Gone are the tails,
the shimmering whales,
gone are the watery sheens,

absent are mermaids
and absent, her trade,
told 'neath the blue and green sea,

quiet are sea maps
and quiet are *****
that conduct and yell and keep time,

silenced are wet niches
and silenced are witches
that spellbind within the dark brine.

But on songs will twirl
in the soul of the girl
that coils the gold strands together,

and beat the drums will
with a pulse in the still
that holds in our young hearts forever.

That's all i've ever wanted,
someone to call my home.

Someone who would stare at me
with love in their eyes.

Someone to hold me,
someone to wake up to.

Someone who would stay up with me
when i'm stuck
with my sleepless routine.

Someone to hug,
someone to love,
someone who would care for me.

Love,
someone to call my home,
that's all i've ever wanted

I waved good bye to the darkness today
Pushed it deep in my closet, and went out in the sun to play
But I was to get a terrible shock
For when I turned the corner, there it was again

It patted me patronizingly on the head
Like a bully of an older sister might do
It took my hand and said
"Come now, enough with the light"

But I didn't want to go back where I'd been before
So I bit and struggled and tried to fight

From in the house, my mom yells
"Let's work on that essay now"
And the battle must be pushed deep down

Silently I drag light and darkness along with me, fingers of them intertwined in my hands, I carry them until my arms fall off and my soul falls out, stare at the soul in front of me, poke it curiously, and see it sparkle with equal parts
sun and shadow

And realize that I spoke too soon
For darkness and light
Are sewn in my soul

As it turns out
Good bye was a lie

Dear darkness, I'd be lying if I said I missed you.

I have a basil plant that sits on my sunniest window sill
It's not really just mine, but I'm the only one who remembers it is there

Day by day, I watch it wilt, stunt and burn
Unable to save it from the my own mind's sudden chill
(And the back of my mind is haunted by echoes of "when you have kids")

It takes in pain
From the darkness I breathe
Together, we will curl up in apathy

But somehow, its pale green stalks just won't give up hope
They stretch their twisted roots deep into the ground
And stake their stand
Clinging to, fighting for their lives
And so too will I

In the numbness, I feel a twinge of guilt
-
Today, I watered my basil plant
Trimmed its leaves
And gave it the love I breathe

It seems that we have both survived this frost and cold,
to grow another day.

I used to brag about the fact that I couldn't swallow pills
even the little orange ones, half the size of my pinky nail, I couldn't do
But now I realize you can do anything if you need it badly enough

"I just don't understand, he seemed like such a nice man!"
I understand
We can do anything
Be the murderer, the mutilator, the savior, the silent
If we need it enough

No, this isn't a happy poem, but neither is life
It's more than just darkness too
More of a whispered warning to hold on tight

That you decide what you need
That you have the power of choice
over what you'll do and where it will lead

I can't tell you what's right
Only remind you
with five words
that you are in charge of your life

*If you need it enough

i'll find myself
in a shattered drumbeat
on the waves of a newfound cry

when the sobbing hits
one ladder rung lower than before
and i decide that my feelings must live or must fly.

I rule my life by my voice of reason

It whispers things like
You're going to die sooner than later
Other people matter more than you
You need to act happy

And when my toddler emotions dare to question why
Reason preys on fear, their weakness
Because otherwise everyone will know the truth

Would that really be so bad?

Always the experimentalist, it calculates
It wouldn't take very long to fall off the window sill
What if we just didn't get up?
The voice of reason whispers
Death, death, death, death

For a voice of reason, it's not very reasonable
It is more a voice of cold, detached apathy
Speaking in lies and flawed logic
I know it is not to be trusted

So then why do I still listen to it?

I didn't have to die
To get my final wish
     That someone would read every poem I'd ever wrote
     And try to understand the lightning storm in my head

All I had to do
was toughen up
(desperate enough)
and ask

I'm still not sure which of the two was the easy way out