tell me why your eyes are closed again
your hands are tied, you can't listen
your words and all the time you spent
your "soft and sweet," your "innocent"

they call you madness luring in
deception's home that never ends
a sleeping devil, angel's friend
the one whose evil lurks within

your sainthood is a counterfeit
you mimic gods and envy them
like stone you never break or bend -
you are regret, you are my sin.
-aprilxcv

It's 1pm, she's smiling. I've closed my eyes too many times just from the times she's hurt me--
she never said it'd be alright and now my mind still worries.
She's like another twisting hurricane that I should've known better than to get into,
but now the roads are blocked and the sirens stopped and I'm standing inside the walls I built inside my heart.
She's somewhere on the outside, knocking just to hear one more "I'm sorry,"
trying to get inside or just disarm me.

I spent my days through endless nights just trying to strengthen these walls of mine--
from enemy, from predator, from girl. But as her voice echoes through my veins,
I forget all the things she always says.
I forget myself, my sense, my name.

My walls have cracked - my defense falls -
what looked like stone was another glass house surrounding my pulse
as it beats through every break, every trial and last mistake,
she says she loves me but makes me wait - I'll never feel this way again.
-aprilxcv

met a girl
who tried save the world
and made me need a savior of my own.
says i remind her of someone
she's never met,
yet still knows just the same.
says she's looking for a girl who
loves her darkness and her pain.

and we smoke cigarettes in her car
while the indie music that she loves
plays to the only two people
who will ever listen
and both of us still mean it
when we say we'll never leave
until the night ends
and she's no longer caught up in me.
and her laugh reminds me of a sun
that never comes
and she calls me "dear,"
but it's not enough--
still inside the rush of another love
and the things that she expects:
that the one girl who hurt her
is more perfect than the rest.

and i thought
'i think this could be something -
she holds my hand just right,'
and I am a fool
because I believed her
when she lied.
-aprilxcv

she's endless rain, my hurricane
rustling thoughts and a small-built frame
tearing walls from every heart, house, fence
for enemies and half-made friends

it doesn't take her much to bend
the fragments of my mind, but then
she'll pick them up and play pretend
as if it wasn't me she's in

our carousel, through valleys, hills
a journey with no shoes to fill
she'll take me where she wants to be
whether or not it's good for me

this wandering, this aching love
it makes me feel good and bad enough
and i wouldn't want it any other way
she kills me but i want to stay
-aprilxcv

lover calls, lover waits
my lover is without a name
she's tuesday nights, she's southern rain
she's everything my mind won't say
her laugh is loud, her soul is dark
still screeching from a broken heart
and day old jokes, and weekend loves
from just always being bad enough

she'll ask me one more time
just for the sake of love
whether my heart is still open
or if i've had enough
and if i had to guess,
if she asks tonight, i'll say
"i love you cause you know my name"
-aprilxcv

Open letter, truth or dare
A secret I can't stand to share
This letter will make you upset
but so did all the times when you'd forget
my presence or my birthday -
one happens every day,
and the other's once a year
so the least you could have done
is say "happy birthday," "you look great"
once a year, and once a day
You won't care now and it's too late
But you had to know since you won't stay.

She is somewhere in California
complaining of the heat
and reading letters from her past loves
and the girls she used to see.
And every once in awhile,
I wonder if one's from me--
if she ever sees that postcard
that I sent on March 19th
-aprilxcv

release me
i am shaking with broken wings just beneath the rafters of your home
shifting shapes and twisting arms to find a basement in my bones
stuck in boxes with no top to hold the mess that i've become
another scar, a second lover or tale that's just begun
and this is how it will begin: your mess will fill my broken ends,
our stories start the same, my friend - we suffer for our own commends.

i didn't want to freak you out, but i have to say:
everyone you love will tear you down
and before you know it, you will hardly remain--two empty cigarette boxes and a well-worn frown.
-aprilxcv

my love, i am here
on the other side of the radio
chasing daydreams of your ghost
in the quiet place we used to know.

empty with or without you
drifting through our yesterdays
the vacancy you left still haunts me
and you’ve left me lost in space
my sun, moon, stars - perfect getaway
until your sunlight turned to darkness
and you called me your mistake

with your space in my bed empty
and your words still in my head
i’d give our “us” my last breath,
not to taste the bittersweet of your regret

i’ve done my best to let it go
to write it off or keep you close,
but i still feel you in my bones;
haunted by your missing ghost
and the nights we spent out all alone
in the quiet place we used to know.