Wherefore
Am I here
What
Should I feel
I'm like driftwood
Amongst wuthering foaming waves
Upon which
Time is floating past myself
While I
Try
To catch it and to
Retain
But
It slips out of my hands
How
Will it continue
Where
Will it end
Why
Am I so blank
I want to refill with
Dreams, colours, ideas
You
Are so far away and
Still
Deep inside my soul
Tied
Just let me alone
Hold
Me

too
cold
in
here

too

*******




cold












.

Es ist Unsinn
sagt die Vernunft
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe

Es ist Unglück
sagt die Berechnung
Es ist nichts als Schmerz
sagt die Angst
Es ist aussichtslos
sagt die Einsicht
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe

Es ist lächerlich
sagt der Stolz
Es ist leichtsinnig
sagt die Vorsicht
Es ist unmöglich
sagt die Erfahrung
Es ist was es ist
sagt die Liebe


It is nonsense
says reason
It is what it is
says love

It is misfortune
says calculation
It is nothing but pain
says fear
It is what it is
says love

It is ridiculous
says pride
It is careless
says caution
It is impossible
says experience
It is what it is
says love

running
breathing
racing
gasping
step
after
step
after
step
after­
step
running
blurry world
fading
running
hurrying
trying
to catch
blurry world
fading
running
.echoes
in ears
loud.
.tears
in eyes
bitter.
.sweat
on skin
moist.
.paranoia
in brains
screaming.
running
breathing
too slow
too fast
too exhausted
too tired
running
breathing
r
u
n
n
i
n
g
breathingbreathingbreathing­breathing
n  o   a  i  r   l  e  f  t
no air right no air above no air below

running through vacuum
?
vacuum running through
you
?


just run and run and run and run
runrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun


too


l

            a



       t




                                              e

Please be aware:

Everything I say similar to:

"i don't want to be myself, it's so hard, it hurts, too tired, just don't want to be in this moment and at all times"

is the strongest biggest loudest most intense and powerful
YES
to life I could shout out

Let me explain what those words expressed by my brain mean to my
heart:

I don't want to be the person any more that I am right now
It's so hard to stand everything this person represents
It hurts, everything she feels, too often and for too long
So I don't want to be in such moments of grief and pain and feeling dead inside never no more

Instead:

After years and years of waiting and persevering
I want
LIFE. to. get. finally. started.
I want a
Change
I want to learn how to be another person
The real me
Instead of a negativist-conducted marionette
I want to EXPERIENCE a lot
A lot a lot a lot a lot
There are so many beautiful things on earth
So I want to learn to open these tired eyes
I want to have a positive impact on
Other people

I want to BE
Free
and
Alive


(And I like one sentence which is written by Mary-Elizabeth Cotton: "before I die, I want to learn to live!")

how much can you Miss someone
how much can you Reject someone
how much can you Hurt someone
how much can you Love someone
how much can you Search for someone
how Blind can you be
how long can you just say "Someone"
how long can you miss someone
without recognizing it
without Recognizing him
how long can you just Miss yourself
what if someone IS yourself
what if someone misses you too
what if someone loves you too
what if someone tells you
i love you
what if you give the wrong answer
what if someone forgives you
everything
what if you finally
recognize
whatifTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU

Voiceless rain, observer of the crazy world out there, circles and circles, rises and sinks but without disappering. This is life, maybe, always going on, not knowing in which place, but some place exists.

wish
i
could
be
                        deaf


to
not
hear
all
th­is
                        silence


it
is
like
                 ­       walls


from
freezing
biting
seething
liquid
             ­           nitrogen


deep
under
the
                        skin­


walls
which
burn
out
                        life


by
impriso­ning
every
fragment
of
one
shattered
                        soul­


wish
i
could
be
                        insensitive


to
this
­painful
agony
of
                        being


please


blow
my­
ears
away
with
                        silence


then
i
will
fin­ally
be
                        deaf


please


torture
my
soul
w­ith
excruciating
                        pain


then
i
will
final­ly


be













                                           (not)

Who are you?   - I was a cheerful child.
Who Are you?   - I will be myself.
Who ARE you?  - What would life be
                                 without mysteries?

Morning: recommencement
                             of the same Mourning

teach me to sleep
and wake me up when time
awakens
when it stops, sleepwalking
r u n n i n g    a   w    a     y

sunlight finally closes its pervasive eyes
day's brightness fades

blurred and indistinct sentiments are drifting through your wandering mind
all shrouded in this overall languorous darkness
warming you, up to your core

your tired and heavy body is resting in your steadfast bed
wrapped up in this cosy protective blanket
warming you, up to your core

gently close your droopy eyes
fleet glances turn to profound thoughts
deep
and deeper

weightless particels of distant foreshadowing dreams pour in
weaving you into a strange but yet familiar world of boundless adventures

sleep offers you its shoulder to lean on
a vague feeling of
f l o a t i n g    a   w    a     y

safe

Don't shout at me I can't shout back
Futile undertaking in the absence of own language
My language is hush, my shouting at most whispering
Without air

WHAT the heck is going on with you, not able to make use of yourself of others, just totally hollow, you are off your rocker, not even knowing what to do with YOURSELF, that's foolish!
So? What do you want to do now? To get angry with yourself, to swallow down, to kick into the air, the usual stuff?
Somehow despicable, don't you think? Ridiculous, by no means at all as you want to be, right?
You know what? Its up to YOU!
Exactly.... a bit slow on the uptake?

imagine you are sick
cold
alone
sitting in a coolish train
lonesome
thinking of your soulmate
somewhere
train departs
scenery flahing by
thoughts flashing by
too numb to cry
ice-cold nausea
smile on the lips
eyes closed
searching for rest
music on
your song playing
promising solace
pulls and drags on my inside
intense
consuming
i'm holding on tight
too numb to cry
searching for rest
smile on the lips
don't want a song
but a warm embrace
too far away
too far
away
and distant
scenery passing by
thoughts passing by
inside passing by
too fast
too agitated
not tangible
elusive
too numb to cry
ice-cold nausea
smile on the lips
far
away

(original: )
stell dir vor du bist krank
kalt
alleine
sitzt in einem unterkühlten zug
einsam
denkst an dein seelengeschwisterkind
irgendwo
zug fährt los
vorbeisausende landschaften
vorbeisausende gedanken
zu taub zum weinen
eiskalte übelkeit
lächeln auf den lippen
augen geschlossen
ruhe suchend
musik an
lied von dir
trost verheißend
zieht und zerrt in mir
heftig
verzehrend
klammere mich fest
zu taub zum weinen
ruhe suchend
lächeln auf den lippen
will kein lied
sondern eine warme umarmung
zu weit weg
zu weit
weg
und fern
vorbeisausende landschaften
vorbeisausende gedanken
vorbeisausendes inneres
zu schnell
zu bewegt
nicht greifbar
flüchtig
zu taub zum weinen
eiskalte übelkeit
lächeln auf den lippen
weit
weg