Hurt me,
Make me cry,
Scream in my face,
Make me wish i didnt know you,
Do all of the things that i think a relationship should be.


You don't do that though.
You love me,
Support me,
Cry with me when im sad,
You listen,
You take care of me,
You can hurt me. No matter how hard you try.

I had a plan that at age twenty five i would end it all.

I had a plan that at age 25 i would take my life.

I had a plan that one day i wouldn't be here anymore.

I had a plan that one day i wouldn't exist.

I have a plan to live my life out.

I have a plan to love.

I have a plan to care.

I have a plan to dream.

I have a plan to soar.

One day i'll reach the end,
Right now is not the time.

Vividly pale sunsets,
Houses lined up in a row,
The wind howls on the beach,
The pacific northwest,
My home,
The tide rising and lowering,
The smell of a campfire that once burned so bright,
Smoke still in the air,

Pastel sunrises that I'll never forget.
I miss this.

I fell,
I crashed,
I cried,
I laughed,
I broke out,
I watched my world crash,
I felt love,
I felt heartbreak,
I danced,
I screamed,
I made friends,
I lost friends,
I felt something.

I'll fly high,
I'll soar,
I'll feel it in my soul,
I'll love,
I'll dance,
I'll feel fingers trace my sun soaked skin,
I'll feel lips on mine,
I'll thrive in darkness,
I'll thrive under pastel lights,
I'll celebrate,
I'll live,
I'll finally find happiness in what I value the most.

When I'm up, I'm up.
I feel deeper,
I see brighter,
I hear things I've never heard before.
I smell things I've never smelled before.
I taste new things, new people.
When I'm up, I feel like I'm in a dark club under neon lights dancing my heart out to the best song I've never heard,

But

When I'm down, I'm really down.
The club is pitch black and there is a deep drone playing over the speakers. No one is laughing. No one is screaming. No one is singing.

Everyone is staring.
I see nothing.
I feel nothing.
I can't taste anymore.
I can't smell.
I especially can't hear what I've heard before.

I wait hours, days, months to watch those neon lights reflect off of glitter covered skin again,

But

It only lasts a moment.