Hello.
I’m toxic.
you probably don’t want to know me
i hurt everyone I love.

Hello.
I have an eating disorder.
I skip meals.
I don’t love myself.

Hello.
I can’t let people in.
I’m scared of people knowing me.
So i hide away.

Hello.
I’m unconfident.
I need constant assurance.
Am I bothering you?

Hello.
I’m sad most of the time.
I’m not good at being happy.
Sorry I’m always down.

Hello.
How are you?

I have never been in love.
I thought I loved someone
but it turns out, I have to love myself before I can love someone else.
I cannot listen to him paint pictures of how beautiful he thinks I am
while contemplating skipping meals
he painted his love in swooping lovely strokes
pretty words filling in the white spaces
but every stroke
every word
the more the canvas was covered
the more empty I felt.
I couldn't listen or believe him
because I felt that would make me less pretty
I must be the shy vulnerable girl
that I believed every man wants
I couldn't see myself as beautiful
when I thought I loved him.

piece by piece
I’m repairing myself.
I’m learning to look in the mirror without turning away
I’m learning it is alright for me to attach beauty to my body.
I still skip meals
I still feel sad
but I am learning I am worth more
more than the words he assigned me
more than how I look.

I think I’m starting to love myself
the words kind and smart mean more than cute
maybe when I finally stop seeing food as failure
and the mirror as a monster
can I start to love someone else
because I
I have never been in love.

How could she do that to herself.
her collarbones almost popping out of her skin
because she is a skeleton already
her ribcage a tally of the meals she has skipped
one, two, three, four, too many to count
her hipbones protrude like shards of glass
shattered like her self esteem
thighs that no longer touch
calves miles apart
gaps on her body
gaps between meals

her head is a mixed up land
with broken mirrors all around
her friend ana reflected in the shards
she is so familiar with these eating habits they have a name
ana ana ana ana ana
runs through her brain
the calorie counter in her head runs
is an apple worth it anymore?
skip dinner
wake up thinner
pretty girls do not eat.

her body is brittle
she looks like she could break with a touch
but she is already broken inside
the fight is over
she knows it too
she is fading away.

how could i do this to myself.

Our world is corrupted
The people disrupted
Happiness interrupted

Walking down the street is a challenge
There’s pointing fingers,
There’s danger around every corner

Taught to assume everyone’s dangerous
Taught not to be alone at night
Taught to constantly be defensive
for it seems everyone has a gun these days.

Nothing can be said
Nothing can be worn
Without offending someone.

America the beautiful
America the afraid.
America, from sea to shining sea
America, pollution to destruction.
America, thy liberty in law
America, discrimination on the down low.

So many ads destroying self confidence
So many stereotypes for our kids to grow into
So quick to blame others for our problems
So quick to shame ourselves.

America, the beautiful.
Our world is corrupted.
The people, disrupted.
Happiness interrupted.