Everyone talks about depression as if they know it.  

But what they don’t know is that depression is a hooded figure standing just outside of a wooden doorway,

it’s feeling the blood dripping down your skin and having the sick thought of  “Oh, look how beautiful the red is” (they always say red is my color).

Depression is lying on your bed for hours on end, salt tracks lining your face like the scars on your ankles, staring at your ceiling tracing patterns in the paint and accepting death in life with this hole in your chest because death is a reward, an escape from this pain you deserve to feel.

Depression is writing sick poetry on skin and publishing it with scars, cutting on ankles, not wrists because you’re scared you’ll get in trouble but you so desperately need to be seen, and never are.

Depression is writing the word “alone” and seeing the word “home”, accepting the pain like a gift because you deserve it.

Depression is admitting suicidal thoughts to paper and not to people, and loving the broken things, hoping to tie them together, thinking maybe things will get better, but knowing that’s just wishful thinking.

Depression is hearing your mother call you monster and disgusting through the too-thin walls of your door when she thinks you can’t hear, and then telling you to your face that you have no right to cry, as if sadness is a privilege and you’re so pathetic that you don’t deserve it.

Depression is shutting yourself up in your room and hearing your family laughing downstairs because you feel like you can’t be a part of them and learning at a young age to love family always but that family isn’t always love

Depression is wanting to take love and your heart and break them into tiny little pieces and throw them into waves, to throw them away

Depression is a foot when the shoe hasn’t been broken in yet, is you when you haven’t broken life in, is seeing happy people and thinking they all look the same, like the front covers of magazines with smiles reaching their eyes when yours can’t.

Depression is wishing you could package your smiles into tiny little piles and hand them to people more deserving of them because you know you’re wasting them with half-assed lines of “I’m fine”

Depression is having to view your past as if it wasn’t yours, because to accept it as reality is to accept finality of your life through suicide.

Depression is a hooded figure standing just outside of a wooden doorway and when you close the door out of fear it keeps pounding, possessive, ******, and when you open the door out of anger you shout, “I’M SCARED” to thin air but your voice comes out as a whisper.

I oftentimes recall a boy,
To whom all life was simple joy,
Who never let life get him down,
And reached for the celestial crown.

Although inside his heart was broke,
He'd treat life as just a joke.
Good friends he never seemed without-
To see him smile removed all doubt.

One day he ate a box of pills,
And finished with all earthly thrills,
To think of it brings me a chill,
I wish that he was smiling still...

To those people who spend most of their life
surrounded with worldliness its cares and strife
this piece is dedicated it is my duty to convey
without any effort not to I'd be left in dismay.

One should always let know and be willing to confide
through terms of endearment how to get to the other side.
The world is full of confusion, contradictions and the like
it's only through the midst of this chaos homeward we hike.

Home is that place from where we started our journey,have become estranged
by allurements and attachment to the sense objects, our mind is deranged.
Forced into seduction and by ignorance we ride
the crestwave of illusion away from the other side;
while entertaining and playing host to all those desires,
trying to appease an insatiable horde we burn in its fires.

Seldom do we get an inkling of how far we have gone
away from that place in which the light shone;
our ineffable home too bright for the eyes do hide
bewildering, incomprehensible, beyond, just on the other side.

The mind always reflects that with which it is absorbed in,
a double sided transparent mirror through which the soul goes peering.
The soul is infinite in innumerable ways and sets up its own barriers without limit or cost,
intent on finding, due to forgetfulness, that which it appears as to have lost.
Then proceeds experiencing a finite life in an infinite way
through its own misguided power does this creation hold sway.....

Only after gathering enough data does it ever decide
that it has forsaken its real nature back on the other side.
By ignoring the advice of the guiding voice from within,
coming from a higher source, in ignorance do we swim.

When each of us has reached an all time low
or when fate delivers us a gracious blow,
we start thinking about our current situation
and try to make amends with much expectation.

Alleviating the disgrace which upon our soul is a burden,
retracing our steps back towards harmony and freedom
and so live a life of good works pleasing the Eternal Witness
satisfying our highest conscience the inner voice of stillness.

With each progressive step forward in the right direction we take
an ever increasing joy and peace in our mind and heart we make.
Helping all those who come across our path to be
confident in themselves and just a little more free;
to achieve whatever they cherish or happen to bide
while we continue our journey toward the other side.
By observing a steady discipline daily we find
most things can be accomplished dear in mind.

We can't easily get to the other side with a heavy load
as there already are many unseen obstacles on that road.
We all have each somehow to travel different distances
depending where we start from in current circumstances.
So let's make haste and all acknowledge our aim
that whether we like it or not our goal is the same.

There are many of us here having to play a unique part
when considering others' welfare show a little more heart.
In matters of relationship we should never try and hide
that which to our advantage helps us get to the other side.

Yet when we give with all our heart its from the other side
without any selfish motives or thoughts of gain to hide
we gradually reveal our real nature and true guide
which is realized unmistakably as being the other side.

What happens when we all live to one-hundred?
I am expecting more wrinkles than I have now,
A year before, at ninety-nine.
I've lived for so long,
Death shall I make it past that hundred mile mark?
I feel so tired in these days of Fall,
I'm wilted, I think, like untended petunias,
Like leaves scalding in the midday sun.
My wife is long gone,
My wife I loved and made love to,
Well past the age of fifty,
She died at sixty-one,
I sit remembering,
My time alone.
This horde of trees reflect exactly how I feel,
This decaying oak,
The willow tree caving in,
The bent, broken sycamore tree,
It's branches growing towards earth,
Weighed down, like me with heavy sins.
Butterflies flew now, the kind rare to winter,
Like old people having their slow, careful version of ***,
You might not want to watch it,
You who are young,
You who are convinced,
That when it comes to old age, an exception will be made.
But they still want to do it,
Weird love is better than no love at all.
                                                                     -**Firefly

Normalicy is living up to a bigger name
Unattainable in all the right ways
A bitter sweet dream that you can't help but
Reach for.

It is a false sense of security on a "normal" day
And the crushing weight when something goes wrong
Knowing you'll never be normal
As long as you worry

Anxiety is your least favorite friend
But somehow your closest
It’s a title you try to wear proudly
Claiming “titles don’t define me”

But somehow the symptom list consumes you
With every “please don’t do that”
And you’re sinking deeper with “it’s not that big of a deal”
You’re drowning when they do it anyway

Anxiety is a trigger list longer than a prescription name
And missed phone calls everyone’s used to
Knowing you’re the disappointment as plans fall apart
A broken heart when they just quit calling

It’s  your ticking time bomb on when you’ll be fired
When people will leave and you don’t try to convince yourself that they wont anymore
Because everyone does
It’s easier to leave than to help and to understand

It’s the toxic part of you that you try to hide
Cover it with bandaids
And hope they ignore the radioactive poison through your veins
And you’re just trying to feel like you’re not poision

It’s an IM box that understands and a parent that doesn’t
Knowing you’re not alone but feeling it anyway
Because when you’re choking for air and getting weird stares
You’re alone

And for that second when your genes mashed up, that boy was blank
A clean canvas, a selfless portrait, a plane with no industry, who he was for eternity.
Revolutions from within me burst like a bipolar hormonal abomination
Of catastrophic cacophony and discorded anguish, sunlit by the good times
And slightly obscured through tired, teary eyes...
All to be swallowed back into the abysmal sinful cesspool of simple
Cyclical cynical shriveled up and seemingly plentiful
EMPTINESS, where I'm inevitably spit.

Dreaming? Floating in sarcasm, feigning a figure
Shivering with the bonechill that is the outside world
Can't quite remember the last time I woke up or why
Everything is a bit too bright for me to focus correctly...
A bit jittery, a bit sluggish, all suspicious, subtly vicious
Listless and without bliss and sunkissed and unmissed
******* and ******, no goals, don't even have an interest
These troubling times are demonized, where's the exorcist?

Soft ripples in the air bless my ears with wet lips
The pulse setting hammers me into the ground in steaming silence
Some people go their whole lives without ever hearing the call
Hedonism and nihilism are more attractive to us all.
Dust devils spinning in an empty chest cavity
Throwing themselves over mountains in shame
Whisper in harmony to me to be nobody
Go through my life without playing the game...

Pick through these bones, you'll find grey hair and utility bills
Whether you live in South Central or Beverly Hills
You're beginning to see that we're all alone and desperate
Searching for that person we can stare in the eyes and say,
"I'm just like you. You are a part of me. I want to **** you. I want you to be me.
I love you, I need you, and if you dare go, I will bleed myself blue."
I want to shed every wall, I want to quit hiding behind words
Let the arrows rain and shadows lift to confine me in this verse.

I grow up in a place that has a lot of blood
Every where you walk by is a hole of blood
bombs everywhere , gunfire sound, people head's
flying in the ear.
Can't see anything because of the dark ear that flow by.
Lost in the wonderland of darkness.
Don't know the direction in her country
people bother her , judge her and laugh at her .
All because she didn't know what's going on .
She went to school only for 5 years , then she quit school ,
because of the killing in her  country and in front of her eyes .
Aylin lefted her country behind and moved on to U.S.A
to have an adication , her dream is to be a soccer player .
Aylin went to school called fugees Academy , witch is soccer program
she's a soccer player but she's fighting for her dream to come true one day :)

A blade just to see if I can bleed out my love for you and though it's never worked before, it's a lesson I keep on faking.
A promise I keep on breaking.
A mistake I keep on making.
Listen closely you can hear my heart breaking too.
My soul screaming.
My life.
Begging.
One minute you're right here next to me and the next we're miles apart.
Not even faith brings you back to me anymore.
If I could leave my baggage in the lost luggage department of a far away place I'd have shipped it there already.
But I can't.
And I can't warp time.
I'm not a scientist.
I'm just a messed up concoction of scarred flesh and weary bones.
Hold me.
Before you leave me, hold me.
**** me so I'll never feel again the pain of not having you here.
If this is where you end our chapter, this is where you end my life.
I've been here before I know I can do it again.
I just don't want to.
I try to carry us forwards but you can't stop looking back.
That's not where we're going.
That's not where we're at.
And you can walk away but we'll only end up lost.
And in the process of losing ourselves we'll always find each other.
And maybe you'll replace me with some other lover.
But the way we feel about each other will always be more than we can feel for another.
And I'll never recover.
Just like I never did.
I'll never get over you and I won't ever quit.
I can't quit you, I never could.
And if I could fix all your pain, put your heart back together, I would.
But I'm trying.
God knows I'm trying.
I'm trying to live but it feels like life is just for dying.
Let me die with you.
Please.
If you walk away from me.
Please
Take my life with you.
Please.
If you can breathe without me, please.
Breathe.