In desperation
To fill this empty *****
I invented you

I like simple things.
Walking
Breathing
Talking
I don't like simple things that turn into compex things.
Sprinting
Hyperventilating
Arguing
I have a hard time focusing on simplicity when it all changes into complexity without warning.

Hold on.
I have to clean this up.
I don't want your soles to get cut up by my lack of ambidexterity.
I'm right-handed but I thought I'd try this out with my left
And I'm not as deft with it, especially in the moment, but I thought I'd give it a shot anyway.

It's my fault... I don't know how to juggle.

I'm usually good with rotation but
between the dilation of my eyes and the inflation of my ego,
the sensation of being flippant left me in a painted tuxedo

And it's raining...It's been raining.

I'm not complaining but the paint
is running and bleeding; An apotheosis of Leonid Afremov
needing emotional content to prove I exist.

*I don't mean to be like this. I don't want to be like this.

It seems sometimes that depression has no cure,
you just can't be happy and people call you immature.
People just don't seem to realize that this won't go away overnight,
the thoughts and feeling hold onto you so tight.
People always think that everything's for attention,
but what they don't realize is that it's like you are stuck in an invention.
People just don't understand how this really feels,
they think that calling 999 would make all of this heal.
The truth is I am not the person I used to be,
I used to be happy and energetic which you just can't see.
I do my best to hold back and pretend,
like everything's okay and this will mend.
It's easy for people to say you'll get over it,
but they don't realize that all you want to do is quit.
You just can't bring yourself to think about the future,
because in moments like these you count yourself as the loser.
You can't sleep because you think about what happened,
this is not at all as you imagined.
But you know in your heart that you can get through this,
all the bad things that happened you just need to dismiss.
You just have to remember that your not the only person going through this struggle,
you know that you will find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Take my heart,
Crush it
Then feed it to the birds
Pretend that you're helping
Stopping the hurt
Feed my empty soul with words that caress me
Til I burst
You were good at your craft
Obviously rehearsed.

Maybe it won't hurt as much when he leaves
because I am so used to loving him from a distance
Across the hall
Across the room
There is still so much distance even
When he is right in front of me
When my mouth sputters words that try to pull him closer
There is always so much distance
Even when I am pressed against him
With our arms wrapped around each other in a hug
I can never seem to get close enough
But like I said
I am so used to loving him from a distance
I guess a few more thousand miles won't hurt

I used to love drinking and I think you had a thing for vomiting. You were always on drugs, until the end of last summer. From that point on I've only shared one glass of champagne with you. We were both high when we first kissed and neither of us have smoked **** since.

We have been on a much heavier drug from that night on.

(Or at least I like to think so even though you always say you only quit because you can't afford smoking these days)

I decided it's better to live with what you hide from me
How can I ask you to be honest when I won't let you?
What you choose to love is not my right to question
And if it's not me it doesn't mean that I won't love you

You probably thought I'd hurt you over rejecting me
But that's not the man that I want to be
I don't mind crying alone
I don't mind if you know
That's the only way to know how I feel

I decided it's better to help you love the right way
I want you to remember me as a person
And not someone who loved but walked away
Because he couldn't make you worship me

You probably thought I'd never leave you alone
I have to be the kind of man who hears what you say
We have to know when to let go
We have to know when to let it show
That's the only way to make you feel safe inside

I decided it's better to be happy for you
If you love another man then that's the right thing to do
I won't force you to tell it too my eyes
The kind of person you are doesn't hurt someone like that

You probably thought I'd never accept it
I have to quit imagining what you do at night
I know that I loved someone too
I know that I once lied to you
It's time to be strong enough to let you go