the verbal conversation is low
but they’ll like it better
if you type it

increase the vibe
with a new visual
to hype it
so i can project something digital

be sure to add a filter
and then take a selfie
for my thousands of “friends”
so they can harness my insecurities

credit my edits
to internet ideologies
but can a website
give you an apology

block you
from society
or let you join their
group on one strict policy

take out the truth
stake straight fake fallacies
un truth the truth
renew the news

fit the mold
for for their categories
tweet the twisted facts

so now
can someone
please follow me.

no one said it was easy
you create the path
spread the base on
it’s foundation
you lay the map

it’s the grapes of wrath
life got a ghastly grasp
seasoned in your present
like your soul is wrapped

i pack the first for last
i muled some dimes and sacks
intricate in so much evil like
they like their snacks

i’m sober now
so that’s all in the past
but i slaved for many years
i broke its back

sedated lids
sealed like permanent naps
but awake with rage
anxiety pulsating heart attacks

snaps for the poetry that
kept me from going mad
claps for the music
that kept me from crying over dad

i work and slave just
to pay the tax
i try to keep one face on
so i can ditch the mask

i haven’t written in a while
i thought i lost my raps
but i guess some things
in life just always last

today

I sat very still

the kind where you can almost hear the silence. I could feel my heart alive in my chest. beating.

walk on. walk on. walk on.

it wasn’t easy
I had to crawl to get here.

a lot of time spent tip toeing
through easily depressing situations

I don’t do well with emotional upsets
slit wrists
like please don’t hurt me
palms curled to a fist

but I couldn’t seem to
escape
his body weight

some things you just can’t
undo

unlike a knot tied
and pulled tightly
straight like a line
testing for sobriety

I AM NOT
linear

but you are

just like how you
think the past
shouldn’t
bother
me

and how recovery
should be me
getting over
it all

can you really call
yourself a professional
if you have never
walked the line?

so.

please- try mine.

not many people like you
because you’re the type to
crawl
not in the literal sense
but in how long it
took to overcome withdrawal

see a lot of people have it
figured out
everyone’s sized you up
they want to seize you
trap you
inside a tiny plastic cup

some people like the way you look
others are afraid
beauty in your many behaviors
many faces
many legs

it’s incredible how intricate
you weave and toil lies
sinful in the way you look
all masked with butterflies

you have this thing you do
you spin them in all directions
then wrap them tightly
as a product of perfection

stressing over
pulling all the lines in time
since no one hates a spider more
than one they cannot find

I'm empty
hollowed out inside
I feel absent
never present
in my mind

there is a fullness
like the moon
that I intend my
life to be

into the depths
of whom I am

I wonder if
empty will all
I'll be

fill me up
just one more shot
something to dull
the hurt

when the hurt becomes
worse
I question my
self worth

pain and suffering
add up to make
me wholesome

and much fuller
I will be
when I relentlessly try
to fill up
my forever
half empty.

i wanted to tell everyone all
the beautiful things
i loved about you

all the things
we know makes you
steal my breath away

i wanted to spread
love and
warm embraces

as if i were using
passion to paint
over everyone's imperfections

like my world
was a canvas
and the love
were my shades and hues

that i could help
you to love yourself
more

and for all of them
to love others
this way too

to think
that maybe
this kind of love
could help everyone

to see more
types of beautiful in
themselves

my strategy,
for this life or the next;
is that the only thing
I'll ever need
is the solace
of my own
sweet solitude.

perhaps life is
sharing more information with me
about this sensation
than what was done
before with that "physical"
kind of
love// language

words are not necessary
when understanding the
feeling of vibrations
in which are
brought upon me

both intuitively//
and instinctively//

this feeling is//
love.

the same feeling I was
taken out of
that is now inviting me back in//

sometimes I wonder what it will be like
if I see another day
I wonder if this will be the last thing I say

and by the way nothing turns out
how it's planned to be

and sometimes I'm just out doin my thing
tryin to be the best version of me
even the memories raise issues I tried to shed
got too many issues trapped up inside my head

what pride and humility just might do
what praise the phase of bruises black and blue
how's the self abusiveness?
how the tired toiling in uselessness

no, I'm not impressed with the work I've done
his shadow follows me even when I tried to run

some things never turn out how
they supposed to be
I guess the only one
I can change is me

one by one I count the pills inside my hand
ones for the hurt I give myself
and one is from that man

I feel a choke in the hold
the way he used to grab for the gold
silly putty organs
and flesh that molds

molds to the palms
molds to the fist
molds to the tears
molds each time he hits

cold confusion
swept up into the night
I say I'm sorry
but i know it's just a sorry night

somethings don't turn out how they
supposed to be
I guess the only one
I can change is me

self worth is weighed
by the gram
0.5 for me
and a pound for the man

heavy sedation
it's crazy what you remember
while wake walking in a dream state
apologies for the bad dreams
and hide the good ones to escape

burn baby burn
his love looks like fire
it isn't passion
it isn't lust
it's nothing to admire

3rd degree emotional burns
the each skin is sensitive
so **** whatever's heard

the man might say
it doesn't bother me
it's only that it's haunting me
I wish he would change
but only I can set me free

in many ways-
he's just like you...
but it doesn't make me miss you
any less.

there was an idea I thought up
originated in my esophagus
so I coughed it up
and out came something awful
information that made a mouthful
they like to say I mess with the wrong stuff
but nah I've been messin with the right ****
yeah // I ****** like it

I used to want a fancy funeral
but now I lost hope
and gave it up

waiting felt exciting
but dying once
was not enough

So I promised myself,
never again.

   But here we are...

today I felt more like myself
than usual

thinking outside of the box
I felt myself take a chance

I play the tape in my head
"just breathe"
in and out
my breath holds steady

so I felt more like myself
than I do usually

thinking outside the box
where there is no tape
necessary

so- what you running from?
nah- those cats on the corner they
"hella" dumb

ok, lets slow down
you not prepared to hit the ground
don't let the beast run its mouth
when I moved west to east town

I used to cry out why
because unlike sunny skies
I could never open my eyes
everyone I know would die

if I opened my mouth
out would come lies

only used to snorting synthetic white
**** faced used to crashin at night
the outspoken type
who's a lost pathetic dreamer
the poetic artistic type, a day dweller

caught in "coffins" in between ya
I'm coughing emphysema
sky scrapers in between
with no one knowing Andre Nickatina

I trace icy window sills with ashy fingertips
surpassed by the New York hustle
but only by minutes

I do this for *** heads
and kids I kicked it with as a teen
and insomniacs who still
raises the lid to catch sleep

and without it?
yeah I'm crazy and you mental too
I rock spiritual without a break to breathe
stop or interval

I'm from the state
where sunshine will never stop
and transferred to the state
which perfected the "rock"
where liberals stand
and conservatives call themselves the man

I don't want to
but I'm willed though
the city's filled with every skin tone

if I ever dream I think
I'll try and let it slip
and let my fingertips
trickle till I catch it

it's like how can I start fresh
if I can't erase
hating everything I seem to create
stray to think different
but my soul is caged
hidden under floorboards
are the ideas I make

but I feel calm and at home
in the darkness
feeling cold and lethargic
but creating art
with my fingertips
alone with the hopes and the gods
I illustrate pain
in slow and graceful strokes

tirelessly knitting an infinity scarf
cooped up in a small room
with my mouth sewn shut
I lyrically piece together scraps of
the thoughts inside my head
to write an unauthorized version
of me instead

working steady without pause
till the ink dries up
words spilling out truths
of my purest disgust

I am the artist whose painting
to begin with was fake
I am the unrooted vine that grew
despite its wilted fate

I closed my eyes to stop the sun
from seeping in
my head spins like the hand
that rides the spiral till it ends

I hope someday to love again
could it be that we're both lost
we need to be found
before we hit the ground

in between the holes
and empty spaces
so there's me and I'm drifting
tryin' to fill in those extra places

it seems so simple
inside the walls I've built
inside my head
exits winding complex and all
the lines can bend

the photo album of our time together
is filled with under exposed prints
and negatives
then I hang them up to dry

tried to stop the endless bleeding
I closed my eyes to stop my heart
from beating
like maybe you would come back to me
if I stopped breathing...

from the look
on you're face
just guessin you've
been addicted to hate.

cause you
didnt understand
the gravity.
the weight.

makin the darkness
a deeper shade
grey matter driftin
through the brain

manifesting deception
sin sampled
with evil its
simple and plain

doesn't matter
how you hold it
twist it, leash it
make it or ignore it

who's gonna be
the bare witness for
every important series
of events you experienced

the come up
is what we live for
and the come down
is when we die

so I try to breathe
try to sleep
try to close my eyes
I simply try to try

so why can't being alive
mirror what I wish
was the perfect high?

he's a dreamer
she's both but definitely more
of a wake walker

certainly a dreamer cause
he flies in his dreams
high above the
cities sky line and ozone

she's got to be wake now
it's day time it's the rising
of her eyes to reflect her
consistent self revolution

it's taken some planning but
she wants to show she isn't useless
that this has all been worth it

yet she might just settle
for becoming a practical artist
in the way she piece
together her own constitution

it's the illusion everyday
that she's falling in love
and has something
she calls her nothing

it is the emptiness for the whole
the mindless doubt of not believing
it is possible we are wrong
with so much
power to be righteous

because it is not a rage toward the 1%
or hatred toward the 99 ...

it really is
so much deeper
than a fraction
of a inproportionate sum ...

when the dragonflies escape
the sensation of being swept up
in kite sailing within and without
riveting curvatures
of wind breaks

there's nothing like catching
the breeze so proposing this
please sweet universe,
I ask of thee

let the dragonflies free.

when the dragonflies escape
you will embrace it
in every fiber of your being
with even

electricity flowing
up to the fingertips

you cannot shake this feeling
like the beating of fragile wings
poise and power
strokes the air so carefully calculated

I hope the both of us make it
to a safer existence where there is
virtue and inner peace then

why can't you
just release them

when we again understood
after such a long time
that we were already
free

already free to
begin with.

you. are memories presenting themselves as tightly confined spaces

you. and your mind embodies an image of a locked file cabinet

you. are loaded with information and details

two decades continually growing
those of stories and shallowed secrets

about
you.

you. who dreams of endless emotions that refrain to consume

you. who longs for endless laughter paired with authenticity

yet for you.
you. and your happiness,
whether blooming
by el soleil or la lune

then suddenly something
changes
you. are a microscopic dot
on a worldly globe

the earth makes
space for you.
the universe makes
just enough room,

-for you.

I was happy with that life
time being
but you changed up

started chillen on a different block
you were differently treated with
different clothes
new chain and slang talk

cigarettes lips to fit in//
carcinogen lungs
to impress them with the tar black esophagus compressed in your chest cough

now you walking different too
and them kids got you locked
and even tighter than a *****
I just knew it
when you fronted them up on that block

but if you got shot up
you know they wouldn't have your
back unless it was to steal your coat keys
and wallet leave you ****** dead or not

and hey I'm just saying
you started changing
and I can see this kind of ****
happening when everything around

YOU started changing...
look I don't want you to be suffering
but I try and warn you
about the world we're in

love isn't anger
love is black and blue
come stranger times like
love isn't "who can take the first blow"
love isn't hands around a throat

love isn't here
so don't come back no more.

I have the key
but I can't find the lock
it seems the key you've
got still works

it turns the ****
so why
don't you
let me in

but this door
is still locked tightly
shut just for me
please open this door

I thought this was
my home
I mean,
I even have the key. . .

I'm a mess, yet
I am only as beautiful as the pieces
I kept
a tangled chain
the rut of the "diamond" necklace

hemp choker round my neck
expect to hold ground
while my left hands steady
my ring finger displays an absentee love

cause I love life more than
the men
that they take more than any amount
of giving

scars litter my wrist
they are a constant reminder
of pain and suffering
that I am continually wearing

bracelets of the, "let me take this from you"
"don't worry this won't hurt I promise you"
*******- because my fist breaks the beads and snaps it's band like understand its not the risk

but I listen, eves droppin on
pointless conversations
hoping to be included but the sterling silver
ring pierced through the cartilage you fiddlin
with repels them all
shows everyone how you always anxious

careful footsteps for eggshell walking
anklets made or were once given
hang loose on em' like re-tethering hope
double knots even with the perfect rope
never solved the hurt and I know.

Find. Find the nearest ledge you say
Step. Step up to the plate you say
Suspend. Suspend you say
Hang again lonely you say
Again you say
End. End it all you say to ME
I plead for escape please save me
No one will love me you say. No one.
I want nothing more than to feel free
Sweet crying sky I want to survive...
Try you say. Try to stay
My headaches to medicate it, but until
I'm ready to tread this road safely then
Call me crazy. Crazy you say. Crazy.
Insane you say. Insane.
Weak and worthless you say.
You say- No! Go away I SAY.
I am... I... I am worthy of living, loving and I am not going to give up. I am not. I say.

follow Alice
crawl down the rabbit hole
it's a black abyss with all these hurt and hatred lies tied to my mind so it melds
into my memories

pick a drink of your choice
for a decision to make you tall or small
till you aren't sure you who are at all
a mad hatter?
that's mad
must of made me mad
but doesn't matter

because the hookah smoking caterpillar
offers me a drag
hazy plume of smoke through blurry eyes
and then the queen screams
"off with her head"

steals from the psyche so I'm late
I'm late for a very important date
Shouldn't have left resting lashes
or closed lids- it's all Wonderland

and now I'm stuck in a fantasy
didn't ask for what was handed me
I missed the last waking of this dream
now I've lost touch with all reality

Even on those nights I want to let go
I recall when I almost took my existence
Ponder how even one breath is so precious
How much it takes to live in the present
And yet how //

This will all be worth it.

As if to say,
"You have the strength// so put it to use."
If you can't see through it
You most likely never will have the vision
With the saline and blurry eyes
You are too blind to ever see this

To look through the lens of my sole purpose
But thats alright; I understand
Just step aside
So I can lift others
Who deserve it

it begins like this:

I didn't realize fall was ending
that global warming brings various change
so when it became cold
my bones reflected the weather reports
till they became disjointed//dismembered
with all the other broken
parts// tumbling along with it.

and now my injuries are representing all four seasons and everyone has got their way, got their reasons...
so I ask the universe this- if the earth will just have a little mercy on me...

please..

bringing it back
to rhyme and spill flow
poetry runs in the veins
and blooms in the brains of many

inside a semi psychotic introvert
lies the hyphen
a hyphen is a heavy distance
separates the language
pauses in between are dead weights
cast into dark waters
like rocks of obsidian

dash-

I stare into oblivion
cry out to the sky
Van Gogh fingertips
a starry night
except the black is infinite
dancing with the skeletons
now it's a sorry night

slash/

I know you just so you know
and I know that you've heard of me
I'm just another common tragedy
with uncommon avenues of
apathetic issues and dissipating attitudes

dash-

turn the corner
all potentials stopped
Google image of this world in a picture perfect negatives and reels with false filters
hold up and wait- this print is fake
too bad your life is photoshopped

slash/

and you know what this has done to me?
it's made me mad at you.
I've walked the map in many different shoes
measured the globe to find its
latitude and longitude

dash-

better go back west
better slow that beating chest
testing limits and abilities
with anxiety comes atrophy

backspace . . .

this is more about sacrifice
and the pain I feel inside
about how I pass my time by
passing time...
all good things come to an end
sometimes
so let the rain fall
let the stones be cast

backslash//

where did we go wrong
I know I can't stay here
I hope you take care
wherever that is

sometimes you makes me feel like
such a *****
that I'm convinced I'm even more sick
you laugh at slit wrists
but you can bite the tongue you bit

don't to bite the hand that feeds you
I wish you fed yourself self respect
so I could swallow and digest it

here we go again
where did we go wrong
I know I can't stay here
I hope you take care
wherever that is

you might find me somewhere
my plans for the future
includes a steady vocation

consider this a vacation
as my poetry travels through the air
I'll be making rhymes and cop
some flows

just hope you're not another
obstacle because you are the fork
in the road
when i need to make a right I make a wrong
yet continue along

where did we go wrong
I know I can't stay here
I hope you take care
wherever that is

yesterday was like today
but today I trust even less of what
these people say
I live in shame and take all blame

it doesn't matter how you choose
to play the game
the game plays you so respect yourself
and don't forget
what you're about
or where you're from

where did we go wrong
I know I can't stay here
I hope you take care
wherever that is

snap goes the bones and the
self esteem watch it's disintegrating soul
the lies and truth it holds
and the physicality unfolds

snap

the bruises remain bold
whether you can see em or not
black and blue- the color purple
is my camouflage

snap

snap goes the crackle and pop
it's got the veins running on adrenaline
pretending it lacks what I can do is save other people in the struggle
or change the planet
but I can't even help myself god ******

snap

snap goes the heart
**** the insults
**** the compliments
i just want some common sense
I tried to stay strong but I wanted it all
I guess just watch these London bridges
f a l l

snap

snap goes your fingers to rhythm and flow
slap goes your palms to something other than countertops at bar spots
not so fast- it isn't the Beat Generation
I'm convinced you live in the past

snap

I'll be ****** if this is forever
because I have a head full of poetry
yeah. **** me. I can't stop these
similes and hyperboles
literary insomniac

snap

and I'm going to open a map to
snap back into reality
where fear and pain reside here
but one day they won't find my tracks
relax and forget
because Im never coming back

snap.

ya feel love?

take a walk outside
the suns not out but that's
alright
leave it all behind and breathe

this is not the life you envisioned
but there's love in everybody
so create the remedy of peace and
harmony

ya feel love?

the place I'm from is full of
sunshine and ******* I call
memories that filled my veins
running within and without me

introspectively I place myself
in front of a mirror
displace my body from my entire being
including the future
yet still feeling love around me

ya feel love?

I realize I was always free to begin with
I'm leaving all the emotions that fill
the air that I breathe
and I gaze into the sky

because maybe I could believe
that it's possible to be the change
and create love
let it be as rough
as the tides take when your heads underwater rushing
into my lungs

ya feel love?

I built this house
of cards
used my own two hands
to build it

used a poor foundation to
begin with
so it collapsed like London bridges

I was the only witness
of its self destruction
pieces falling
falling pieces

falling fast asleep
on pins and needles
sleepless nights and
helpless feelings

feeling done
stacking each and every one
one by one
the shards of
broken hopes and dreams
have just begun

building freshly
from the
ground up to to make
things level
the Ace of spades
becomes my shovel

so then I'm
shredding and tearing up
the floorboards, cupboards
hardened dry wall apart

some come
some go
the door is open
you may not stay
for long

If I had the chance
I too would depart

yet I reside within
those four fragile walls

welcome,
to my
house of cards...

No

I don't love like that anymore.

like I'm expecting to find love at the bottom of a bottle of Jack. like I'm laying in bed with no intent of getting up, definitely in no mood to relax. drowning myself in these saline tears to escape the feeling of your touch or present being. like keeping an unwelcome stranger in your own home. I don't know. I just don't love like that anymore.

I love like reading a favorite book over and over again. close to forgetting its ending. nearest to its destination. discovering it all over again. love like that cigarette smile smoke seeping from lips, rainy mornings full of unchecked to-do lists. I love waking for the sunrise. I love how I've loved them once, yet inside slowly died. I've heard your name. and the hair on the back of my neck happened to rise.

remember all of those anxiety attacks and fits of frustration? remember bone breaking. fists clenching till it meets a face but black and blue doesn't erase. I don't love like that anymore. a continual questioning of my self worth, like being forced to confront your worst fears. it's not the same as swallowing worry when seeing your father after 5 years. somewhat similar to crying till it steals your breath or taking a cold shower. trying to feel like less of an entire mess. at least I do not accept love like this anymore.

I love like opening to the first page of a book. and finishing the last. I love just as the way the ocean turns its tides. reminds me how painfully I would write and write. reruns of pen and ink. the pages filled with my heart turning black and white. never stopped writing letters to those who don't love. I love all of this- but not in a lost blooming hatred and consuming way anymore, wholly, fully, with no regard for life as I know it. I love the pen running riot since words are wrapped in risk.

what I'm saying is loving isn't painful so much anymore. it doesn't stretch my heartstrings to a point of no return. even when out of tune with no intent of tuning out the tones of the deaf. loving feels situational. sometimes loving feels habitual, considering the context. loving is beginning to feel like sunsets.

at the end of the day, I wonder if sunsets feel all the loving I feel in a similar way. if love isn't the end of a bottle the end of the rope the end of it all anymore. then I love like I wish I could love how I have never loved before.

You are not done
This is not over
One more round we go

stop the complaining
we get it- you're tired of fighting
but put on your gloves
cause this is round:

ONE

there are books that still need reading

the library
books endlessly checkout able
Holden Caulfield
man, J.D. Salinger
I tip my hat to you, what a ******
impressive novel

books that need their spines broken
for the first time
time spent highlighting pages
pages need turning

so you can move on
to the next chapter of
y o u r
story.

You are not done
This is not over
One more round we go

so now it's round:

TWO

There are still sunsets
that need your approv // al
who else will gaze into an expanse
of the sky and watch
the sun say goodnight to the moon
and moon envelop the light
consuming darkness with stars all lit
across the universe

wishes will call for granting
granted that a shooting star
still must be accompanied by
a wish

make them, remember you've made it past round one.

You are not done
This is not over
One more round we go

because it's round:

THREE

blankly collecting dust
just imagine all the canvases and notebooks
white is not a primary color.

fill in the blanks that need filling
because inside we all know
we're broken
undo the emotional glue and start gluing
piece together a mosaic or something

You are not done
This is not over
One more round we go

heaving breathing
heart is beating
consciousness receding

but just one more
prepare yourself for this is round:

FOUR

there will be words that are yours
words that need speaking and reading
words that spark imaginations
change opinions
or aid in healing

awareness for the beauty in sunsets and sunrises
artistic expression that calls for supplies and
it's ok not to always have everything

someones bound to have an extra pen or paper or something
Like this time impossible is not an option. There are no limitations

I know I've ****** up
I don't have much
no change in my wallet
but I'm sure i can borrow some from the universe or maybe even a stranger
I will not let down or give up

its hard to tally up all the fights
that have been fought
for each moment that WAS
and WAS not

like remember
"this is all we got."

**** It ALL
no- this is not done
no- this is not over
like remember
don't ever think

there is no force in your
punches and throws
you'll be back in the ring
know you'll always be fighting

so.
one more round we go.

Recently.
I've been trying
to stay grounded.

Accepting the challenge
for the pursuit of
self recovery

This way I can
increase my chances
reduce relapses,
and on my journey,

I look before me.
a mirror projecting
the flesh
the bone
but not presenting images of resiliency, determination,
self discovery

The Inner Me…

Cause’ Dear self,
dear visionary, dreamer, aspiring writer, undying fighter-
you are all these things.

and when it all becomes too much
and you want to let go,

Dear self-

I hope you know,
there’s hope you know.

So keep your head on your shoulders
pick up the pieces
that have been scattered around

Dear self,
remember to keep your feet
on the ground.

the world was born
from territories that had once
become stone

mapped out by
death and dying
a compass made
from bone

and settlers tilled
the land
till the world was born

it was here
that silence was formed
by the whole of the human word:
boundary

a polluted beauty
new land and water
that had once connected us
broke all unity

now rivers divide us
the hemisphere splits
cracks the earths surface like
soles of weary feet
upon an arid dessert

separated and pulled itself
apart every so slowly till
it ripped stripped and tore

this is when the world
was born.

I will never amount
to you
add up all the tracks I left
the pieces of my life I've kept

are a multitude of how much
I respect
that I can subtract all my mistakes
and never be what you have become

ill never walk your path

and I think it's great how you
used to be great

now you're amazing
and I'm blazing new trails
taking and making a new road

decoding the code of how you
got to climb the ladder

guess I'll be climbing forever

I'll never understand your
peaks plains and valleys
the dips and ruts are where I'm stuck

I'll never be smart like you
talented
balancing a top job
I'll never be loved or as creative

I hate it.
because I'll never make it
like you can

and I'll be ******
if I ever graduate from college
or learn the knowledge that you hold

I understand it's a cold world
but I'll never create a mural
of all my accomplishments
and paint the landscape whichever
color I want

because I can't
amount to you
I've been reduced to the shadows
of your celebrations

so I celebrate in your darkness
I hang around on the same old ground as I always have

this makes me sad
this makes me angry and mad

but nonetheless I'm glad you've
gotten to be who you want to be

but please.
step aside so I can cast
my own shadow
and be me...