Some days she is far above me
cumulus, billowing
complimenting the sky
as she drifts and changes
slowly
Shine one moment
Shadows next

Some days she can't be seen
or is distant and alone on the horizon
she shies from the Sun
but at night we watch the stars together

Some days
after the rains
when all the quiet things come out
and patter the forest floor with
hushed steps
when I am outside listening
and my head is like an empty bowl
she curls from me
rising, slipping out over the valley
embracing the hills
and running her fingers thru the trees
like so much tall grass
laughing

I breathe and she is my breath
filling my hallow
she is all I see

The first time we ever spoke,
I thought you were annoying.

I asked you what your favourite colour was.
You said
"White, because when thinking in terms of the light spectrum, it is the combination of all the colours. When you look at a white light, you are actually looking at colours that human eyes can't even process. You are looking right at them, and you can't see them, but they are still there."

I thought that was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard.

-
-
-

I was sent to a white palace when I found out what happened to you.
I searched for you in every windowless room.

-
-
-

Our romance was a
flash flood in the middle of a drought,
quenching my parched soil,
and then drowning all forms of life for miles around,
but it was over far too soon
and left me ravaged,
yet thirsty for more.

-
-
-

I took my new husband-to-be to the place where you and I met.
He didn't leave my side the entire time
and we listened to the music echoing around the mountains
while he said beautiful things that I would have died to hear you say
and he kissed me in front of everyone,
just like I used to dream that you would,
but you never did.



I realize now that you weren't my soul mate,
but believe me when I say that
I did love you.

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I still don't know what to think when I look back on it.
My open and paranoid mind
can never draw definite conclusions
as to what truly happened.
Reality is subjective.

All I know is that this world is much more quiet than it used to be without your constant chatter that I thought was annoying when we first met,
and the only closure I will ever get
is accepting that part of who I once was died with you,
but an even larger part of who you were lives on within me.

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-
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My favourite colour is white now.

I have loved you.

There is little here
in this sun-scaped city
to press a frown onto my face.
I feel free
I've lost ten pounds
my skin is smooth
I bought new fashionable clothes
and I laugh more than ever before,
and that is what people see,
will amber annex buster dani skyla rashid duane kiki chase adrianna
all these new people
who laugh at my funny name
only see this happy smiling girl
who is kind and quick to help
and make jokes
and dance
and offer advice
and yet despite the freedom I feel
it comes with equal parts guilt.
have I ever smiled so much before?
The me people meet now is so new to me
it feels like a lie
it's nice of you to ask me on a date
but how could I tell you the horrors of my past?
with all this smiling
you'd never believe the years of frowns and tears
no one would think to look for the lines where you can see my burn scars
they wouldn't look at my differently
when I trace old bruises
they don't think
to be careful when touching me
they don't have a clue
and it's all I've ever wanted
to have people think nothing is wrong
for me to be like the other girls,
but now that that's what people see,
my smiles though real
make me feel like I'm lying to everyone around me.

I must remain silent.  
As she sleeps on the floor of my room, surrounded by wet tissues.
I must remain silent.
Until she is ready to bring justice.
I must remain silent.
When my friend is ***** and is looking for refuge.
I must remain silent.
When the worst, most violent, horrendous, and personal crime is committed against someone I love.
I must remain silent.

I must remain silent.
Simply because:

She wants me to be.
And when someone you love has her wants disobeyed in the most gruesome way.
You must remain silent.
You must not tell the story that does not belong to you.

Relationship
You used to bring such longing for me.
Such hope.
Such solace that,
Once I obtained the contents of your letters,
I could be happy.
I could be complete.

relationship
What a different *relationship we have now.

relationship

GAH-     ****! Where did you come from??
I was just reading an article and there you were.
Sitting there.
Out of context of my constant thoughts, but I can't help but apply you.
I can't help but panic.

The word relationship. My new biggest fear.
The collection of the consonants and vowels that make up a vocalization for my soul anxieties.

Relationship
I cringe at thee.
Hours of pouring over videos, how-tos, books, guides, diy, people, you, me, him, her, them, we, us, future, communicate, self-love, expectations, desire, infidelity, falling in love, falling out of love, love, lust, true love, more self-love, thoughts, peace, gratitude, forever, temporary, fleeting, cheating, shame, truth, lies,
all in the ******* name of

Relationship

I could quit.

But how can you quit on someone
That is only eighteen years old
And has already based the foundation of their life on

you?

She sat in the artist's warehouse
listening to the quick drip drops of fresh rain
becoming polluted as they passed through rusted drains
and lightly onto ***-holed puddles filled with crushed cigarettes.
She let her warm breath
spool into the air and fill the silence,
she closed her eyes, smiled,
a private moment to recall
what made her smile,
what made her sit in the artist's warehouse writing poetry
rhymes about how light her heart felt,
how clean and fresh the air she breathed was,
how she couldn't keep herself from smiling
when she thought of him,
how he touched her,
looked at her,
how he breathed into her
an earth shattering exhileration
of posisbility, curiosity, fascination
and unexpected livlihood....
She opened her eyes
and caught her breath,
as she did every time
she thought of him
and how he made her feel.
She uncrossed her legs
threw back her head
and came one step closer
to understanding what it was
she wanted
for her heart.

I miss the challenge
Someone to take me on
I miss heat- not warmth
Heat.
I miss wit and snark and sharp
Maybe even some deceit.
I miss lust.
I miss the simpler uncertainty.
Of whether or not they'd love me.
I miss the butter and the flies and the challenge of someone who dared to challenge me.
I miss maturity. I miss a man who would always be older than me.
I miss the hand I couldn't see leading me to what was never meant to be.
I miss being right when I wasn't supposed to be. I miss him.
I miss the power.
I miss the struggle.
I miss being small, trying to be tall.
I miss proving the excellence of everything I did.
I miss the praise from the audience.
I miss the ability to choose.
The ability to lose.
I miss the crew that always knew I was the ****. Hit or miss.
I miss the fire and the unguilty ability to tell a faceless name "no".

But I can't anymore. Because he's good for me.
I have to say yes.