Three days ago I started a journey of self help.
I started a journey of discovery
And, I'm not ready.
Three days ago I began taking anti-depressants.
Three days ago I stopped sleeping through the night.
Three days ago I got migraines that made me want to empty my stomach.
Three days ago I started a journey.
Why?
Because I can't deal with myself.
I can't deal with rejection and the pressures of day to day life.
I can't deal with the ideals and standards of other people.
I can't deal with the judgment.
I can't deal with the ***** looks.
I scrub my skin raw when I think of the look she gave me.
The mother of the man I love.
The man I adore.
Her eyes pierced through me.
And no matter what, a wound will be there.
Zoloft is not a quick fix.
It is a gateway to a way that I might be sane.
Maybe it will work.
Just maybe.
I can wish on a hundred thousand stars of things I need.
But this world only gives me the things I don't need.
I don't need the constant reminder that I am failing my body.
I don't need to be told I am mean.
I don't need to be told that I cause misery.
I don't need to be told that I'm making the wrong the choices in my relationship.
I don't need to be reminded that I am unwelcome, because you are close minded.
When I feel all those things I remember a younger me.
A me that was searching for something.
Anything.
I tried everything.
Even God
But there are some things that even He can't fix.
I was told growing up that depression wasn't real.
Well honey, it's all...right...here.
I am blamed by something I can't control.
How would that make you feel?
Three days ago I started a journey that I should have never stopped.
Three days ago I decided to do this for me.
Three days ago I started the search for a little girl who hoped and dreamed.
Three days ago I started the journey to regain my joy.
My hope.
Three days ago I started something.
Just for me.