Nil (seen at 9:03)
when she lays claim to you
(as only she can-
quickly, quietly, and through you)
she approaches me as an afterthought,
as if the damage done can be repaired
by this self satisfactory spewage,

as if the rising rage can be appeased
by convenient confession,

as if that would make me not want to knock the simpering smile from her ******* face,

as if.

looking at you is my least favorite game.
you smile and nod in my direction and i wonder if you can hear my chest cave in like a condemned house every time i hear you laugh.

was this expected? yes.
but it still aches nonetheless.
we were never best friends. but any closeness that she and i built over the last few years crumbled into ash the moment she told me "I liked him first. "
765 · Jan 2022
switch
my hand around your throat
makes you melt against me
good boy
i purr
switch

your hand around my throat
makes my eyes flutter closed
and my mouth drop open
you release me and i open my eyes again
switch

all it takes this time is a look
i see your pupils dilate
and you open yourself to me once more
switch

when you bite my lip i can't bite back my moans
switch

you raise your arms above your head
switch

i love you
switch
i love you
november 3, 2021
751 · Mar 2012
Camry
You once locked me up
And could not find the key
Now you've still got me trapped here
With chains you can't see
You're keeping me bound
I will never be free
As long as you're leaving
These handcuffs on me
736 · Sep 2012
Star Crossed, Snow Bound
Perhaps-
if one day I can believe the very words I write-
we may have been- dare I say?-
Lovers
In a past
Life
And the reason my heart
aches
when I see your face-hear your voice-dream of you-
is simply because
the feelings then are
confused
with the feelings now
But it could be-the far more likely
I am doomed-unrequited-
no matter where-or when-
we two meet
For you will always be standing
on a mountain-or at the top of the stairs-
that my legs will always be
too weak to scale
And the sun will always be in my eyes.
732 · Jan 2011
Venture to Blink
Remembering October
I stood in my suit
and borrowed tie
And the butterflies
Flourished in the evening chill
For they were eating me from the inside out
The building's broken backbeat
Was nothing compared
To that of my heart
I turned around and it turned backflips
For there you were
And I was afraid
I didn't want to blink
Because I thought I would wake up
But when I pinched myself
I knew
And I was that much more awake
728 · Feb 2022
citalopram
i hold a shaky palmful of death
noting that it is surprisingly light

i swallow reflexively
feeling shocks through my hand

i could just do it
i could just do it right now and it would all be over

why don't i do it

my body, fighting to survive
my brain, begging to die
and i am no man's land
719 · Dec 2010
Snow in Sepia Skies
The light dusting of snow
on the roofs
and on the leaves
of confused budding plants
lightly falling
through sepia skies
The otherworldly glow
of the final throes
of a dying sun
lights up this sleepy town
The village
that was soaked in gasoline
in the first place
spreads the blaze
to lands unknown
716 · Feb 2011
11:11
A week later
The pain remains
Even though I've taken down
Every drawing of you
712 · Nov 2010
Hero
You caught me
and pulled me out
of the abyss
breathed life into
my weary mind.
My eyes opened
and I saw you
my hero
and for the first time
in ages
I smiled.
709 · Mar 2014
Earth Shattering
My maps of the world are falling off the walls
And my vanilla scented candle is flickering out
Making bird shadows on my ceiling
And bat shadows on the floor
My bowl is empty
My core is rotting
The flowers are bursting into bloom
And the clouds just keep washing up against my prescription shore
Crashing up against the vitamin rocks
Eventually they'll wear down the doctor's dams
My hurricane girl will whirl around me and I'll drown
702 · May 2015
the movies
my mind spoils the innocence of holding you close in a cold movie theater
i am thankful for the darkness that protects you from the look that poured into my face when you touched me
my hands are clasped together and i'm glad you can't see them shaking
you've leaned your head on my shoulder and i'm hoping to god you can't feel my heart beating even from there
your fingers creep up my arm to bring me closer and my eyes flutter closed
and i pray that you didn't hear my breath catch in my throat
you've got to stop or i might just fall in love with you, my body whispers
are you warm enough?, my mouth says instead
684 · Apr 2014
immovable/unstoppable
I looked at you
And thought about my favorite movie

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

I looked at you

The light at the end of the tunnel
The break in the storm
The breath of air I wanted to coax from your lungs into mine so I could get high off you

And thought about my favorite movie

But time passed and I realized
You were the light at the end of the tunnel
A train
The break in the storm
The eye
The breath I wanted to coax from your lungs into mine so I could get high off you
Was toxic

So how do I forget thee?
Let me count the ways.
I forget thee when I inhale smoke
Push you out of my lungs to make room for green oblivion
I forget thee when I exhale hunger
Push you out of my heart to make room for orange growls
I forget thee when I inhale exhaustion
Push you out of my head to make room for blue pills
I forget thee when I exhale fire
Push you out of my throat to make room for grey death

And now I can't look at you
Because I'm afraid the next time you look into my eyes you'll see that I've cracked
That I can't understand
That I can't get you out of my eyes
668 · May 2015
the strive
there's a tremor whose fingers slide up my sternum when i'm with you
my heart stumbles in my cracked chest
out of the corner of my eye i see you swaying on saltwater sound
filling my lungs and stinging your throat with the dryness of almonds
the chord crests
you slip out of sight and i am seasick

there's a tremor whose fingers slide up my sternum when i'm with you
my heart stumbles in my taut throat
your right hand caresses chalices with the ghost of a graze
your left hand haunts your hair, denoting the declination of your neck

there's a void whose fingers walk down my back when i'm without you
my heart falls into my empty stomach
i am walking away with widowed dreams deemed deadly
you are walking away

there's a void whose fingers walk down my back when i'm without you
my heart falls into the chasm of my chest
sleep slips from my hands long after your silence
665 · Jun 2023
exercise in futility
a fly, bloated, buzzes
trapped between the window and the curtain

i hear it bump against the glass
the wings crumple
the fly falls
landing unceremoniously on the windowsill

after a moment, the fly is once again airborne
returning to the window
to continue its exercise in futility
663 · Nov 2010
Heart
This freak
this beast
this heart is caged
Its pulse does not belong to me
It wants to get out, to be free
Pounding at my chest
it wants to be close to you
and **** me in the process.
662 · May 2015
love, sick
i'm so ******* tired of writing about you

miserere mei deus

i'm sick of all these ******* dreams

secundum magnam misericordiam tuam

i'm fed up with the sleepless nights

et secundum multitudinem

the daylight hauntings

miserationum tuarum

the midnight ******* tears

dele iniquitatem meam




i hate that flutter in my gut that i only feel when i think of you

miserere mei deus

i hate that my heart rises in my throat only when i hear you laugh

secundum magnam misericordiam tuam

i hate that i love you

et secundum multitudinem

i hate that i love you

miserationum tuarum

i hate that i love you

*dele iniquitatem meam
660 · Apr 2015
descent
i can't stop thinking about the feel of your fingers on my ribs tonight
i wonder if you felt my heart beat faster
i wonder if you know what you do to me
what once swirled around in simple thought became complicated reality
unclear dreams made for foggy awakening
your warm body under my arm blurs all vision of the past and present
does this make me sick?
656 · Jan 2022
tongue
i am not fluent in the tongue of angels
it does not taste familiar in my mouth
it is not my first language, nor is it my second

i listen to it spoken, and i try to understand
occasionally a word i recognize slips through the wall of sound
and i grasp for more meaning

the native speakers have the patience of saints
they know learning a new language is difficult
they know being in a new place is strange

i stumble over worlds of words
not due to uneven pavement
but unfamiliar streets

two locals appear, one on either side of me
just as i am about to fall

they take my hands and steady me
and i learn another new phrase
i am building new neuropathways
the angels beam with pride
652 · Jan 2017
bay by day
waking caked in ash from a slowly crumbling world
i reach out
our hands touch
folding together neatly like they've always done
my chin fits comfortably in the curve of your neck
you turn over to face me and
your kiss drains the sadness of the night from my bones
the weight on my chest lifts as a tide drawing away
i search your eyes
and in the clear blue sky before me is only purity
only calm
seven months at sea and the wind is in our sails
649 · Jan 2011
Bad Good Things
Whenever I see you
I remember all the good things
And whatever it was we had
Every moment that made my life beautiful
Swirls around you as an aura
Though they seem like years ago

Where the memories once pleased me
They now torture me
Where my heart once leaped with joy at the thought of you
It now lurches in agony
Where once I couldn't concentrate from happiness
I now can't concentrate from pain

It's not your fault
I just realized today
How I feel
648 · Nov 2010
god overnight
Turned into a god overnight
the first command handed down by Me
is death
to all who were cruel to Me.
Emotionless, watching my enemies burn
I smile upon My handiwork
until I Myself begin to choke.
And as I pass out of this feeble existence
the end of My short reign
My final thought is
I hope you're happy.
I wish to reach for the white flag
To stop this bloodshed
This pointless never ending war
But as I reach for it
My arm is blown off

I look upon the ****** lump
With which I used to write
And wonder vaguely as to
Why the world
is so unfair

Through the haze of pain
I stumble to you
Eyes wild, delirious, but dry
Getting blood all over your clean uniform

And I whisper hoarsely in your ear
**Kiss it better?
She simply
wants me to
stay
asleep
stay
with her
In my dreams
forever
or at least
until
she's through with me
637 · Apr 2012
Eggs
With cries of
he is risen
and the broken necks bent skyward
and the chorus of the spring
and the empty gaze of millions
Friends lost to the flood
of a following
It isn't like me to hunger for death
It isn't like me to crave that release
The end
So sweet
Beckons me into
her warm embrace
And her gentle smile
Is familiar
She looks just like someone I know
And her gentle smile is welcoming
How I long for that beautiful
blissful
silence
No more troubles
No more pain
Nothing to fight ever again
Just her and me
Together forever
True love at last
And it's wonderful
631 · Oct 2013
looking back
It's been two years since the first burning
There are still scars to remember me by
And new ones to cover them up
I've been carved up like the pumpkins they had
Preparing for the season of spices
And masks
I wore no mask
My face was raw
From the fire I'd walked right into
It still shines from time to time
Glistening with effort, fear
And tears of despair
At night when the world goes quiet
My mind is loudest
All I've done wrong
Everything I've ****** up
Conversations I shouldn't have had
Words I shouldn't have said
I can't take them back
So die
So die
So sleep
Wake up and everything's okay again
Pop my ProZac
Step into the sun
Be strong
But for how long?
626 · Dec 2010
Whistle
The wind howls around
the house like
the storm of souls
in Dante's second circle
As the rain pounds the roof
threateningly
with fists of metal
And branches scratch
the windows as if
with claws
The heater groans
and the vent whistles
because
my cat's sitting on it
626 · Nov 2010
Winter
Winter is an icy goddess.
Her glacial beauty attracts
hot jealousy
from Summer.
Winter coldly ignores
the burning words
with a toss of
her blue hair
and a flash of her
pale eyes
yet she melts
when Spring
tugs on her dress and hands her
flowers.
613 · Jul 2012
Nyquil?
Scratching like a beast struggling to tear free
This sore throat of mine threatens to ****** me
Up until five I toss wide awake
A forced painful swallow with each breath I take

It seems never ending; I just want to sleep
Yet the itching-pain lets me do nothing but weep.

Suddenly just as I can bear no more
The demon in my throat bursts forth more than sore
I'm put out of my misery' lungs ripped in twain-
At least now I'll never have a sore throat again.
605 · Nov 2010
Untitled
She dances through the water
Her eyes are glowing bright
She truly is angelic
Her face a shining light
She tosses her hair behind her
With her there is no night
Her loveliness is killing me
A death I cannot fight.
603 · Aug 2013
Now
Now
You don't realize how important someone is
Until you can never hear his smile again
Until you can reach through the space he has left
In your chest
That emptiness
That's where he was
That's what you're missing
You don't understand how much you love someone
Until you can't tell him anymore
Until no matter how loudly you scream it
He just won't hear you
For tonight and tomorrow and forever
He sleeps peacefully
While you toss and turn in tears
Why
why
why
For Collin
599 · Dec 2010
Quest to the Waking World
Sleep clouds my mind
Words I have never spoken
At the tip of my tongue
I am exhausted
Yet I just woke up
Imaginary islands
Off in the distance
Begin to melt away
Colours blend together
Like thoughts heavy with fatigue
Echoing voices, barely whispers
Sound like the sirens
Of the dream police
And all the little god-children
Wave goodbye
As I sail away
To the Waking World
And as I near the horizon
The crew abandons ship
For they fear
What's on the edge
I refuse to look back
At the cowards
Instead I look
Dead ahead
I will not let them know
That I realize
The Waking World is full
Of nightmares
592 · Mar 2013
A Different Flame
I want to light a fire inside you
To stoke your flames
And make your body melt
I want to see your eyes ablaze
To feel the smoke
Rise off your body
I want you to beg me to
Satisfy this unbearable heat
I want to bring you to a boil
And breathe in the steam that you gasp out
I want to burn my fingers when I touch you
As I make your temperature soar higher
I want to scald my tongue when I taste you
And when you burn out beautifully
I want to cradle your glowing embers
And keep you warm
For next time
592 · Nov 2010
Free
Broken cages, a rush of joy
running until your lungs explode
The world and beyond is yours
massive expanses of nothing
and a little boat caught up in the storm
tossed by the waves of the wind
while the captain laughs and dances in the
rain.
588 · Nov 2010
Mirrors
Mirrors
are like little pools
through which your reflection swims
to greet you.
She gazes at you, matching the look
in your eyes
as you unknowingly play with her.
She knows she can't breathe
outside her silver void.
She knows you can't
see her world.
So she is content, following your movements
perfectly.
And when you leave her alone,
she moves away
hanging her head when she knows
you're not looking
at her.
587 · Feb 2015
blight (a sonnet)
my head groans and i am awake again
it takes an hour to open my eyes
just sitting up is way too ******* hard
the butterfly inside me crashes, dies
my mangled heart beats dully from its cage
more slowly than it ever has before
i think about the *** on the top shelf
but i'd have to unlock my bedroom door
i wouldn't trust myself to stand alone
or shuffle to the kitchen miles away
i hate myself for opening my mouth
i even hate myself for being gay

i thought i'd get used to a broken heart
but now it seems that i will fall apart
I never knew how hard it was to die
It's tougher than I thought it was
The end so close
and yet so far
and the more I want it the farther it gets
How much blood must I shed to reach that shore
the end of a sea of pain?
How far must I go to find the grave
and be happy?
How hard can it be
to achieve the last great indulgence?
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