Never meant to hurt you.
I'm sorry how I've made you sad.
you've been the first unconditional
love I've ever had.

this has been more than you think.

this hurts me, as it hurts you
permanent ink like a tattoo
you will never regret

never forget
I will never love you the same
not again like you love me
and I hope we can be friends.

you mean so much to me
I yearn to preserve what
we have between one another

I am not what you NEED
and will never be
I hope we can leave each other
so you
and I

can be happy.

I am sorry
so sorry, for hurting
you

please do not accept
this apology.

follow me into an eternity of
friendship that loves
and forget that pastime love
and the once pastime
"me"

Fear fed my focus
on the unsettling questions,
suggestions and thoughts
which seemed to run like a film
ever projecting // never ending.

Fear fueled and seared uncertainty
into my heart
and threatened my ability
to beat //
to breathe
correctly

Soon my lungs were collapsing
breath was decreasing
which began to impair
my vision
I then started losing and missing
the pitches of clear sounds

Which now clearly suggested
I was losing my hearing
I could no longer smell
the burning
the thirst and yearning

So tasteless and speechless I
bitterly reached out for something
near me
yet struggled to touch it for the anxiety was consuming

I found myself so
incapacitated with worry and fear
-for what it might unveil
so quickly in a sense,
I had lost all of my
senses which ultimately led me
down paths // peaks // planes // and valleys

These innate abilities were stripped // ripped from my grip
someone please find me //
before I lose everything and find
it all to be permanently
a part of me...

I am I...
I am the the right of the wrongs
that rubber cement
the name of the game
I add links to the chain
re arrange the brain.

I am I...
I come from the west and traveled to the east coast
I am the earth the universe and this globe

I am I...
I paradoxically transfix your mental state changing the frontal lobe.
I am the blood and the veins of this country the crescendo of the symphony

don't **** with me

I am I...
I am the fist of power
I am the topic of the hour
the dro and the sour
I am the dopest of the dope yo the most of the most.

I am I...
Praise me.
raise your cup to me first.
dream and reflect//project yourself into the sky

I am I...
I am the knots,
the intricate seams
at the end of the rope
the drugs in your veins the perfect acid dose.

I am I...

Why people cut themselves,
I would
never begin to understand.

ok. so now I am lying
because my cuts
were never truly planned.

I know why.
the pain.
the misery.
when it all becomes too much...

yes I know you think no one understands

that no one cares
its easy to pretend
that you're tough

and tried true-
your ******* up in the air
saying *******

when really everything hurts
trust me I know
I didn't cut because I have more scars on my wrist
than lines in a notebook

I was so spiral bound up inside
that I
I never told anyone
they just thought those lines were
accidental wounds in reality
but sadly this was just a self destructive behavior and mentality

but soon when I began to heal
my wounds became scars
mapping out like constellations and stars
all over my arms

I don't hide em
this is me
I wear them with pride
like the rings on my fingers
because I've promised myself
my fingers will never touch another razor blade

I've made progress
and the scars begin to dissipate
like it's all clear
no chaos no havoc

the bleedings receding
inside the darkness is fleeting
suffocation to
breathing

my heart.
my heart is now beating

and I can understand why pain reflects itself
projects pain in the form of self injury.

so I lied.
I always // knew // why.

you ever studied constellations?
because speaking of,
there are more stars in this universe
that words ever spoken by mankind.

the size of astronomical numbers in a
true sense, IS the word itself
there are infinite ways to express this

equate the gravity of dropping one/ness verbalizing stanzas & sentences while deriving the universal mass of the human language.

thanks for leaving home dad.

things are better since they
were
bad.

had a rough time adjusting to walking in new shoes

but you've taught me so much now. and I wanted to thank you.

thanks for leaving home dad

I'll know to turn the lights out
it wastes too much electricity
too much energy

expended on something
unneeded.

I'll learn to not need you.

thanks for leaving home dad

I'll know not to leave the front door unlocked or the screen door open.

cause someone could just walk right into your home

walk right into your home
your life-
and hurt you.

now I'll be safer.

thanks for leaving home dad

now Ill know not to leave a friend
by themselves
if they're having a hard time

because I know it was hard to have no one to lean on
when needed em most

I'll be there for them.

thanks for leaving home dad.

now I'll know when to leave a relationship

see most times you stay
and you hope against hope
that they can change
but I've learned you cannot change anyone but yourself.

I can be happy alone.

thanks for leaving home dad

now I've learned to love myself
and to never lose myself
tie myself up into knots
and undo myself

everyday isn't the same
but I add another link to the chain

hey-
I just wanted to say
thanks,
dad.

I realize
I hate everything about you

Your immaturity
your "I'm always right," mentality

everything about you
annoys the hell out of me

when you pick me up
and you're ****** up
when you showed up to
dinner high

when you crashed the cart into
a car at Walmart
I ******* hate you.

when you broke my wrist
when you wrote a list about
everything wrong with me and
put it up on the fridge

I ******* hate you.

I hate when you whistle
off tune
when you say you'll be there soon
and 4 hours later you pull into
my driveway

never doing things my way
once in a blue moon
it's your way or the highway

I ******* hate you.

tried and true
id attempt to
write you love notes
waking up to find a list of chores
and the dishes not done

what's the fun in living together
if you can't share the good and bad
tired of you telling me about how I'll turn out like my dad

had I known what hate was before we met
maybe things would have been different
love isn't getting lost in bruises and blows
it's about sharing happiness and making it through the highs and lows.

I wish I knew.
thing is I still love you.
but with every fiber of my being seeing this through whatever that will be,

I hate you.
but please-
don't leave
me.

(inspired by Junot Diaz & ...life)

I. the scars are just proof// of the internal pain showing// the external blame it's blooming in brain. the more blows and strikes the more she bends her will to never come home that night for blame.

II. direct voicemail after numerous calls// like going through a lifeless withdrawal// she waits// anticipates// for when you may pick up the phone. so alone and waiting for phone calls ever fading// her voice trails off to a silent whisper// she knows deep inside no one will ever miss her.

III. palms are precious. hands cradling the future present and past// signifies how long you'll hold on to the mast or a sail of a sinking ship. in other words when your hand meets hers then draws away//she can feel the deterioration of a long lasted relationship drifting off some place.

IV. her smile radiates like a thousand suns. but her tears are a million in one. she'll cry oceans and rivers// she'll cry streams and reservoirs// to stop the hurt from creeping in when no comfort seems to create.

This is no secret- it is something to tell. appreciate her// respect her// treat her well. because my friends they come and the lines they go by// this is how you lose her// and now you know the reasons why.

I want to get drunk off of language
just one last time
words come out so much easier when intoxicated.

Much simpler than trying it the sober way
everyday I want to tell him I love him
I want to tell the truth
I want to feel like everything is acceptable
I want to talk to you

I want to come clean with no excuses
even if the truth hurts.

and from love to hate
to anger to trust
to that time I wanted to **** myself
but cowered over sleeping pills and razor blades blood stains and emergency first responders

I want to share things I am too afraid to share
things I hide away from plain sight

I want to hold him tight
I want to thank you for breaking my heart too
I want to share incredibly sad things in the dead of the night
I want to be brave
I want to be strong

I want to be intoxicated with life.
Even if seems wrong.

whatever you do,
don't go back
to what

b   r   o   k   e

               you.

changed my shoes//
thinkin I could find a better//
s o u l .

"I love you to death,"
he said.



"I love you for life,"
she replied.

SLAM..
SLAM down the words
like the slap of your hand
upon a countertop

SPEAK the utterances
of your broken heart
to souls of hip hop

SLAM that anger
with the fistful of furious syllables

SCREAM your defiance to the world indifferent
innocent and ignorant

SLAM down tequila shots
one, two, three,
redefining absolute clarity

SLAM your pride and dignity

SLAM your locked up pain
break the lock unleash the insane

SLAM the gates of heaven
and the depths of hell

SLAM ME into absolute stupidity with your words
jack lines
jack verbs
herd the unheard

SLAM

we still love you
after all of this time.
we stand up for you because you are
more than your
race, gender or sexuality.
theres so much more that defines you
you are an artist
you are an achiever
a sole believer in making wrongs right
you are so much more than a label...
you are uniquely you.
tried and true, and this is why,
we still love you...

gravity is ******* me in
days or years
I don't know how long it's been
I am collapsing

inside of an abyss
swallowed by darkness
hollow sounds and black holes

the center cannot hold.

And if smoking is suicide //in bite sized bits, I'm suicidal//

Loving is heartbreak in little pieces// light as paper or heavy like boulders, so I'm broken hearted//

Alcohol is consequences, a lack of judgment and mistakes in liquid form//
so I'm thoughtless//

pill are mixes of melding ideas//
in calculated formulas//
so I'm synthetic//

and I ask, what off it?//
causes hell is hell//
and life is life//

and I'm used to using//
used to abusing// so I believe// I am above this//

The issue lies not in you being gone but in the fact that you're away.
your smile and your eyes- they became transfixed in my brain and became something that one could only hope to see every time the sun brings the light of day and smiles upon the earth.

The issue lies not on the decision you made to go but in the mystery of whether you'll return. I could live without you, but what fun would it be to explore the universe and learn about one another, dance together outside if never with a partner.

The issue lies not in the few days we spent together but in the plentiful numerous seconds I got to know who you were. Every word, gesture, movement and expression resonated in my head reminding me of the day I realized I deserved something like this.

The issue lies in the fact that there is no issue after all is there?
If you're the issue, we'll find the answer.
If time is the issue, we'll watch the clock together.
If we're the issue, it's the world that is mistaken and moving on is all we can do.

I come with the whole truth
the truth and nothing but

the trials of a fighter
tribulations of a dealer
middle ground of good and bad
with no gray area

the truth is the truth
and truth is what it is
I knew when I pursued you
that I would probably
lose you

and who knew
but what else than to try
I come with the truth the truth and
nothing but

just drug stuff
lightin up in the basement
lighter fluid is the basis
all types of worry brew

I fell for you
looking into the looking glass
and your reflection just stares back
you can't hide

the good times
the truth is the truth
and the truth is what it is

and the truth is I hope you'll
return one day
but in your prison state
you might as well not be here at all
we were bound to fall

and that's the truth
and the truth is all

I didn't want to fall in love with
postage stamps
to put yourself onto paper like that
seems inaccurate.

but while I'm lonely, crying; I wanted to turn to you because you were never there to turn to
but I couldn't turn to you because you were never there.

And by there I mean here, with me, where you should have been.

I didn't want to fall in love with train tickets, holding my piece of glossy paper like the lotto.
I just won the opportunity to see you.

to lie with you in bed
be held
share a cigarette
attempt to contain the laughter.

See, when I step off that platform
and our eyes meet
I am flooded with excitement for it's Christmas and my birthday
all at once.

I am going to try, to care for you from a distance.
especially when those vast 70 miles seem to eat away

see I'll be checking the mailbox everyday, saving every paycheck to see you next.
I will wait learn to acclimate
I will learn to adjust.

And perhaps fall in love with the 70 miles that separate us.

However it begins, start off quiet
Then; it's gonna get louder
And louder.

This is how you write with power.

mix drinks, mix soul with attitude//
with empowerment
wrap it up in rhyme or rhyme it up
in rap
until it all becomes, sounds, and lives to be true.

Create persona's; flashy personalities
Political philosophies
like as if communism were the opposite of
democracy

Stop at some point in the poem-
Stop while they're jivin and movin to your words.
herd the unheard
jack lines. jack verbs.

This will give your poem
hesitation, a sense of urgency
and pause

Then of course a poem with power
contains anger

I have seen the disintegration
of dilapidated streets
gentrification

an educationally starved
third world nation

and make sure to speak with mastery of articulation
see, it's even spelt out in the constellations

making // placing sound waves upon deaf ears

Now, all you have to do
is lower your voice,
open your head
and say listen-

"This is the sound of the world changing,"

I said.

what does love
feel like?

-like swimming with
eyes open.

visions a blur
but he's right
there, in the

clarity of my
treacherous waters
the pressure on my lungs//
steals my breath// away//

so I come up for air
inhale// exhale
and he's still there

still treading similar
waves// saves me the
trouble of worrying
and wondering if

I'll be out in this ocean forever,
****** in by
the riptides
of emotion

but he's still there
wading in the
fluidity of this abyss,
with me.

the currents pull
and part the seas
so much motion

yet he is there// too//
swimming with eyes
open.

If I could,
I would write
the greatest love poem
of all time

then crumple it up,
crush the crisp paper

and
       b  u  r  n
   it.

watch the fire consume
and swallow it

then let the wind
pick up the new
ashes

in hopes they
will deliver
my message

"do you believe in God?"
I asked her.
"No. I am not religious."

"I believe in the universe."
I said.

"I believe
in believing."
she replied.

and when she
said this she
looked up to
the sky

but we were inside-
so this would be
the ceiling..

..and waved her
arms about
so beautifully
like a thousand
pieces of fluttering
paper in the air.

"whatever makes you
look up."
"I guess."
"or believe- in your case."
I managed to utter back.

"you have to believe."
she said to me.
"whether it's God, or the universe,
or yourself; believe in something."

"what if you believe
in nothing?"
I asked.

"well that's simple."
"nothing is still
something."

"so that's something
to believe in."

I want to wear myself
inside out
spill out what I feel on the inside
on my inner beliefs and ideations
all the conversations I could have
if I wasn't wearing a t shirt and jeans

if only I wore my
opinions like rings
on my fingers
and sport my values
on the soles of my shoes

my head flowing with
ideas and I could let my hair down,
fluid// flowing// with tendrils of readings and teachings

my wardrobe filled with hangers
of clothing repressing theories and
hypothesis

dress myself in principles and prospects and proofs

we do this instead by expressing ourself through our dress
and underneath brand names
we hide what we're about

instead I want to turn
myself
inside out

I hate to say I told
you so
but I am doing better without
you...

you remember how you once said
you hated me?
remember how you once said I was insane, mentally ill, and crazy.

well I am all those things except they don't define me as a person

you're crazy too and it's likely that
we share that same hate
it's okay, I can relate

except I separate all the good and the bad and it makes me sad
all that we've been through
it's left an impression

a scar set as a reminder
of the endless fights
the drugs
the late nights

I'm sorry.
but I'm just better off without you.
and you're better off without me
the rest?
just let it dissolve
let us rewrite our own history.

I still believe there is good
in everyone.
even the most evil

I think it started
slow where sliding down
the esophagus the hallucinogenic
melds with the pills and meds
melts with the elements
around us

and I know we all
can't help but feel
like we're  sitting on a notion meditating
on a thought

but I refuse to be a
tragic backdrop to your
midnight sky

I think it started
With those deep entrancing eyes.
remember THAT
so when we judge the worst people in the world
remember that they're all bad
for very different reasons

that they all started off slow
I swear.
but somewhere rushed it all
somewhere things went awry
and I still believe there is good in
everyone

Reason 1. We are born equal
Reason 2. We all tried our best
Reason 3. We failed to meet the expectations

maybe because no one believed we could be good enough
maybe because no one cared.
And we rushed through life on auto pilot

no there are no bad seeds
Just beautifully grown trees and
Iridescent waters in which we stare at our reflections
a ripple effect of expectations

and I cast a stone across the surface of the sea
there is good bad
black and white
right and wrong

but I still believe.

I want to be the graduating
class
of we ******* made it

despite the trials and tribulations
I want to scream and throw up my cap
say that was well worth it

that those endless all nighters
the coffee *** on
my walk to class iPod on
blast songs

of inspiration
of that serious dedication
stacks of books and notes
post its and reminders

binders
spiral bound
college ruled

schooled on all
walks of life
on all types of wrong and right

all the mistakes I want to erase
and refunds for the W's and F's
what's left?
but to tell myself it's all ok.

black and blue bics
papers double spaced
**** it I want to be the best I can be

class of the underdogs
the freaks the ones who thought they'd never make it

the class of we *******
we made it.

thanks for being here.
today you are born again.
today you are alive.

struggling through
another day,
another
decade.

-it does get better
I
promise.

and I can't say I love you
because I don't.
but someone out there
does.

even if it's mom, or dad,
or a distant relative.

if you feel like giving up again,
please don't.
if you're thinking about ending it all;

tonight
or possibly tomorrow
hang in there just a little
longer

even with
palms sweaty,
arms aching,
callused skin...

pick yourself up.
no- not a weapon
or a razor
or comfort food- those cookies

sitting on the kitchen counter.

you don't need em'
I
promise.

get up and look at yourself.
yeah. in the mirror.

and repeat aloud, "I love myself."
repeat this until you believe.
promise
me.

if you are happy-
truly happy,
not with all the material *******
but truly happy with yourself-

with your virtues and values,
I applaud you.

but you deserve a standing ovation
either way.
for showing up for life.
you made it-
thank yourself for being alive.

I can't say
I love you
but I can say
I don't.

but some one
out there does
love you.

I don't know where
you're from but
it's been one hell
of a ride.

and I can't tell you
what sort of
trip you've been
on

or walk of life
you've been
on.

but I can
tell you,
that life
goes on.

today is today
yesterday was yesterday

and I find myself
re-living yesterday.
everyday.

so excuse me,
while I slice
myself open
tears, pouring
years in hoping for a
better, yesterday.

I once wanted so
badly to die.

I once saw the world
with clouded eyes
a shrouded disguise
of pain and apathy

yet now things have
been looking up
my outlook on life
is improving

used to using a
fine language of suicide
confined to the
walls of my brain

I was contained
and chained
to the insane

but I broke it.
reversed the cycle
and routine

now it seems
as though
things are brighter

I made a conscious
decision after
living and learning
digesting lessons

from my conscience.

for once I have
a clear vision.

for a time it felt
like swimming
with eyes open.
so I closed em.

then lifted those
lids to find
the world looking
so different

a pure prism of
hope and such a
lifted perception.

now I have the motivation
and drive to strive everyday
to live to be alive.

it's such a sense
of euphoria
manifesting itself
inside,

I hold it and
keep it.
it's my best kept secret,

of an everlasting
eternal sunshine.

there is
something

about holding
hands

two palms whispering
secrets

held as

one

singing,

I f e e l.
I f e e l.

I feel for
you.

before we truly understood
each other
I never knew where you
came from

before we had an understanding
I never knew what
you were made of

such undying
love.
but also such undying
hatred.

why don't you
accept yourself
and love yourself like
you love me

I know you don't
see what I see
all those limitless possibilities

before I truly understood
you and knew what you
had been through,

I still saw you as
a success and an achiever
but self loathing so much
of yourself is so hard to
watch as you repeat

over and over
how much you'll never
reach the top
and you'll just be climbing
forever.

before I can truly
understand
your ulterior motives
or what is beneath those deteriorating eyelids

I just wish you would
see how much you are
worth instead of how
you see yourself as worthless...

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

grant it the
trust

to bring
us where
wherever we
want to be.

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

leading us
north, south
west or east.

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

the needles
pointing upward

follow the
direction
I will follow
your footsteps
if you wish to lead.

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

the directional
force lies
within us
resting internally.

we have what
we need
the internal
compass

leading our
conscious and subconscious
inside of you
inside of them
inside of every
crevice of the
earth.

the eternal compass lies within-
the seams of the universe.

let us be honest
let us be upfront
and real

as we must-
in order to properly
heal this wound we
have made in society.

PEOPlE ARE
AFRAID OF ME.
because I am "crazy"

because I have OCD
because I have BPD

they definitely don't
even know what
those acronyms MEAN

see I've been deemed
as crazy
and marked as one
full of insanity

and this STIGMAS
stingin' me.

this is how they
be treatin' me
and they be sayin'
and playin' this game

towards me-

lock her away
and pray she don't come
near me:

mental illness is
infectious and she'll
surely get me,

she's contagious
it's outrageous
don't touch me-

she's CRAZY.

she's manic
and throwin fits
it's ****** *******

keep her AWAY
from me,
please I don't need
to be exposed

like even if she
don't look it
or like she's got it
she doesn't seem
THAT insane

but it could bloom
in MY brain
if we ride the same subway
or ride the same train-

*******, she's got
an illness-
a mental illness
that's the diagnosis

she's ******' CRAZY

it's a disgrace she even
shows her face
don't see how
she can even leave
that place

**** just cage that
mental case AWAY

I TOLD YOU
she's crazy.
keep that mental
**** AWAY from me.

mental illness is not going away it is in our face daily we need to have a system that works, so:
address it
accept it
pursue it
my experience is just a microcosm of what is happening in our society mentally
everything trickles down to the root- mental health and unless we address the root of the problem we will continue seeing tragedies like columbine and sandy hook
what took so many lives
what will it take to wake us up and
realize we can't keep on keepin
on this way
we need to address the root the
right way.

my mind a canvas-
and what better surface
to create upon
mold and shape upon

there is no wrong medium
I'll use acrylic and oil
I'll use basics
like crayon and marker

or something sharper
like sharpie so it's permanence
won't leave the landscape
of my brain

I'll use gesso and white out
to layer upon each layer
later I'll peel them off
one by one to see the
initial outcome

and if I don't like it-
I'll change it
because I'm an artist
and as my mind as the canvas,
I think, what better surface to work with.

this mornings forecast: sunny skies
I'm now feeling alive
so ******* ready
for life.

despite the predictions
of heavy snow and rain
an eternal sunshine is
blooming in my brain

this evenings forecast: winds variable and light
I'm now feeling alive
so ******* ready
for life.

I've now begun to realize
it's ok to be ok.
it's alright to be alright.
looking at the bright side,

letting go of
the past,
yet still having full grasp
on what is mine.

tonights forecast: a starry night
I'm now feeling alive
so ******* ready
for life.

clear skies no, no shooting
stars, but this luminous
moon is just so vibrant

like a bright day in
the middle of night
living on an entirely
different universe

traveling the wavelenghts
ready to take flight
I'm now feeling alive
so ******* ready
for life.

reaching toward to sky
kneeling to the earth
appreciating the reward
from now on,

avoiding any natural disasters,
according to my
weather report.