Today I'm 62
I'm cleaning house
because there's not
much else to do.
I come across a
rusted tin
pristine within
this old 8mm film.
It snaps and crackles
as it plays
reminding me
of other days.
This was me
different name,
different face,
running all around
the place.
I was the "In jun",
he was the "Cowboy",
that old 6 shooter
was his favorite toy.
It's hard to believe
that was ever me.
Where did I get
all that energy?

I decided I want her.  she that with a raise of an eyebrow can give me a good day or a bad day.

I'll take her piercing eyes and that smirk, you know, the small laugh that she gives me when she thinks I'm being ridiculous or the flash of anger that tells me the subject is over, ended.

I'll take her lips, full and so soft against my brow,  along with her sweet voice that tells me everything's going to be OK when I am not always sure it will be.

I'm OK thinking about it now, but when she walks into the room,
I can't breathe, her beauty blinds me and I'm surrounded on all sides and at that very moment there's nothing in the world but her

My words have lost all meaning since  you left
I've absolutely no more passion and
I can no longer count all the times I've wept

I have more tears than words these days
it's like all my words have dried up
who needs words anyway
give me liquid courage in a cup

Am I still a poet? I don't know
or were my words all spent
and you took them as you went

I'm alone now and I ponder
can anyone still hear me I wonder
she spilled all my ink when she left
me standing here bereft.

AM I STILL A POET??????????

You told me you
like poems about
water. I couldn't
help but grin.
I guess I have
a ***** mind
But making
you wet would
be so sublime.
But I quickly
changed my
expressions
And put my mind
to writing a
poem that would
Mesmerize.
The waves
washing up
lapping at
the sand
Seemed a good
place to start
Of course the
oceans always
in command.
It's strong
That body
of water is
fierce as it
pounds the shore,
I knew you'd
like that part
because a really
good pounding is
hard to ignore.
The wetness of
the ocean is a
cool spray that
engulf every grain
of sand at least
that's what they say.
With every individual
grain being Caressed
by the sea, I don't
know about you but
I kind of wish that
was me. ;)

Time to put my armor on
the enemy approaches
and this won't be fun.

Time to put my armor on
She'll be clad in armor of fire
Girded in the knowledge of
every one of my wants,
needs and desires.

Time to put my armor on
Equipped with the sword
of allure she'll cleave my
heart and they'll be no cure .

Time to put my armor on
and March myself to war
it's hard to fight an enemy
that I adore.

I could never sleep through the birds,
every morning it was the first thing I heard.
They would sing their chaotic songs,
greeting each other as the day moved along.
They took no notice of people walking and
cars didn't bother them, they just kept squawking.
I couldn't go back to sleep no matter how hard I try.
the birds had much to say and they wouldn't be denied.
First stop the balcony, to listen to the call to pray
it got to where without it I couldn't start my day.
Getting ready to go, shoes lined up neatly by the door,
because we didn't wear shoes inside on the floor.
Finally on to the Little Cafe for çay and pastry
I missed the food there, it was always so tasty.
I could drink çay (tea) until I floated away.
Just sit there and watch the cats as they played.
I spent 30 days in Istanbul Türkiye that year
with friends that I'll always hold dear.
I've fond memories of çay, the birds and the balcony
May Allah always continue to bless me.

lavender ribbons
from your hair
lay against
the pages
I love to read
so much
and as I turned
the pages
the smell
of your hair
makes me
love the words
even more
as I envision
our last touch.
Such was ours a
bittersweet
journey
which was so
impossible
for me to
disembark
because my darling
for me you were
a romance story
but for you I wasn't
even a bookmark.

Breaking apart
your verbal
sledgehammer
demolishes me
words that crush
all that I am
all that I thought
while I try to find
rhyme or reason
for the assualt.

Broken down
As floods of malice
pour out from wounds
I could not see
in you, from you
I am broken
beyond repair
It's only cold now
now that I see
you no longer care.

Break through, a must
to breath.
I deconstruct
everything I am.
It's no longer of import
why you eviscerated
me with your words
why you left me
as you did.
In the end
you didn't love me
was what occurred.

the sights and sounds
where the nightlife abounds
a thousand people screaming
"just one more round!"

the drunks, the punks
the pushers and their drugs
the crooks and the thugs
all part of the nightlife
they all creep out after twilight.

All of this when the city sleeps
with the crime and the grime
it's enough to make you weep as
you wade through it knee deep.

but like a promise morning
always comes, the sun shines
flowers bloom and children play
because in the city it's just
another day.

Can I want to be
Oh so much like you
Maybe instead of who I am
Easily able to walk away
Beyond even giving a ****
Always ready to open or
Close any old door I choose
Kicking to the curb
Those I deem mere refuse
Of course then you wouldn't
Matter as much as now you do
Existing without you surely I'd be blue

I move through my days
no method in my motion
aimlessly drifting
my life, only
chaos and commotion.
when you left
I lost my north star
my path is askew
I am dying inside
and I don't know
what to do.

The nights are the worst
I lie in my bed
grasping my pillow
stroking it as if it
were your head
all
tangled in sheets
that should be our
hands and feet
just praying I'll
dream of us
once it becomes dusk.

It seems at night
time goes by fast
dreams of us together
never seems to last.
Before you know it
the day starts and then
I begin to miss you
all over again.

NO exact
measurement
will do
because
my Poetry is truly
immeasurable
sometimes
heartbreaking
other times
pleasurable.

You definitely
    want to
Start with passion
mix it with loss
a dash of pain
from her deceit
        with
a pinch or two
of how
I paid the cost.

Blend in tears
we wouldn't want
it to be
       D R Y
toss that together
with all the
hundreds
of Times I asked
her WHY?!?

Poetry needs to sit
i n s i d e  and Rise.
each new batch is a
Learning experience
and bound to make
You W I S E

Your sand, my waves
you're every grain
hotter than one
can possibly explain.
my water
trickles to you
at first
just to tease
increasing
in urgency to aid
in your release.
before too long
my waves
crash against you
covering the ****
of your land
caressing it in it's
beautifully long span.
my wetness envelopes you as
I bury you in the splashes
applying wet thudding lashes
I pound your hot surface
with all that is my waves
because in the end it's only
you that I crave.

In the estates a baby cries.
In the streets a young man dies.
In the alleys they'll sell you drugs.
In the schools kids now use guns.
In the world there's so much need
Why won't the government intercede?

Dust coats a globe
long left un-spinned
thick lairs of neglect
mirrored also within.

High on a shelf
surrounded by books
I can spot Türkiye
with only a quick look.

She is there, yanno,
she who holds my
heart in her hands
6000 miles away in
a whole different land.

As I dust off the layer
of neglect I think back
to how it felt to kiss
her neck.

I close my eyes and give
it a spin to make sure
it still works (and take
my mind of how I was
such a ****.)

Like the globe I didn't
take the best care of
her. I didn't listen
to what it was she
preferred.

Now, I'm here with my
books, my quills and
my dusty, barely
spinning worlds. Alone
writing bad poetry and
missing that special
girl.

The clock ticks on the wall
I think back to a time when
I used to feel so small.
Back in those times
I used to let myself
get dragged down
usually only wore
creased eyebrows
and frowns.
Now I'm stronger
I can fly at times
all alone I smile
rather than cry.
Experience more
laughter than sighs.
appreciate the times
as they go by.
How did this happen
you ask curious.
I started by smiling more
stopped taking everything
so serious.
Practicing being grateful also
helped me to be kind
rather than
seeing only on my pain inside.
The hardest part was letting go
of all the Toxic people in my life
I thought I needed,
who I used to beg to stay
to the point I pleaded.
I thought I needed them
to make me whole
when loving myself
should have been the goal.
Now I'm a do-er
Not a downer
A smiler, not a frowner.
I put myself first
and practice self care
and I don't miss how I was
back then and there.

I'm on the edge of something great!

I always seem
to be on the edge
sharp blade,
shard of glass,
cliff's ledge.

There's no place
to grab on
no path or foothold
should I choose
to make any move,
to be so bold.

Edges
are an odd thing
one can
plummet wildly
or spread
your wings.

I close my eyes
and feel the choice
am I in danger?
am I overjoyed?
Hanging haphazardly?
Or delicately poised.

The amount of balance
is mine to determine
am I teetering on disaster?
or leaning forward to fly?
One things for certain
I won't know unless I try.

everyday
you explode
into my brain
I don't want to
sound crazy
because
it's not like
I'm insane.
It's just
every piece
of you is
embedded
into me like
shrapnel from
an explosion
where you
blew apart
and became
permanently
embedded into
my heart.

your silhouette
bleeds
a background
of tears
inside me and
flowing out
of me the
pain of ages
held in rages
my soul in cages

your handprint
touchless
yet pushes me
to the
breaking point
like stapled glass
no true fix
for the pieces
you've left me in
broken child
meek and mild
none the wild

your empty boot
doc martens
though maybe
endlessly
crushes me
my will ground
under such
an empty
sole as you
what shall I do
but wait
for
the other boot
to drop
imprint lies
self despies
no big surprise

why can't I see
you are
what I have
built you to be
an empty form
an ink-less print
a weightless step
all kept alive by me
fake anatomy

The Moon lights the path in the sand where
you walked. Water fills those footprints like
sand filled cups. I could drink from those sole
shaped sandy prints knowing you once stood and
created those indents.

I watch the waves dance against your legs
as your smile stretches as wide is the beach
I try to pull you to me like a life raft
But your beauty is too out of reach.

The water is crisp and cool to touch
As it caresses every grain of sand
You skirt swirls as you dance among the waves
it's clear that it's you the land craves.

I want someone I cannot have.
same story, different tale.
time spent with her, I'm elated
time apart, a bitter hell.

I want someone I cannot have.
her beauty takes my breath away
but she belongs to someone else
it be unconscionable to stay.

I want someone I cannot have.
so I try to turn and go
but every fiber of my being
just screams, "NO".

I want someone I cannot have.
this will **** me in the end
so I'll try to flip the script
and make her just a friend.

one step at a time
right, left, right
ignore the mind talk
keep moving forward
right, left, right
feel the pain
but don't
run back for more
right, left, right
your heart is breaking
she left it torn
no looking back
right, left, right
your tears may flow
you'll want her back
but remember her words
and how they hurt you
right, left, right
days will pass
yet time marches slowly
why does she call me?
don't call her!
right, left, right
doesn't she even miss me?
I missed her so much!
things might get better
with one more try
right, left, right
where am I?
you've moved on
forward movement
right, left, right

I am fragile
falling
and breaking
over and over
I reach out to
lovers
who have left
for another.
I feel
I'm drowning
emerged in
lost hopes
confused and
reciting old
and forgotten
tropes.
My trauma
is real
fostering
multiple
heartbreaks
often I feel
there's
not much more
I can take.
Inside I feel
pushed and pulled
she left me
in the night
once again a fool.
I wonder
if I'll ever
be what
someone needs
their true love
the only one
they want to
please.

frost forms snowflakes which
falls slowly not anxiously
fearlessness so differently
from how falling for you was
for your frosty days burn me
from the inside out as I
fell much too fast.

my heart erupts
in a volcano
of disappointment.

she's gone.
there was no lava,
no ground quaking,
just a thud then
hot flowing tears

it's more like I jumped
into the gaping hole
left in her absence.

There's a world outside my window
but my drapes are pulled closed tight
I don't wish to go outside my room
even though I know it isn't right.

My world is solemn since you left
my days spent lying in this bed as
I try so desperately to get you
out of my head.

You're just a green dot on a screen
while I sit here on Instagram on my own
waiting for a word, any word, to know
I'm not all alone.

I wonder will I be this way forever
living in this tomb that once was my bed
I want to forget about you, but I love you
so I cannot seem to get you out of my head.

The sun is shining outside and it's a
beautiful sight to see, I wish I could
make myself want to be out there all
footloose and fancy free.

But my soul just wants you and there's
no substitute to be found, the world
is all in shades of grey with out
you around.

Oh what a pain is heartbreak, what a
sharp knife within. I don't feel anything
anymore. I'm an imposter here inside
my own skin.

my constant
companion
from day to day.
You might think
it does but
it never really
goes away.
It gets quieter,
It gets slower,
but eventually
it will always
come rushing back
like the sea
crashing into
the shore.
I have to ask
myself
are happy endings
merely folk lore?

I close my eyes
and remember.
my face wet with
salty tears
that sting.
Grief
Loss
I find myself wishing
memories of you and I
would make me smile
not cry with the
happiness it would
bring.

The simple truth
is I miss us,
you and me
the walks in the park
the laughter,
the children playing.
Yes, our times
together
always made me
feel so free.

I can't stand the rain
against the roof
tapping out the tune
of my failures of the past
reminding me how you promised
our love would last

I can't stand the birds
how their shrill voices unite
in a high pitched mocking laugh
reminding me of the lonliness,
now my daily path.

I can't stand the river
the bubbling brook
the sounds of life without you
remind me that I have nothing
no happy times left
because of everything you took

You step out from the dark
the moonlight baths you.
Reflections dance against
your silky skin calling
out to me once again.

I find it impossible
to describe the way your
slow deliberate movements
mesmerizes and hypnotizes.

I watch you
and I try to breathe
but you've stolen the
air from my lungs
along with my heart beat.

You float towards me
Indescribable
like the Mona Lisa
or precious art
a look that cannot
be described because
the explanation is lost
in the viewer's eyes.

The same moonlight
that bathes you
surrounds me and
I'm so very lost in my own
desires that can no longer
remain secret with you
flaming their fires.

I can't make sense of my
normal rhymes and I'm frozen,
a prisoner in your time.
Words won't express my lust
and my ink dries
and crumbles to dust.

I raise my eyes to yours
hoping to be found
you open your flood gates
and I began to drown.

The world stops.
I'm lost now, so many years
of you playing with my soul
bathing in my tears.

By now, you're so close
I could touch you
But you know I'll never try
I can't move, or look away
I'm lost within your eyes.

I tremble for release
I quake in your proximity
Can't you see my darling
what you are doing to me?

We're different her and I.
I try to understand her
but cannot, no matter how
hard I try.

She is so beautiful
with long raven hair
she also is a perfectionist
which I suppose is neither
here nor there.

In school she was always
class president
the smartest kid &
to her parents truly
god sent.

She has a temper though
and she always thinks
she's right and wise
you will rarely see her
admit fault or apologize

I am a poet, and I'd say
she is a warrior
She's bold and cunning
she could easily have been
a lawyer.

She has a soft side
don't get me wrong
she has 2 children she adores
and she's raised them to
be strong

I love her but we probably
won't make it to the end
she doesn't understand
when I'm emotional
but still tries to be
my friend.

I'll miss her when she is gone
which inevitably she will
someday flee but I'll remember
her as steadfast, strong
and courageous as one could
ever be.

She leaves bruises
like galaxies on my heart.
I look at her and I feel
the distant stars in her eyes,
pulling me into her orbit.
Is the fact that I'm falling
in love with her any big
surprise?

She's the morning sun, and
the evening star that shines
and whose light guides my way.
She comes and goes like a
streaking comet, although
I wish she'd always stay.

She is my night and when I'm
in her space I can hardly breathe,
her kiss steals all the oxygen. It's
an attraction with no reprieve.

She pulls me to her and breaks
my gravity, I can taste the
Stardust floating off her skin,
her breath steals mine and I'm
lost in in her constellation
making my head spin.

She finally releases me to dream
another day, of her and stars
and galaxies and head spinning
constellations oh so far away.

Her words cut
like knifes
each syllable
painted now in
hindsight's hue.

Of what's been
lost, in blood
and tears,
I write
this, my last
goodbye.

Words that
she said
deeply pierce
my soul.

A symphony
of pain,
leaving wounds
that never heal,
leaving scars that
still remain.

Here I write
a final verse,
a silent plea
in ink and tears
to let me go
and set me free.

In these lines
Although hard
to write
I must find
my peace and heal
my plight.

Yes, here I stand,
resilient,
with ink-stained
hands and heart,
I write with
pain and sorrow
it's time for
us to part.

Although,
these lines
may make me feel
somewhat worse
I find solace
In the freedom
of my own verse.

In the mist of
shattered dreams,
I pen
this final poem
A requiem
for what once was
before we lost
the joy.

Her words cut me like a knife
Though I love her with all my might
I would sacrifice my very life yet
Something's just not feeling right

Once joyous and sublime, now
Her words cut me like a knife
I want to go back to those times
before all this drama and strife

I try express how I feel inside
and try to talk it out
Her words cut me like a knife
she says all I do is pout

We might be broken beyond repair
I fear where we may have arrived
I no longer know what to do when
Her words cut me like a knife

My life is a collection of hues brilliant and inert partly painted with pain and blood, a hodgepodge of wine and dirt.

Fold in the deepest oceans with a splash of goodbye tears mix with hot burning coals of a 'please come back' yearning that's lasted all these years.

I'll never be the freshly pinched cheeks of babies like the color of a rose, or a bright good morning sunshine, no, I'm neither of those.

I'm more like a starless night or hot desert sand beneath your feet, I'm not a crescendo I'm more like slight discomfort on repeat.

I live my life teetering on the edge
of obsession and despair.
Your words cut me like a knife
And you don't even seem to care.

My heart is breaking and hurt feelings
have become a constant companion to me
This is why I must let you go
and set my spirit free.

To heal the wounds of this unrequited love.
I must learn to take care of myself
put away the obsessive love ever so
high upon the shelf.

These ties that bind are hard to sever,
just thoughts of letting you go
makes me ache so very deep inside.
I love you, yes, but you don't love me
a fact that can no longer be denied.

I know you don't mean to hurt me
but your love is like a wildfire,
consuming all my common sense,
leaving behind nothing but
charred remnants.

Farewell, my darling love, though it
may break me in two, I must release you,
release this bitter heartache to
recreate myself anew.

Though tears may fall, and my heart
may be torn, I have to stop loving you,
and be reborn.

ONE CAN ONLY BE TOLD

act humble
stay silent
dress pretty
don't frown

BEFORE WANTING TO BE

totally invisible
permanently mute
hallmark like
someone else

AND SO OFTEN FEELING

I should try to be unseen
I should watch my every word
I should always look perfect
I should smile even when in pain

AFTER AWHILE IT'S LIKE

I learn to hide myself in plain sight
Songs speak the words I could never say
Food never stays inside me for  very long
I just want to get through another day

I loved you
but I didn't know
how to show it
I always seem
to blow it.

I loved you
such patience
and trust
but as usual
I was too much.

I loved you
your soft
sweet voice
but I pushed
so hard you really
had no choice.

I loved you
but I didn't
pay attention
to where we
were heading
and it was finally
the straw the
camel was dreading.

I loved you
but I didn't listen
now I'm all alone
and it's you
that I'm missing.

You're gone
I will never
see you
touch you
breath you in
again. But
in my words
you will be
immortalized.
I assure you
my darling
that with my pen
as my witness
you will be painted
in deep strokes
of ink to lie penned
onto supple paper.

I will describe
your laugh
your eyes
the way you
tuck your hair
behind your ear.

You will and
have already been
quoted
described
and yes,
cried over
page after page
baptized
in tears and ink
hundreds of times.

Some will see you
as a Villain while
others will swear
you are a Goddess.

And always
when you leave
as inevitably
you always do
I'll beg for
your return
But you'll be gone
but I promise
you'll live forever
always as
the only story
that ever really
mattered.

We are at an impasse
There's nothing I can say
at this point I think you're
better off if I just go away

I tried to talk to you
Just to explain how I feel
I try my best to keep it real

But you don't hear me when
I tell you I'm sad and I miss you
You only see complaints being issued

I pour out my heart to you
but you say being depressed
Is something I choose to be
but I just miss you so much
can't you see??

So, I bite my tongue so hard
there's blood in my mouth
I don't know what to say anymore
But I need to let it out

I'm confused and I feel
like we're out of touch
Maybe I say I love you
way too ******* much.

You accused me of being
like a broken record
on repeat
over and over
with no retreat.

At this point
I know I should
probably just go away
because I make you miserable
when I stay.

But like a moth to a flame
you just keep drawing me back
I want to be near you
without all this flack.

It's funny
all you really had to say
was "I miss you too"
but you never did which makes me
so ******* blue.

I will never know what
it feels like to be
a proud black woman.
   >>>BUT<<<
I will never
pretend like I do.
I have lived
62 years
In this country
and I have seen
Racism,
******,
And
Genocide
And it breaks
my heart and makes me
feel sick inside.

I will never know what
it feels like to be
a proud black woman.
who's turned down for a job
because of the color
of their skin.
But there are roughly
1.3 billion people
in the world who do.
I can see there's
something wrong
with that, can you?

I will never know what
It feels like to be
a proud black woman.
accused of breaking the law
just for Walking
down the street at night
Or have everything
in my life
be a constant struggle
and fight.

No, I will never know.
But I'll tell you
Right here and now,
I will never let the
color of someone's skin
Lead me to prejudge
what they are like
---->within<-----

We admire each other
us in our fancy best
at the wedding
of your brother
where we are the guest.

I touch your cheek,
kiss your lips
and feel your smile
on soft leather seats
in high class style.

I really love
this little black dress
you're wearing
the way it shows off
your thighs
with the blue hem
that sparkles
just like your eyes.

rolling up my
tuxedo shirt sleeves
your eyes dart up
as I put my hand
on your knee.

Ignoring the boxes
of rice on the floor
you put your feet
up on the seat
and your back
against the door.

My body fits perfect
between your thighs
with your breath
in my ear
the fact I'm excited
should be no surprise.

You wrap your hands
around my waist
I sigh as you
kiss my neck with
exceeding haste

I feel you
all over me
and myself in you.
It's bliss
even though it's not
the perfect venue.

Our sweat dances in unity,
your slips on the floor
then our rhythm is broken
by a TAP!, TAP!, TAP!  
on the limo door
Alas, our time together
is no more.

The city holds my heart
Where it sits so far away
at the crossroads of
the Black Sea and Marmara
on the Boğaziçi strait.

The city holds my heart
Buy a simit from the stand
riding the ferry all day
feeding the seagulls
from my hand.

The city holds my heart
The rhythm of the streets
the taxi and the delivery bikes
walking up and down the hills
matches the rhythm of my
heartbeat.

The city holds my heart
How the drivers honk by day
and by night, the meow of
the cats as they go their
merry way.

The city holds my heart
Waking up to the sound of
the squawking birds
telling me it's time to
awake and always demanding
to be heard.

The city holds my heart
My favorite place to be
with my eyes closed tight
listening to the Adhan
from the balcony.

The City holds my heart
The people hold such honor
I say to them “Elinize sağılık"
And bless the mothers
and the fathers.

The City holds my heart
The people on the street
The greatest to the least
the drunk man to the priest.
from North, South, West
and East.

The city holds my heart
The family I left behind
I love them, they're so kind
I pray that Allah always
Protects them until I can
return And once more make
the city mine.