I’m used to pulling all-nighters.
I’m used to very little sleep.
It’s the story of every insomniac.
But when I take a hit or do a line,
I’ll be awake for days at a time,
staying high enough to chase awake sleep.
I am on my fourth day of a binge,
and sleep continues to evade.
I don’t know if it would be worse
if i simply wait out the comedown,
or if i continue my breakdown.

the hardest thing to do,
is leave someone you’re still in love with.
but sometimes,
the best thing for you,
isn’t always the easiest.
and, as much as i love you
and everything you do,
the best thing for me,
will never be you.

What am i supposed to do?
Tell you i’m in love with you,
while you’re telling me you love another.

you’ll miss them
you’ll think of the good times with them
you’ll try to justify their behavior
you’ll break every time you hear their name
you’ll be constantly looking behind you
you’ll worry that they’ll come after you
you’ll lose trust in those you love
you’ll be broken for a long time
but you’ll eventually get better

you may have hurt me
but you did not break me
you did not destroy me.
i will always be stronger than you
simply because it’s the truth.
you are nothing
and that is what you will always be.

I keep saying that I’m going to stop using.
I’ve told my therapist and my friends,
but I start to get overwhelmed
and feel the need to relapse.

I make it one,
maybe two days,
before I’m chasing the high,
and ruining my life.

The longest I’ve lasted
was 25 hellish days.
But even after confessing,
I came back to my vice

If life was a never ending winter,
our love would be the icicles.
Never melting and sharp as ever,
Ready to fall, but never reaching that point.

Then we would be together forever,
us two against the world.
A daring duo prepared to fight for love,
No one would see us apart.

But life goes through seasons
And you know what people will say
A pair of women bonded in this way,
And i can’t deal with the stares.

So let’s make the most of tonight
Cause we don’t know what happens in the morn
And my parents don’t approve of this life.
If they find out about this forbidden tryst
We won’t make it out of this.

my heart still hurts when i see you
2. i haven’t gotten over you
3. i am still hopelessly in love with you
4. there are so many things i wish i had told you
5. my mom still asks about you. sometimes it seems like she cares more about you than she does me
6. i am still in part one of my recovery, where i say i’m getting help, but every night i’m falling apart.
7. i wish i didn’t let my jealousy get in the way of us
8. i still think of you
9. i still love you
10. it’s always you

Can’t you see that i love you?
I just can’t love you in the way that you want.
You are one of my best friends,
but the way you’re acting is tearing us apart.
When i finally met someone i like,
you should’ve been happy for me,
but all you’re doing is making me cry.
I can’t lose you as a friend,
but i can’t have you as a lover.

you were telling me you loved me
while you were having a child with her
you promised me forever and always
but i was nothing more
than a temporary phase

I’m addicted to you
and the way you made me feel.
I spent the nights after it ended
going through withdrawals
that were almost as bad as when i forgot my medication for three days straight.
Every time i saw you made me
want to relapse
just to feel your skin against mine.
Now i’m no longer addicted to you.
You’re just a bad memory
and a former fix.

i wanna say it doesn’t hurt,
but every time i see you with her,
my heart starts to ache.
i wanna day that i don’t love you anymore
but every time i see your face,
i miss what we had.
i don’t regret leaving you,
because if i had stayed,
my heart would be breaking everyday.

my friends keep bringing you up
because they don’t know what happened between us.
everyday i’m forced to relive the heartbreak because we had to keep what we were doing a secret.
all i want to do is cry when i hear your name but i haven’t even shed a tear.
not even when you ended what we had

I want to say that I didn’t love the burn,
the one single tear falling.
I want to say that I only did it once,
but that would be a lie.
I want to say that I loved it more than you,
but you introduced me.
I loved it as much as I did you.

i only stayed with you to get my fix.
i’m not sure which was more attractive
how you treated me
or
the drugs you gave me.
when we were together
i felt like i could say anything.
it was probably just the drugs.
i only stayed because of the drugs.
that is what i keep telling myself.
i didn’t care for you,
i just used you for the drugs.
that’s all it was.
i was addicted to them
not you
never you.
that is what i keep telling myself.
i was just addicted to the adrenalin.
there was no emotion.
i didn’t like you.
i just liked the things you do.

i wish i believed in god,
if only to blame him for my issues.
i wish i believed in god,
just to tell him that he has not beaten me.
i am broken and bruised,
but the blood that stains my past
will not stain my future.
i wish i believed in god,
because when i am in need of help,
i have my mirror to aid me.
i wish i believed in god,
to blame anything but my genetics.
i wish i believed in god,
if only to have hope for the future.
i am not broken. i am not beaten.
i am angry and i will claw my way out
of this hell of my own construction.

It’s been over a week since you ended it
and i'm still hung up on you.
I still have feelings for you,
but i know they aren’t returned
because you got with another before the night was over.
I’m stuck in a tunnel of unrequited feelings.

i want to delete,
all the messages we sent,
and all the pictures we took,
but i’m scared that once i do,
everything we had,
will turn out to be my imagination.
and i’m not ready to let go of what we had

i act like i’m heartless
to protect myself from the pain.
i pretend i don’t feel anything,
but every time i see you,
it’s like knives are entering my heart.
every word you say to me,
is tearing me apart.
leaving you broke me,
some might say i turned heartless,
but really,
i’m just using my heart less.

i tried to warn you to stay away,
from my poison and pain.
i tried to show you i’m toxic.
the brightest things in nature,
are the most poisonous,
and you’ve seen my hair.
it’s been every shade,
bright and vibrant.
so you can’t blame me for your hurt.

i didn’t fear death until i almost died.
i used to welcome its cold grasp.
i used to wish it upon myself.
now all i want to do is live.
i want to feel the sun on my skin.
i want to see my family live and grow.
i want to love again.
i finally want to live after 8 years of pain

i like to describe my mental illness as an ocean.
my depression is the water,
swirling around me
and
even when it’s calm,
i am being bombarded by the current.
when it’s not calm,
i am dragged under by the waves.
my anxiety is a shark,
even when i can’t see it,
it’s there,
stalking me from the deep.
when i have a panic attack,
the sharks fly into a frenzy,
attacking every part of my mind,
ripping me into shreds.
everyone around me can’t see the sharks,
they can’t feel the waves,
but i am being swept out by the riptide.
And i never learned to swim.

i’m sorry that i had to let you go,
my heart just couldn’t take the uncertainty
i’m sorry that it didn’t last longer,
i’m not good with commitment.
i couldn’t go on watching you and her.
you say you’re over her,
you say you’re just friends,
but i see the way you look at her,
i see the way you act when you’re together
i couldn’t stand between you two.
even though i am still so in love with you,
it’s time for you to leave.
my heart aches,
but i know this is right.
you are meant to be,
and i’m not going to get in the way of that.
you say i’m the one for you,
but we both know better.
it’s time for me to let go

It’s been exactly one year
since the day that started my downfall.
It’s been exactly one year
since i was broken beyond repair.
It’s been exactly one year
since I lost everything.

Are you there, God?
Can you hear my prayers?
Do you see my pain?
Will you forgive the sinners
who curse your name?
Is there a way to save my soul?

Can i still enter your kingdom?
Do you love me unconditionally?
Will you always love me?
Who could ever love me?
Is there anyway to save me?
Are you even there?

Do you wish you hadn’t created us?
Can you love an atheist like me?
Is there even a soul in my walking corpse?
Do you even exist?
Will you forgive all?
Are you even there, God?

i can’t blame you
for how it ended.
i was the one who couldn’t admit
how i really felt about you.
i wasn’t able to let you in completely
or let you get too close.
only now i let you go,
am i realizing
that we were doomed from the start

i am sick.
i don’t say that to get pity.
i say that because it is a fact.
my illness doesn’t allow me to sleep.
or eat.
or love.
my illness controls me.
i spend my days practicing a smile
at night, i fall apart.
i slice my skin and wish for death.
if i were to die, i wouldn’t be happy,
i just wouldn’t exist anymore.
my anger and sadness and hopelessness
would all cease to exist,
and i would finally be at peace.
suicide may be considered a sin,
but i am pagan.
my gods would accept my surrender.
but my mother would not.
nor would the rest of my loved ones.
but i am not them,
and i just want to die.
my illness is what causes this.
my illness is what keeps me sick.
and i am so sick.
i am just so sick.

while i was sobbing in my room,
you were with her.
while i was having panic attacks,
you were with her.
it’s was always her.
i was just a placeholder,
only there to occupy your lonely nights.
it took me months to realize,
how messed up we really were.
you could never love me,
because you’ll always be in love with her.

I felt as though i’d wandered into heaven
when i did my first line.
I felt untouchable and perfect,
but addiction did nothing for me.
As the pounds fell off my body,
I realized that i sold my soul to satan.

i cannot love you,
i cannot even love myself.
i can’t expose the part of myself,
that holds my heart.
i cannot bring myself to care for another,
when i can’t care for myself.
i don’t want you to have to deal with me,
i don’t want to deal with me.
my heart was broken long ago
by a girl who cut all her hair off
and told me she loved me.
but when you love someone,
you’ll do anything for them,
and i couldn’t give her what she wanted.
so when i say i can’t love you,
it’s because my heart belongs to another.
i can’t love you
because i haven’t loved since her.

I miss the comfort of being sad. I miss those nights when I would cry every tear I had inside me. I miss the relief I would feel those nights. I miss knowing what to expect when it came down to that ache inside my chest.

why was i not enough for you?
am i just too much of the wrong thing?
i already changed myself for you,
i would’ve changed even more.
i want to say i hate you
for everything you did to me,
but i love you as much as before.
i’m still in love with a cheater.
i’m still in love with the one who broke me

I wanna text you.
I wanna call.
But I’ve realized that if i reach out,
I’ll just get hurt.
I still want you,
But i’m learning that what i want
is not what is best for me.

Please god, any god that is willing to listen,
free me from my self-made prison.
I locked the door and threw away the key.
Please, anyone that is willing to listen,
help me find the key that i lost.
I can’t see in this darkness anymore.
My eyes are open,
but all i see is my illness.
I can’t see the cell i made myself,
nor can i see the key to escape.

i can never be her,
so why did you say you want me.
i see the way you look at her.
she’s your entire world.
we would never work out.
i’m too ****** up.
we’d never have what you have with her.
you say you love me,
but all you think of is her.
you say that i’m the one for you,
but you spend all your time with her.
i can’t even admit that i like you,
and she’s given you her heart.
i’m sorry i can’t be what you need.
i’m sorry i can’t love you.
but i still don’t want you with her.
it’s selfish, i know.
but my heart beats for you.
i’ve become dependent on you.
ive completely fallen for you.
but she’s the one that you deserve.

i love you so much,
but i can’t deal with the insecurity.
whenever i see you with her,
i start to burn with jealousy.
you say you’re just friends,
but i see how you look at her.
she was your first love.
how can i compete with that?
i see how you are together.
i see how close you are.
and it’s eating me alive.
i’m sure that if you had the choice,
you’d choose her over me any day.
i just don’t measure up to her.

someone said that you die twice,
once when your soul leaves your body
and when someone speaks your name for the last time.
because of this,
i keep my name to myself.
when i die,
i never want someone to know my name.

i shouldn’t be wasting my words on you,
but my heart is breaking open,
and i need to get them out,
before they start spilling from my lips.
i shouldn’t be dedicating my poems to you
since i know you’ll never read them,
but i can’t keep the words in.
i knew we wouldn’t last,
i was the one who couldn’t commit,
but that doesn’t mean i don’t love you.
it just means the heartbreak will pass

I keep saying that i’m going to cut him off,
but every time he texts me,
i’m rushing to respond,
i’m always going out with him.
I keep saying that i’m done with him,
but he makes me feel wanted.
And i would rather lose myself than
leave him.

you don’t know how much it hurt
when i decided to let you go.
you deserve so much more than me
and i was just dragging you down.
you shouldn’t have to put up with me
and my endless problems.
when i said i couldn’t commit,
i was just giving you an out.
you don’t know how much it hurt,
when you said you weren’t.

I wish i could love you.
I wish i could spend my days thinking of you.
I wish that my heart would ache when you’re not around.
I wish that we could be together.

But i can’t love you.
And i spend my days thinking of death.
And my heart only aches when i get heartburn.
We just can’t be together.

You are too good for me.
You care about people.
You are nice and kind and good.
You deserve someone like you.

I am not good.
I don’t care about anyone but myself.
I am mean and cruel and unloveable.
I don’t deserve to feel loved.

I’m sorry that i can’t love you.
I’m sorry that i’m so twisted.
I’m sorry that I’m not good enough.
I’m sorry that i gave you a chance.

I don’t deserve someone like you.
You don’t deserve someone as ****** as me.
Everyone knows you belong with her.
And no one knows that i let you in.

So leave while you can,
Before you get too attached.
I can’t bring myself to let you go.
So take this chance.

Go be with the one you should.
Go love someone that will love you back.
Leave me here to rot.
Just go while you still can.

Maybe i could love you,
If i wasn’t so ******.
Maybe i could love you,
if i felt that i deserved love.

I’m going to **** myself soon.
And i don’t want you to feel that.
I’m going to be leaving soon,
And i don’t want you to regret what we had.

She was beautiful
and he was kind.
She was smart,
and i was blind.

I couldn’t see myself with any.
They deserve more than me.
If they get too close,
my secrets will spill.
If they get too close,
my eyes will spill.

My heart beats only for one,
and he left me long ago.
Disappeared from my life,
much like a ghost.

Yet still i wait for him,
as though he may return.
He made his decision,
and i can’t accept.

He ruined me for any other.
He told me i was special.
And when he told her that,
I knew that i couldn’t be.

I am like a bomb,
ready to explode,
destroying all my relationships,
and self destructing til i ghost.

I may not be around for long,
but don’t take me for granted.
When i am able to,
I love hard and fast.

But as soon as you say you do,
I will run faster than i love.
My heart is sealed,
My walls are up,
And I won’t love you
No matter what.

i’ve stopped cutting
because i’ve found a new release.
i breathe in the smoke,
each hit destroying my lungs.
i know the danger.
i know the risks.
i don’t care anymore.
i’ve got a self destructive personality,
and, darling, nicotine tastes so sweet.

There’s this girl
who spends her nights laying awake,
wishing to find a reason to live.
She goes through each day fighting,
trying to survive to the next.
She has been hurt so many times,
more than anyone could count.
Her trauma outweighs her will to live.
Her brain tells her that she
does not deserve to live.
She is me
and I will not stop fighting.

you said it didn’t hurt,
when i broke it off.
you asked if we could still be friends,
not knowing that being around you,
would break my heart even more.
i said i couldn’t commit,
but it was you who couldn’t take my heart.
i’m falling into pieces,
while you talk to her.
what we had didn’t mean much to you,
but you were my everything.
while i was texting you,
you were calling her.
i can’t deal with this anymore.
i can’t take the ache,
knowing that if you had to choose
between me and her,
it’d always be her.
forever her.
i don’t know what hurts more,
knowing that what we had was temporary
or wishing that it lasted longer.

i haven’t slept much since i saw you last.
it’s hard to fall asleep
when i no longer have you watching over me.
our late night calls were my saving grace.
i was finally able to get enough rest.
but now i’m back at the start.
my nights are filled with sleeping pills that don’t work
and tears when i think of you.
i’d rather stay awake for ever,
than dream of what we could have had.

I keep telling myself
“Just one more hit”
“One more line”
“One more night”
But every time I see you or the ice,
my addiction is back once more
and i’m left looking
searching
begging
for a high like the one i got from both of you.

i’ve blocked your number.
i’ve deleted our pictures.
i tell anyone who asks,
“he was just a phase”.
but when i see you with her,
my heart is breaking.
i can’t stand seeing you with another,
knowing that i messed up something great.
i can see my mistakes.
i can see my flaws.
i know i messed up.
but every morning,
i wake up,
and tell myself,
you mean nothing to me.

At this point
I’d do anything to be over you.
But i don’t want to.
I want to go back to the way we were before.
But everything you do hurts me.
So now i’m ready to let you go,
even if my heart still holds on.