hiding inside the darkness
peering out into the light
only to find
that my soul hates the bright--
too much to comprehend
too much to grasp
the dark seems safer for me
and I keep wanting just to clasp
its safety and its comfort
for darkness brings only quiet
and light brings all the sound
'make it stop!', my inner voice screams
as I fall in a heap onto the cold, hard ground...

Just because you can’t hear me doesn’t mean I’m not there.
Every moment is a waking nightmare
Of anxiety and all I see’s a dangerous path that leads to apathy.
Just because I’m still kicking and breathing and fighting
Doesn’t mean that I’m not struggling
Doesn’t mean that I’m not juggling every single task
With kicking, breathing, and fighting just to stay afloat.
Just to keep from drowning.
Just to keep from shaking and crying and breaking and dying and
Screaming out to the world

I am not okay!

And you know what that’s okay.
Because I don’t have to be okay every single day just to be able to say
Everything is fine.
Everything is not fine.
And when the world comes crashing down around you
And you feel like you’re about to burst because of all the emotions that you aren’t feeling
And when the world starts reeling and spinning under your feet
And you feel like you’re sinning because you don’t feel complete,
Take a moment

To breathe.

Because no matter what you believe
One day you will feel again
You’ll feel the sun on your face, a loved one’s embrace and then
You’ll finally feel
alive.

Sometimes words speak themselves
Sometimes hands move on their own
Sometimes, just sometimes, ideas leap to life
And they do it all alone

That’s the magic of a muse
When the world is colors and words
And not clouds and rainy days
But sunshine and happy little birds

And you sing write me write me
Well okay if you insist
But if you insist so vehemently
I must insist on this

Let me write you as I write you
Please, do not complain
For while muse may not come easy
Success is even harder to obtain

Not every word is perfect
In fact, most are not
But please do not begrudge me
It may be harder than you thought

To take your inspiration
And turn it into gold…
Don’t worry, I’ll be quiet now
And do as I am told

It kills me to think of your innocence
In how you loved everything
In your belief that everyone was good
Then I barged into your life
Ruined you in ways unimaginable
I swear I loved you but I couldn't show it
I tried to tell you I was broken
But this pride wouldn't allow me

I can't apologize and I can't console you
I restrain myself from trying to see you
You'll move on and everything will be okay
The memory of me will be nothing more
Then a blemish on your perfect skin
My perfume will no longer intoxicate you
It'll blend with your scent and attract everyone
You'll find someone deserving of your love

I will cover every part of my body in shame
Hiding the scars left by your loving touch
Strands of my hair that twirled on your finger
Grey every day losing their pigment
I can smell you everywhere I go
Like a stain that set and cannot be removed
Your whispers of promises and happiness
Are now haunting voices driving me insane

I'll continue to be made of rotting material
With a memory of love I never deserved
You'll be this glorious human being
Who realized never to settle for the worst