I hate you
But love you

Despise you
But adore you

I tried to list your flaws
But instead simply realized your perfections

I want you to be happy
But I can’t stand being so sad

I wish I could forget you
Wish I had never met you

But at the same time,
I can’t imagine anything more upsetting

Than having never had the opportunity
To fall in love you.

was it love or open heart surgery?
i think it'll take me years to find the answer
because well
for years you were my answer
and i'm beginning to learn you don't matter
all that much.
it's strange how something so small
can become something so large
and vice versa,
like how you drove my heart
through the brick wall i've been
staring at for too long
how you woke me back up
how you never said i wasn't enough,
how you loved me more than i've
ever seen someone love another,
until i lost you too many times.
all my strings came undone and
my marbles went rolling and
i had this steady voice in my head telling me
something was missing. reality wasn't real anymore.
this is emptiness and i'm learning to embrace it
this is me yelling at the god i don't believe in
this is tracing the remnants of your veins, like
the roadway map i followed to forget us
this is me meeting the day i met you
i'm shaking my soul so violently maybe
i'll shake you from my memories too

you're always in my head
i close my tired blue eyes at night
i cannot see you
but i can picture you
i close my eyes tighter but your figure is still there
i cannot get you out of my thoughts
i cannot get you out of my head

All day I think.
I think about the "what-if's"
And the "could-be's."
I daydream about you,
About us,
Without having to tiptoe around,
Or having to keep it all hush-hush.
Sipping coffee for hours
And laughing about nothing.

I daydream about the next time
It could be just us.
Looking through old records,
Driving no where for the hell of it,
Still laughing about nothing.

But it's all useless
Cause you do that with someone else
That I could never be.
But we bank on all this lost hope
And for some reason I still daydream about it all.

I still daydream about sipping coffee for hours,
About driving no where for the hell of it,
About looking through old records.
And I've finally learned what I'd been laughing at this whole time.

Me.

Frightened I am
By things that I see
Questions I ask
The things that will be

Alone I am
in this quest for who knows
The words I can't say
The life that I chose

Puzzled I am
By the answers I lack
If courage is nothing
is my life on track?

Saddened I am
By the dreams that I dream
The silence I bring
The internal scream