right now there are eleven empty containers of alcohol in my bedroom,
but it's fine, i'm fine.
i've been telling myself for more than a year
that i wasn't going to write anymore sad ****** poems about you,
but here we are.
most days i'm sure i don't miss you,
but then i listen to the wrong song,
and before i know it -
i'm screaming along to band of horses in the dark,
stalking your twitter favorites,
and somehow,
i've managed to get snot on my forehead.
yeah, nostalgia is an *******
but not all the memories sting.
there was that one time we went to the movies
and i slipped on some ice and fell flat on my ***.
i just sat there while you took a picture.
but i'm glad we could laugh about it.
i'm glad we were comfortable.
in my head, we still are.
in my head, we're oversized-goodwill-sweater comfortable.
we aren't as comfortable in real life
but i'm glad we still laugh.
this is the part where i don't bring up the time you told me
my laughter could cure your sadness,
because i'm pretty sure i already put that in another poem,
and it makes me really ******* sad.
did i ever tell you i used to play guitar and piano?
i loved them, but i never tried very hard.
i wanted to be good without having to practice.
i wanted to be good without having to practice.
i wanna meet the girl you write about
so i can ask her how she manages not to love you back.
because i've tried everything & i am so tired.
i forgot this wasn't supposed to be a sad poem.
i'm not good at happy anyway,
i never have been.
but in your absence i've learned a lot about softness.
so if i ever find myself back in your passenger seat,
i won't correct you when you sing the wrong lyrics,
i won't ask why when you take the long way home.
i won't ask you why you don't have your seatbelt on,
i'll just say a silent prayer
and watch for signs that you might be about to swerve.
right now there are eleven empty containers of alcohol in my bedroom,
and i didn't find you at the bottom of a single one.

- m.f.

two months ago i swore i'd rather die than live without you
but recently, it's been scaring me
how much i've been forgetting to think about you

i thought that distance meant
gasping for air and constantly searching
for someone else to fill the empty puzzle piece inside of me
since you weren't there to do it anymore
but the empty space you left behind doesn't feel lonely at all
and i finally feel like i'm allowed to breathe
without the weight of your cruel words around my neck

i admit that i miss the fragments of the person you used to be
and i still get shivers when i hear our song on the radio
or when i reread the letter you gave me for the thousandth time
but i'm not hopelessly in love with you anymore
and i'll never stop thanking you for leaving me
so that i could grow to realize with all my heart and soul
that i don't need to hurt
to feel alive

It still terrifies me when I remember
the moment I swore I would never believe
anyone who said they loved me ever again

At the end of the day, as I lie here
with my pillow soaking wet with tear stains,
words are just meaningless fragments,
and lately I've been feeling like a malnourished plant
desperate for a drop of hope amidst a barren desert

Even though the wounds you caused on my heart
have aged into stronger scars,
I still stand with clenched teeth and a weak stomach
whenever another boy with pretty eyes tells me
I'm his everything

I miss being the bright-eyed girl
who reeked of confidence and wasn't afraid to accept affection
with open arms rather than always keeping them crossed.
I miss feeling invincible, like my heart was unbreakable,
instead of hearing the monotone thump
of what used to live in it

But most of all, what I miss the most
is waking up every day without having to wonder
if your eyes have found someone else's.
I wonder if holding her hand makes your jigsaw heart feel complete.
I was convinced that I was your missing piece,
but I haven't felt whole in the longest time.

Missing you seemed like the biggest mistake I had ever made,
but as I sit here feeling broken and utterly irreparable,
like the frail skeleton of someone I used to be,
I'm starting to think that perhaps,
My biggest mistake was giving away all the love I had stored inside of me
to someone who never even tried to love me
in the first place.

I remember the day you left me as vividly as yesterday
and how I tried to memorize every detail of your face
when we said goodbye, as if I would never see it again,
because I wasn’t sure if I would be able to live
not being able to remember the person I called my home

I used to think of you as my oxygen,
as tightly-sewn thread,  holding me together,
as a half-finished love story,
you were always something that I swore
I couldn’t live without,
you were always the reason I woke up
every morning feeling brand new,
and I wasn’t even sure life would be worth living
without you

but the clock kept on ticking without you by my side,
and I’m learning to let go, you beautiful creature,
I am still learning,
but one day I will understand
and although my heart still stings when I read your letters,
and even though I feel a pang of emptiness
when the air gets cold and I remember
everything about you,

I am learning how to forget you,
we will always be words left unsaid
but maybe things are better this way
(I will live without you)

you say you're addicted to my kisses and when i cry to you you hold me and i know you'll never let go.

your warmth has spread throughout me and thawed my icy interior.  

your persistence scares away my sadness, while your laugh keeps me going and your smile keeps me steady.

i'm selfish enough to keep you to myself and you're selfless enough to let me and sometimes i get a little too upset, but you say it's okay because you get it.

god knows i'm trying for you and i can tell you know too. you've replaced my broken pieces with something better and you're willing to struggle to keep it all together

and i could push you away a million times and you'd come back a million and one more.

i love you more than i love myself and i know nobody will love you like i do,
but of all the people you could've fallen in love with, i apologize that it was me.

You.
You are what once stayed my hand from rage.
You once blocked my lips from every bottle,
with your lips.
You are what once prevented tar from coating my lungs,
and you kept hate from filling my heart.
You once prevented my untimely demise.
You.
You are now every punch I throw and take in return,
You are every ounce of liquor that filters through my kidneys.
You are now every carcinogen I too often inhale,
You still keep my heart from hate,
Because you filled it to bursting with sorrow.
You are what I now follow to my grave.
You.