alive,
death,
death,
death,
death,
alive,
alive,
de-,
alive,
aliv­e,
died.

when will i forget the past that changed me,
will i ever?
can i?
do i?
i mean i am supposed to move on,
but it feels like,
only time is ticking but i remained as the numbers in the clock.

if you were to be mine,
it would be a laughing matter,
but if you were meant to be hers,
it would be a “perfect match”, God sent from heaven

jika semalam dikatakan duka,
biar malam ini engkau berlara,
dalam hening sepi,
engkau kian bercinta,
walau takdir terputus mati.

i spent my childhood, like a teenager,
and i spent my adolescent years,
behaving like an adult,
and i tried to go back to my childhood,
i realise there’s nothing,
i realise i don’t remember anything,
i even force the feeling,
to actually feel something,
but- i don’t feel anything?
how is it possible,
that i’ve grown so fast,
but left ‘myself’ behind,
with tattered mind,
and shattered timeline,
alongside the traumatising lifeline.

reach me, my inner child,
let me return your hugs and pat your back when you cries,
and listen to what you have to say,
reach me,
inner child.

i go back
to what kills me
even if i was never found
while being clean
i still go back
to what kills me at 3am.

I am afraid of the future may hold,
of what I may become or may not,
of how I will turn out,
a father’s child or a mother’s child?
pathetic like my mother?
or abusive like my father?
I don’t get to pick and choose,
It’s in me.

I open the door…,
and I see myself;
my tiny self sitting at the corner,
crying in the dark.

At the end of the day,
you’re the only one I want.

waking up knowing a deadly disease is running wild,
the news flooding as if it'll never ends,
that unexplainable chills went through the spines,
as if the hell to human beings is awakened.

everyday passed by with sounds of,
the birds chirping happily in the trees,
gliding through the skies freely,
like its had been locked in a cage for years.

a serene scenery of vast blue sky,
skycrapers can be seen miles away,
how long has it been since the sky this blue?
it is truly a blessing in disguise.

the pride of our country is fighting,
boldly,strongly,no signs of surrender nor give up,
theres always a silver lining with whats happening,
but,we will keep fighting through this together!

-afi-

should I burn myself,
or should I burn my soul,
shall I remind myself,
not to lit the candle,
or should I remind myself,
not to play with fire,

no one would be able to tell;
that it is a soul to sell,
and you already fell,
slowly, into the pit of hell.

i looked down at the stairs of hope
and hoping there’s someone
who will climb the stairs as well
but when i reach another stair
i fall back to hopeless.

this time i’ll let you win,
not for the sake of my pride nor yours,
it’s for the closure,
that i have always wanted.

someday maybe i will realised that i play no role in your life,
a lead character?
no. not even a side character would fit me in your story,
it’s not my thinking,
i’m not insecure,
but i realised maybe i’m just fit to be the witness of your story,
the one who captured how each of your story unfold,
one by one,
where your tears fall,
and where you laugh until your face become red,
it’s more or less like a cameraman.

let me be your cigarette,
in a pack of many,
lit me up like the fears of delight,
and blaze the fire in the tears of fright,
hoping that one day,
It will **** your ******* pride.

"who is your first love?',
that question made me stare at a blank wall,
for quite a good hour,
i guess for me,
it was a painting that was painted,
by a stranger on the street,
it was a painting that made my heart jumped,
im looking at the blank canvas on the wall,
whimpering to be paint,
wriggling unlike other paintings,
i wonder why they look so scared,
as if im not going to paint them,
because i am a painter after all.

as vast as my mind,
as vast as your mind,
as vast as the love in this world,
and the sea,
the universe even,
i bet the stars;
no thoughts of me would be the first thing to come across you.

they always say sweet dream,
but,
why's mine a nightmare?