I am from stories
Stories and fantasies woven by my cousins and I
With characters we built on ourselves
In worlds of our own, the only rules of our making

I am from hurt
From chronic depression and panic attacks
Too scared to be open or to not be alone
With parents who cared, but didn't know what was wrong

I am from care
From a therapist after four years of needing one
From connecting to people as lost as me, holding their hands
Being an anchor in the hellscape we share

I am from being queer
Having a crush on my best friend and not knowing where to go
Not feeling the label of "woman" fit
Scared to be hated for being myself
Hating myself, but knowing I shouldn't

I am from acceptance
Accepting myself as I am
And leaving those who could not accept me
Making way for the person I want to become for myself
Rising to be my own

I am from stars
From looking up with wonder every clear night
From never seeing a sky that wasn't beautiful
And if the sky can be so open and free
Then maybe so can I

I am from myself, and the story I write
Hoping one day to be healed in mind
Hoping to someday find the sky and stars in someone else
Regardless of gender, or anything else
I will be okay and I will be happy

I thought I never could fight back
It slowly turned my world to black
Depression was a cage of bars
Now all that’s left is the scars

I spent years locked away
After time my will decayed
I never dared to take a stand
Too scared to take a helping hand

I don’t think I’ll ever forget
The silence that I still regret
Locked inside my cold abyss
A lonely world free of bliss

But now I can sound the alarm
And I can speak, my mind disarm
These years of pain I can’t take back
But I could dodge the next attack

It took forever but I have learned
That my courage hasn’t burned
I know the scars may never fade
But I don’t have to take that blade

It’s just easy for them
Isn’t it?
This couple on the train.
They walked on laughing together
Holding hands
And I felt that familiar something-
Not jealousy
Not envy
But...
Chagrin.
Astonishment.
Incredulity.
Incomprehension.
Looking at them feels like looking at one of those
Impossible pictures
Where the stairs keep going forever in a loop.
It’s just
Easy for them.

It doesn’t hurt anymore, that thought,
But thinking it feels so odd in my mind
When I can’t imagine loving someone without
Shame,
Without pain.
They fit.
These people,
They fit without having to carve anything out.
They fit without punishing each other.
They fit like puzzle pieces cut from the same board-
No worries, they just go together, and that
Is that.
They fit like
“Of course.”
Like breathing.
Neatly.
Simply.
Carelessly.

I can’t imagine what it’s like
I can’t comprehend it-
To fit
Somewhere
Much less to fit somewhere
With someone.
I am always trying to corset myself into this world,
Lungs burning,
Trying to remain small enough to squeeze by
Catching myself by the wrist to keep from reaching
For anything.
And if there seems to be a spot where I might be able to exist as I am

It is always

Occupied.

Like a shiny pinprick
That thought hurts-
Not like the others it is newly cut
And still ******.
The idea that maybe there is a home for me
And that maybe I was too late for it.

They’re laughing.
He says something clever,
Passes a hand along the small of her back
And she leans into it,
Smiling because she loves that he wants to touch her innocently.
They seem to exist behind glass.
Not for the first time I wonder
If I could just slip into that life
Like a drop into an ocean
I want it badly
I want it stupidly
And I examine all the parts of myself,
All the edges and cracks,
All the things I’ve worked so hard to protect and repair.
It is not a welcome sight-
I am not a home
I am like an old ruin
Full of murmurings and cold spots
Full of dusty sunlight.
I sigh,
Knowing the secret I keep so poorly-
That if I really had a choice to be otherwise
I would have already made it.

I couldn’t reach them if I ran for a thousand years,
They are too far away.
They walk off the train, arms linked
Talking about nothing
And I watch them go
Like a hallucination,
Like a mirage in the desert.

Her perfume smells like forgetfulness
And it lingers.

I miss what we had
cuddling on the couch
talking for hours
waiting all night for the
sun to rise
sometimes I mistake
all of this
for missing him
I do not miss him
I miss the memories we made
you must think i’m awful
for saying that
I do not miss someone
that I used to love
more than anything
but in between
all the good memories
he slowly killed me
he was very controlling
and always angry
sometimes I choose
to forget those things
so I can remember the good
and actually
smile

Oh, the things these pages see
When trapped between these covers
Anger, hatred, love and peace
And often many others

They see my fire and my ice
My nightmares and my dreams
They listen to me, pondering
They listen to my screams

These pages feel for me
They take away my pain
My bones the paper, blood the ink
That never leaves a stain

These pages are so patient
They’ll never let me down
But, though they listen, they don’t speak
Or tell me how to turn around

They do not understand me
Although they listen well
They help me understand myself
And help my demons quell

They ask me who I want to be
I ask them what is wrong with me?
They say to be like others are
You can't become a faulty star
There's no way that you'll get that far
Be a doctor, be a nurse
Be a dentist, drive a hearse
A poet? please, you can't do worse
You can't make money just with verse

They ask me how I sympathize
With tear-stained faces, bloodshot eyes
Those who struggle with goodbyes
And quiet ones who analyze
Or far too much, apologize
They ask me how I am so wise

I say that I just talk to them
Find the lovely, hidden gem
But first, I say, I don't condemn
You are you and I am me
That is all we have to be
If we strive to be much more
We fight our own internal war
Don't be something for another's sake
Learn to dream when you're awake
Remember you're your own snowflake

They ask me
What makes you happy?
I answer short of patience
And just a little snappy

I say that sometimes nothing can
Like leaping out of fire
Just to land in the pan
I feel just as permanent
As lines in the sand
Hurting on the inside
I just don't understand

And other times I feel fine
As if the sun remembered
How to shine
It's like depression just forgot
How to poison every thought
Or pull my fragile heartstrings taut
And shatter every dream I sought

But I don't say this all out loud
In front of one big jeering crowd
Or with friends or all alone
Or even when I'm safe at home
I look into their eyes and say
Don't worry, friend, I'll be okay

I don't want someone
to fall in love with the person
I'm pretending to be