What’s it called when someone doesn’t want to get better? When they don’t necessarily want to get worse, but they also don’t want to better. Scratch that. Maybe they do want to get worse. Maybe they deserve to get worse. Maybe they deserve all this pain. I deserve all this pain. I am not good. I am not kind. I am not strong. I am everything but. I am a body built on anger and shame. My hands hold on more tightly to this sadness than the love of my life. And I can’t bring myself to let go. It feels like the tighter I hold onto this feeling the farther away you get and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I can’t stop hurting the people I love. I can’t stop hurting you. And maybe it’s because there are days when I wake up and I don’t feel anything unless I’m hurting you. And I need you to hurt because I need to feel something. I NEED YOU TO MAKE ME FEEL AGAIN. And I know that’s too much to ask of you. I am too much to ask of you. What kind of person wants the one they love to hurt? What kind of person makes other people suffer? What kind of person tells someone they don’t love them anymore? Why would I tell you I don’t love you, when you’re the brightest thing in my life? Why do I need you to hurt to make me feel better? What is wrong with me? There is a monster living in my brain and sometimes I can’t keep it quiet. I promise it’s not me. But sometimes I can’t tell the difference between the thoughts in my head and the truth. I feel like a stranger in my own skin and you are not safe here with me. YOU ARE NOT SAFE. I cannot promise you love and beauty and kindness and joy. I cannot promise that I will wake up everyday and kiss the sunrise good morning. I cannot promise that I will be calm. I am full of natural disasters and chaos. This body holds a ******* storm and I don’t know how to protect you from it. This body is not beautiful, this heart is not kind, this soul is not gentle. I am not gentle. I’m sorry I can’t love you the way you deserve but god made my body into a palace, and the monster in me turned it into a temple where love goes to die.

sometimes it feels as though 
my hearts been replaced 
with the emptiness
of a widow’s arms
like one day 
it went off and never came back 
leaving a hole in my chest 
where you’re supposed to be
and
sometimes it feels like
theres a cage where my ribs should be
trapping every bad memory 
every bad thought 
every ******* word you’ve ever said 
inside 
and i'm not sure
what to do 
i don't want them anymore 
i don't want these memories
all they do is hurt and 
memories aren't supposed to hurt
you weren't supposed to hurt me
why did you hurt me?
this emptiness inside my chest
is starting to get heavy 
and i'm not sure
how much longer i can hold it 

i am going to break 

oh god 

you're going to break me

Do you remember the night you never came back?
When you gave yourself to someone who didn’t deserve you?
And by gave, I mean he took
He took and he took and he took
Until there was no more you to take 
And just like that you are empty 
No one wants a girl who’s got nothing to give 
You have to have learned by now that giving and taking are not the same thing 
Just because you love him
Does not make it giving 
He is taking everything that you are
And he is destroying it
STOP LETTING HIM TOUCH YOU
You’re too young to give him what he’s taking 
And now it’s gone, you can’t get it back
You are no longer special 
You’re going to be washing him out of your skin forever 
But jokes on you 
**** doesn’t wash off 

I’m still trying to wash you off of me

Can I give back this life?
I don’t want it anymore
or maybe it doesn’t want me 
I can never tell 
if I am too much 
or too little
All I know is 
I am never in between
and maybe that’s why 
nobody stays
This body holds a tornado 
and it destroys everything 
it touches 
Matches always burn the brightest
before they burn out
and maybe that’s why 
I’ve been told my smile 
is so bright

it walks beside me. but there is only one shadow.
 my friends can’t see it and my family says it doesn’t exist.
 sometimes i’m not sure it’s there. but then i see it. 
it ties me to my bed and stares at me while i toss and turn.
 it haunts my dreams and pulls on my steering wheel.
 it holds my head straight when i try to cross the road. and 
it always picks out the sharpest tool in the shed.
 we spend a lot of time together.
sometimes it brings friends. their hands feel like fists.
 they tell me not to eat. they tell me that you’re hurting me. they tell me about my memories as if my body was an iceberg and my life was the titanic. 
they tell me i was born a trauma. 
sometimes it wants alone time. one on one. 
in a dark room. just us two. and some shiny metal.
but when the sun rises and the earth is covered in yellow. our favourite place to go is the bridge.
 i like the view. 
it likes the height.

You can't talk about long distance relationships until
the only way you can hear his voice, is through the voice mail he made
6 months ago

You can't talk about long distance relationships until
you can no longer feel his arms around you

You can't talk about long distance relationships until
you forget the colour of his eyes
and the shape of his jaw

You can't talk about long distance relationships until
the faded memory of his laugh breaks your heart
because you can no longer hear it

You can't talk about long distance relationships until
you say I love you to him
and his grave says nothing back

You can't talk about long distance relationships until
you're in love with a boy
*six feet under

Either you never loved me, or you got worse at at pretending you did

I loved the way you'd smile
It could light up the whole town
Although I haven't seen it in quite awhile

I loved the way you'd laugh
It was so happy, so true
But I didn't know what you put yourself through

I loved the colour of your faded blue eyes
They seemed to make the world disappear
Little did I know you didn't want to be here

I loved the way you'd hold my hand
When I was feeling low
But I didn't know you'd soon let go

I loved the sound of your voice
When you called me late at night
But I didn't know you would soon end your fight

I loved the way your eyes lit up
When you heard your favouite song
You haven't listened to it in so long

I loved the way you'd write down all your feelings
In the journal under your bed
Did all those thoughts really go through your head?

I loved the way I thought I knew you
We were supposed to best friends
Why would you let that end?
But
I didn't love how you faked your smile and your laughter was always forced

I didn't love how your cheeks were stained with tears and gaining weight became your biggest fear

I didn't love the fact that you stopped eating and never left your room

I didn't love how your eyes seemed sad and the fact that nobody knew

I didn't love how you marked up your wrist with a knife and a blade and the last choice that you made

I didn't love how you never got help, because you said you couldn't be saved

I didn't love how you left me, I thought you would stay

I didn't love the words you wrote on the day you said goodbye and the fact that you always cried

I didn't love the fact that you didn't answer my calls that afternoon

I didn't love how I found you with a gun to your head

I didn't love how I was too late, you were already dead

-Becca Harris

I lost myself in the ways that I tried to love you
& I lost myself in the ways that I tried to make you love me

I lost myself through bruised knuckles
& blood-stained wrists

I lost myself that time, at your friend’s house, when I said no,
& you didn’t listen

I lost myself in our endless fights
& how you always made me feel like it was my fault

I lost myself the night you grabbed me in the arena
& left “your mark” for two weeks

I found myself the day we said goodbye
& it felt like I could breathe again

I found myself when then the scars started to fade
& the bruises disappeared

I found myself when your words no longer haunted me
& the thought of you didn’t break my heart anymore

I found myself when I stopped thinking about you
& started thinking about myself