her lips are red;
but overflowing,
barcodes on her wrists;
to scan self worth,
her hair is no longer long
nor smooth,
these purples and blues on her back;
has been a map of memories,
those crimson red nails
suits her the most,
that smile on her red lips,
oh so beautiful,
oh a beautiful wreck.

I will be the one who lit up our thread
by making a blazing flame
that you could not even
water with tears

graze my pain like the shard,
because you said it was not that hard,
to die and seek bliss,
in your arms I have found peace.

in the silence,
i can hear something is shattering,
but it’s not the glass,
from the table,
nor from the kitchen,
what is it?
its turning into dust and debris,
all over the place,
but blinded by eyes,
and silence at mouths.

my very existence excites you the most,
could not be shaken until the time finally arrives,
my very existence kills you the most,
could not be forgiven until the time finally ends,
i am indeed,
hope.

by the time you feel regret,
your cries has no meaning,
and your victories will gain nothing.

im sorry mom,
but;
i would like to see,
the terror in your eyes,
when i break that smile,
just the way you did to mine,
from years ago.

"I like your eyes",
I know in fact he did not,
because deep in my brown iris,
all he could see is himself,
and he likes it,
so much.

in my next life,
i want to be a man,
not because i have more benefits in patriarchal social,
maybe that’s one thing,
but no;
i simply want to experience being loved by women as a man,
because that is the real privilege.

and if tears is not enough to hide your pain,
maybe the stars that's hiding between your sleeves,
will do.

i don’t care if I lost myself,
for you to search yourself;



but i do owe an apology,
do i?

"some things are better left unsaid,
like the way you were hurting me,
and the way you look into my eyes everyday,
as if i'm going to disappear."

some things are better left unsaid,
like hurting her was my biggest regret,
and her gleaming eyes that kept me sane everyday,
as if you are going to leave me.

some things are better left unsaid,
like our unsent letters,
and the way your actions affect my daily life,
as if we are not going to last.

some things are better left unsaid,
like our tragic love story,
where you disappear,
without saying goodbye to me nor to the world.

and some things are better left unsaid,
like how you were my only last string.

Oh, look I am doomed!
standing in front someone whom I used to call my Moon,
I'm wondering if this is true?
that you used to love me like you never do.

now, i’m one with the wind
because im no longer a person.

your soul is like the day clouds
white and pure,
your smile resembles yellow,
so happy and warm,
your hazel eyes stunned me,
and that red lips of yours is irresistible,
but why the colours changing?
it seems hazy and darker than before,
you turned into grey,
and;
left me in pitch black.

only today,
i have come to realise,
that only love;
can heal and break people.

“why dont you ever give us your opinion?”
opinions? MY opinions?
why would I even bother?
when my voice wont even resonate through your ears,
and my words wont even be enough to reach your brain,
including your eyes,
your eyes were looking through mine,
though in fact you’re not digesting my words, but yours.

i think i’m going to take a break,
from writing,
as if i’ve been writing for too long,

well,
until i fall in love again with writing,
i will keep writing,
as if my pen won't run out of ink,
and my fingers won't stop typing.

welcome aboard,
a tough ride of a slump!

she screamed my name so loud,
never once i felt my world crumbled,
i don’t know whether it’s terror or anger that i felt,
because in that eyes,
i can clearly see,
that her hate is bigger than love,
that her hate is louder than her voice,
just because I simply was late to her calling.

if you are to be at my funeral,
don’t forget to throw,
any flowers you know,
so;
at least my mom will realise that i’ve lived a good life with people.

oh, my dear child,
do not cry,
do not whimper,
do not even flinch
fret not the fire isn't coming,
fret not,
the earth is still revolving,
fret not,
your father will die one day.

He’s calling me,
anywhere at any time,
in the broad daylight,
or in the darkest night,
where i should see the stars,
shining darker than what i've seen,
flowing with elegance,
making sound like no other,
he’s laughing at me,
saying “you’ve lost”.

everything starts to have meaning,
when it’s already gone.

I love you so much,
to the point it hurts,
but;
we are the same.

graze my pain,
like the ice making you bleed,
and if love was truly sacred,
why’d i always found peace,
in your arms.

In the amidst of fears and tears,
im walking solely towards unknown abyss,
sudden,i profound something beautiful,
nothing,but;
a walking beautiful chaos.

I cannot die but I'm not living either,
but mom;
tell me,
if I do well today,
am I going to live tomorrow?

I was his heaven,
But;
He was my hell,
I tried to escape,
But i wish for everything just to be with him,
I'm confused but also I'm in love,
But;
You are my hell,
I'm too tired to go through heaven,
Because I know I'll end up in hell.

try and try and try!
to help them,
until you yourself fall down,
into the pit of hell.

"I like men",
is what I want my mom to believe,
"I already forget about her",
is what I want to believe,

sincerely,
her.

in another life,
i hope to reincarnate,
as my mother’s mother,
so every day i can tell her,
how pretty she is,
how hardworking she is,
pat her back,
wipe her tears when she is sad,
tell her “it’s alright”,
listen to her stories,
and sing her bedtime lullabies,
because i know it is her first time becoming a mother.

if life is a canvas,
why'd you paint it black?

painted it black,
with elegance,
resembles as my pain flowing,
through out the whole canvas,
overflowing but still beautiful,
painted it black,
with modesty,
resembles as the trauma speaks,
louder than my mouth,
out of place but still intact.