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Judex Banzuela May 2015
You make my heart crumble into tiny pieces
and oddly, you crush them in a poetic way
that sounded so beautiful.
I was badly hurting but your eyes twinkled
like stars in the dark sky and then I thought,
“Maybe it’s okay.”
Judex Banzuela May 2015
Every time my mind drifts to the thought of you,
it replays all the moments I’ve learned to cherish;
like the day we first met, the day we dove into the deepest and
darkest corners of our minds, and the day you took me on a little adventure in the place you loved most.
And then comes those moments,
I would rather forget;
like those days wherein I watched our connection slowly fade away,
then the day I finally lost you, and finally those days that I spent
denying the fact that I lost you.
The feeling I get when I remember you, is the most bittersweet feeling I had ever felt.
Judex Banzuela May 2015
I am okay
Everything will be alright
But now and then
The weight of his absence
Hits me like a tidal wave
Pulling me in to a sea of memories
Soaking my pillow with salt water tears
And washing me ashore
Where it leaves me
Cold and empty
To once again feel
Warm and safe in his arms
Judex Banzuela Jan 2015
“I ran away from him
For a long time
Through happiness, sorrows, emptiness
that never left me.
And yet this silent voice, insistent:
‘Who do you have but Him?’
All things declare, attract, point to you

And you chased me
During all these years.
How could I resist?

Now I know Lord, I know
You hear my prayers.
I know because I prayed with these words:
‘Please God do not give up on me.’
And you did not.”
Judex Banzuela Jan 2015
i write and edit

draft after draft

but nothing seems

to turn out quite right
honestly I just want

to make sense of things

like whatever happened

between you and me
To the guy I saw last night. Haha.
Judex Banzuela Oct 2014
Are there times when you feel empty? Are there times when you feel tired of doing the same thing over and over again? Are there times when youre just tired of being tired? And you ask yourself, "what's the point of doing these things anyway?"

Suddenly, we catch ourselves doing crazy things. Such as, smoking, drinking, spending too much time with friends, running away from home, running away from school just to escape this crazy world we live in. Just to escape even just for a while.

But still, you realize the moment you wake up that you cant escape it. So you try and try to live. And it feels like living this life is something we just cant escape. It kinda feels like we're required to live. Like we're trapped in a prison's cell.

There are also moments when we feel like we want to end our lives. Every night, we think of ways on how to cut our life line and end our lives. We think of hanging ourselves, cutting our wrists, jumping off the building or maybe drinking pills until we're overdosed.

But most people like us come across of the thought of what will happen if we end our lives today? Will we even make it to heaven after doing such crazy things? Will God even acknowledge us and welcome us after hurting ourselves? After hurting Him?

I am a Christian. I was born in a Christian family. My dad was a leader in church, my brother and sister were an active members of the children's choir and my mom teaches the whole children's choir. I, in the other hand taught children about the Bible and became an active member of the worship team.

However, most of us agree that Christians like me can get depressed, but can Christians get suicidal? I suspect that many in the Church unconsciously believe that Christians do not and should not become suicidal, because suicide is, after all, something that only happens when you lose all hope and dont Christians have the best Hope there is?

I always believed that God absolutely, 100% has the power to heal me of my depression. But during those darkest nights, i didnt believe that God would heal me, even though i knew He could. I never lost hope in Jesus, but i did lose hope for recovery. All i wanted more than anything else was to rest in the arms of my savior.

It was the hardest battle i had ever faced. I lost all hope and faith in God. I rejected all comfort and advice being given by my family and friends. I started isolating myself from the world, my family and especially God.

The temptation to **** myself felt like too much to bear. And so i had two options, to give in to the temptation and commit an irreversible but not forgivable sin, or believe God's promise in 1 Cor 10:13, “God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it”
Judex Banzuela Sep 2014
In life, everything is a choice
To wear pants or shorts
To exercise or to stay fat

Choose to study or slack off
To text back or just ignore
Do a movie marathon or to read a book all day

In life, everything is a choice
And I choose to love you
Even if it is a risk I have to take
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