up and down
loving you
to hating you
in a matter of seconds
im the car crash
after a joyride
i wish people
would stop staring

i wanted you i wanted you i wanted you

you wouldn't have been able
to handle me anyway
i can hardly handle me
anyway.

ill drink some cough syrup
go **** someone that doesn't give a ****
take some adderall to get through work tomorrow

i don't want to be like this anymore

Written September 29, 2015
"She reeks of cigarettes and ***
Her mind is consumed by how the last 3 hours even came to be what they were
You see no two friends can have *** without one falling for another..
And the chosen one in this scenario was her
She always thought he was something
The way his eyes lit up when he smiled at her jokes, the ease he had when he held his cigarette in his hand
And the way he talked about her
Jokes and flirtation hung in the clouds above them, circulating around and each time like lightening the question struck her
"Is he serious?"
Nothing quite stirred the storm like the first night they ******
You see two friends aren't meant to casually hook up
The way he kissed her lips the way he dug his hand so deeply and so passionately behind her back holding a grip on her like he was never going to let go
And the deep conversations that followed made her all the more comfortable around him
Yet, one child should not fall for another
So she leaves, reflecting back realizing it was one of the best nights she's ever had
Yet two friends shouldn't hook up
And she's in denial that this will continue and she soon will further gain her feelings
For him"

I'm not your girlfriend.
Don't kiss me on the forehead,
don't hold my hand.
Don't gently stroke my hair-
just ******* pull it.

"All anyone here cares about
is drugs, ***, and alcohol,"
you said,
insinuating that I'm any different.

I don't want your hoodie,
or your bracelet.
I don't wanna spend the night.

I want 2am "you up?" texts,
giving head in the bathroom,
popping adderall and going all night.

I don't want you to love me,
I just want you to **** me.

You're too nice for me,
and I never liked gentlemen anyway.

This is a poem for nobody’s eyes
About my students
my flowering black and brown baby girls
more bud than human, saying all singsong how
black is ugly ugly ugly
holding their arms up to
one another, comparing hues
About the instant I realized
I loved women too
and sagged hard against my bedroom door while
dread and hope danced a strange dance
in the pit of my gut
About the college kids I see in class everyday
popping Aspirin and Xanax and the pill
with their headphones and angry publicness and
******* ******* **** this
and notebooks and pens and
soft privateness and
I love you I need you I need you
About the boy I couldn’t speak to for years
without feeling sick or small or unrequited
About Audre, Toni, and Maya teaching me
how to start revolutions with a word
About how I dream again and again
of kissing the girl I am in love with
and sometimes
we are the in the dark and sometimes
we are laughing and sometimes
I am moving breathless
into the room saying
I have never loved you more than I do at this moment
and lips are on lips are on lips
About how I can’t look at this one
pink nightgown because I was wearing it
when my father said he was cheating and
too many tears fell on those
tiny satin cherries
About Holden Caufield and that
******* merry-go-round
About a crazy, unquiet and
utterly illuminated self
Me, spoken yet unspoken

You're riding in a car
with a strange boy.
His hands are on the wheel
while yours are shaking.

You're driving through time
with your heart right next to you.
His eyes are the bluest blue
and they mirror your thoughts.

You're sleeping with eyes wide-open;
your dreams become reality.
His hair halos in the sun; makes you wonder
what could possibly come from this.

I was driving in a car with a strange boy;
with my heart by my side;
in a sleepless dream;
wondering what could be,
but it was clear
that you were not made for me.

I feel my flesh move rivers
Staring down the clammy skin on my stomach
Looking into the face of a stranger
Body count?
Maybe four
I don't remember exactly
I put my legs up and let his body move like clockwork
It is the easiest position for me to detach
As far as I know, I keep watching the same movie
Man, in front of me
Man, ****** on
Man, inside of me
That is the moment I close my eyes
And stop watching.
That is the moment my PTSD tells me
I am not in control anymore
That is the moment I hold my breath
Dig my nails into his wrist
His throat
His eyes
So he will stop looking at me like that
So the world will stop looking at me like that
Sleeping with guys whose names you cannot remember
Makes you a **** these days
But blacking out does not always come from drinking.
He gets off
And rolls you to the bed of grass next door
He says
"That was fun."
You say
"Until next time."
And walk into the future
Onto the next one
Nameless, faceless
Leaving you
Naked, alone.