fix,
repair,
repeat,
these broken pieces,
that could no longer fit.

as vast as my mind,
as vast as your mind,
as vast as the love in this world,
and the sea,
the universe even,
i bet the stars;
no thoughts of me would be the first thing to come across you.

i go back
to what kills me
even if i was never found
while being clean
i still go back
to what kills me at 3am.

waking up knowing a deadly disease is running wild,
the news flooding as if it'll never ends,
that unexplainable chills went through the spines,
as if the hell to human beings is awakened.

everyday passed by with sounds of,
the birds chirping happily in the trees,
gliding through the skies freely,
like its had been locked in a cage for years.

a serene scenery of vast blue sky,
skycrapers can be seen miles away,
how long has it been since the sky this blue?
it is truly a blessing in disguise.

the pride of our country is fighting,
boldly,strongly,no signs of surrender nor give up,
theres always a silver lining with whats happening,
but,we will keep fighting through this together!

-afi-

small gesture and a brief conversation could mean nothing to me,
but to you?
it’s different-
it is big enough,
big enough to make you think,
that the truly small gesture was simply meant for you,
when it’s just how a normal human being act,
out of kindness to everyone else,
but you take it the wrong way,
because you.are.so.into.them,
absolutely in love with them,
or in my words,
you are absolutely deluding yourself.

someday maybe i will realised that i play no role in your life,
a lead character?
no. not even a side character would fit me in your story,
it’s not my thinking,
i’m not insecure,
but i realised maybe i’m just fit to be the witness of your story,
the one who captured how each of your story unfold,
one by one,
where your tears fall,
and where you laugh until your face become red,
it’s more or less like a cameraman.

I dreamt a wonderful dream,
So wonderful I wish not to wake up
But how do I know;
If I'm awake or still asleep?

they always say sweet dream,
but,
why's mine a nightmare?

alive,
death,
death,
death,
death,
alive,
alive,
de-,
alive,
aliv­e,
died.

As your breath crawled on my skin,
while embraced by your warmth,
i stumbled upon your words and whispers,
that shook my mind,
alleviated a year long headache,
entraced my misery away,
whispers and phrases,
brought me to seventh gate of heaven,
making an inclination of desiring more,
i wonder if this is the reality that i've been longing for?
as i muttered on my words,
i realised,
this is the hell of a dream.

some people have everything,
some people want to be everything,
and some people want to be anything,
even though they feel nothing,
and some people have everything,
to use it to be everything,
and lead them onto a foolish act of nothing.

I am afraid of the future may hold,
of what I may become or may not,
of how I will turn out,
a father’s child or a mother’s child?
pathetic like my mother?
or abusive like my father?
I don’t get to pick and choose,
It’s in me.

At the end of the day,
you’re the only one I want.

"who is your first love?',
that question made me stare at a blank wall,
for quite a good hour,
i guess for me,
it was a painting that was painted,
by a stranger on the street,
it was a painting that made my heart jumped,
im looking at the blank canvas on the wall,
whimpering to be paint,
wriggling unlike other paintings,
i wonder why they look so scared,
as if im not going to paint them,
because i am a painter after all.

should I burn myself,
or should I burn my soul,
shall I remind myself,
not to lit the candle,
or should I remind myself,
not to play with fire,

no one would be able to tell;
that it is a soul to sell,
and you already fell,
slowly, into the pit of hell.

found myself a beautiful mannequin,
i glared at her as if my eyes are about to pop,
luckily i won!
but;
mom said i am crazy,
maybe that's why she got killed,
by a loser.

i looked down at the stairs of hope
and hoping there’s someone
who will climb the stairs as well
but when i reach another stair
i fall back to hopeless.

i spent my childhood, like a teenager,
and i spent my adolescent years,
behaving like an adult,
and i tried to go back to my childhood,
i realise there’s nothing,
i realise i don’t remember anything,
i even force the feeling,
to actually feel something,
but- i don’t feel anything?
how is it possible,
that i’ve grown so fast,
but left ‘myself’ behind,
with tattered mind,
and shattered timeline,
alongside the traumatising lifeline.

reach me, my inner child,
let me return your hugs and pat your back when you cries,
and listen to what you have to say,
reach me,
inner child.