I'm trying too hard again
failed as a daughter, a friend
hard to exist without faith
so I resist all the shame I can reach

because nobody's watching
nobody can hear me speak
seven years and counting
still I crave something sweet

I don't mind
I learned to cry

swimming in fears once caged
corners of my soul unmade
and the light from the door
as I fell to the floor, guided me

because somebody's watching
somebody has to be
seven years and counting
I need someone to hear

I don't mind
just let me cry

It started again.
The feelings. The bleeding.
The indents in my skin.
The waiting. The staring.
At the clock to move an inch.
The wanting to hide under my desk. In a corner.
Under the sink.
In the dark. In the closet.
A place where I could think.
About anything but how
I'm still pretending.
It feels like a performance everyone bought tickets for.
Expecting greatness.
An unlimited audience.
A constant improvisation. No rehearsal.
Some rehearsal. But unnecessary.
Because I change direction based on reactions.
To make sure the audience stick around.
Come for another viewing.
I need them to like me.
To come back.
Otherwise the show ends.
And I can't have that.
Because I'm an attention-seeking, narcissistic *****.
Or the main character. Or both.
No matter how much I hate it, the show must go on.

i don't know anything
but i'm young
i have an excuse

you're older
you say you know better
but you know nothing
what's your excuse?

you say you know me better
but if you really did
then you'd never want to see me again

see, i don't know anything
because i'm young
so just excuse all of the above
i just told you my excuse

or so everyone says
when they justify what i do
what other young people do
then turn around and fault us for being young

i don't know if i like it
if i'm supposed to feel relieved or insulted
sometimes both

you see, there's the kind, comforting "you're young, you'll learn"

the exasperated, tired-of-you "oh my god, you're young"

the condescending, i-know-better-than-you "you're so young"

the i-wish-i-was-you, "i can't believe how young you are"

the unsolicited, let-me-give-you-some-advice "you're young right now"

and then the hesitant, i'm-not-qualified-for-this-and-i'm-bullshitting "you're young...you know..."

i might have missed some
let me know
i just know that ageism is a real plague to our society
it's time things change







Hahahaha I'm kidding. Maybe. Not really.

Call me young.
I am.
There's nothing I can do about it.
I'm going to stay young for as long as I am young.
What good comes out of growing up too fast?
So call me young.
Until I'm not.

I will use it as an excuse for as long as I can.