i find myself again
at the corner of
porcelain dreams
and pillowcase nightmares
blinking back tears like
***** flavored rain drops
thinking about you
and thinking about me
and thinking about us
and thinking about her
entering our world
with her hurricane eyes
blowing apart the home we built
inside each other’s hearts
the insurance company
denied our claim because
the home was built
on a week foundation
i’m running now
through fluorescent galleries
filled with our ultraviolet memories
but the ceiling is riddled with cracks
and every time i end up stuck in a room
with all our masterpieces burnt to ashes
you used to trace
the lines on my palm
like the words
of your favorite book
but the endings the same every time
she painted a prettier picture
of high definition sunsets
with her paintbrush eyelashes
i keep dreaming
one day you stop running
one day those cough syrup lungs
drain
and you remember
why the stories i told
were the soundtrack to
your cosmic life
but you don’t
you never do

i want to help you
but i don't know how

getting lost in towns
i regularly find
myself in.
looking.

for the way the earth stands still
when i am with the people i love.
looking.
for myself in old library books
about the government and God. "Americans... are forever searching for love in forms it never takes, in places it can never be. It must have something to do with the vanished frontier." I am forever searching.
I am forever looking.
i am the vanished frontier.

these are regular routines
of an irregular human
with ambitions
who can barely get on their tippie  toes
to touch them.
there is love in me
and it is in forms
you all can barely fathom.

all i want for christmas is my happiness
to not crave death when i get out of bed every morning
to not be disgusted at my own reflection
i want to learn to love
to love myself and others.
i want to be okay.

Last night I leaned on the back of my car and cried because change is hard. Life can so easily throw you a curve ball, it gives you something great then takes it away faster than you can blink. My eyes burned from the tears like my lungs burned from a long drag of a cigarette
I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that at this time a few nights ago I was dancing with my best friends around a fire, but tonight I’m alone on a strangers couch. Trying to make since of it all is so exhausting. I’m still trying to figure out if I left my heart in all the empty bottles or if it’s somewhere in his bed from all the nights I spent with him.
I know I’ll find it somewhere but I think I’m searching for it in all the wrong places
I cried in the back seat of a boy’s car because I begged him to stop but the alcohol must have drowned his senses because the pain of my body becoming something meaningless again was a cry that he couldn’t hear. He asked me why I was crying and all I could say “nothing matters anymore”
He felt terrible, he apologized profusely and i watched as his crystal blue eyes glazed over with regret because of what he had done
even though his sorry’s were as sincere as could be I still felt a sting when he kissed me goodnight
I wish I could close my eyes and open them in San Francisco because maybe if I was on the other side of the country I wouldn’t have to see all the things that make me want to melt into a puddle of ice cold water
People always ask me “where is home?” I believe that home is in ourselves, our fireplaces in our rib cage and our bedrooms in our skulls, but right now I’m not even sure if I can call my own body home.