I thought we were forever
together til the end.
A story fit for a fairy tale
but you were the dragon
and I was the princess locked in a tower.
You took away my friends and family
made me dependent on a drug.
Always and forever?
We didn’t even last to September.

the night that i met you,
i slept in another’s bed.
when i saw you again,
thoughts of him disappeared.
i forgot every part of me and him.
i just wanted to hold onto you.
but you, my beautiful peach,
had no clue the ties i held.
he owns my heart,
he fuels my addiction.
even when thoughts of you consume me,
i have to run to him for my next hit.

It’s been almost two years,
since i last saw her face.
All i remember,
are her tear stained cheeks,
before she ran without a trace.
She was my first and only.
I loved her like no other.
But to her,
i was just a placeholder.
She only had room for one in her life,
a boy who she loved with all her heart.
He shattered her spirit to pieces,
and i couldn’t glue her back together.
To her, i was just another girl.
To me, she was my world.

The pain I feel is much too great.
It’s a giant beast
inside my brain.
The ice I give calms it down.
But the high it feels is so short lived.
As soon as it wakes,
I’m in pain once more.
Mental shockwaves destroying my core.
The drugs numb the pain inside.
They help me want to live at night.

The worst drug I’ve ever encountered,
is the one that makes everything disappear.  
It makes all your ails go away.
It makes everything seem okay.
I could survive the withdrawals of ****,
but I don’t think I can cope with the loss of you.

Appetite suppressants can be dangerous
when you have a history of EDs.
It’s so easy to lose yourself
when you are high as a kite.
It is so easy to drop 5,10,15,30 pounds
when even thinking about food
makes you incredibly nauseas.
It’s so easy to relapse into old behaviors
when you are fulfilling the dreams
of you from long ago.

I keep telling myself
“Just one more hit”
“One more line”
“One more night”
But every time I see you or the ice,
my addiction is back once more
and i’m left looking
searching
begging
for a high like the one i got from both of you.

When we first started talking,
I had no expectations.
We were just friends
and that’s how it should have stayed.
But i can’t control my heart
and it was already frayed.

i’m sick of the sleepless nights
where i am kept awake with anxiety.
i’m done with the constant calls
where you disregard my feelings.
i’m over the days you ignore me
because you have something “better”.
i’m getting rid of you
to prioritize myself.

Five months ago,
my life was almost destroyed.
The things he did to me broke me.
I tried to ignore what happened.
I tried to cope with it alone.
But five months ago,
I was sexually assaulted
and only now,
am I doing what I should’ve done then.
The law may not be able to stop him,
but my family and friends will protect me.
I wasn’t able to stop him from hurting me,
but I will do everything in my power
to keep him from doing any more.

i can’t smoke cigarettes anymore
because they remind me of my time with you.
i can’t drink tequila anymore
because it reminds me of that night
i can’t even hang out with you anymore
because all the time i spend with you
just makes the pain so much worse.

I am so in love with you.
Anytime i hear your name,
My heart beats a bit faster.
every time i see your face,
my pulse skyrockets.

But i’m not the one you really want.
I see it in your eyes.
When in bed with me,
She clouds your mind.

If i could choose between,
your happiness and mine,
yours would come first anytime.
I’m just not good for you.
And you’re not mine.

When you see her,
your face lights up.
Your eyes shine like stars,
but i will never be her.

My love for you,
outshines my issues.
You can make me smile,
like no other,
but i am still not her.

I’m sorry for my problems.
I’m sorry for my flaws.
If i could pick and choose
There’s no choice to make.

You may be the one for me,
But i do nothing but fill an empty seat.
My body is a placeholder,
for the girl you really want,
And i am not her.

I want to say that i’m in recovery.
I want to say that I’m getting better.
I want to say that i’m over it,
over you.
But it’s just relapse after relapse.
Hit after hit.
Line after line.
Night after night.  
I’m stuck in a cycle of abuse.
But you’re not the one hurting me.
You’re not the one destroying me.
It’s the drugs
and the late nights.
And myself

I don’t know which i miss more,
You?
Or the drugs?

i blocked your number,
you got a new one.
i blocked all your accounts,
you used your friends.
i told you to leave me alone,
you contacted me anyway.
so now the law is involved,
and you have to stay away

Everyone says that I look exactly like her,
but they don’t know how similar we are.
We have faced the same demons,
tasted the ice from satan himself.
We have fought the same beasts,
trying to avoid our addictions.
I may not get along with her,
but I walk the path she did,
and I can only hope to not lose my way

Let’s get high together.
Spend the rest of our lives together.
Just for one night
Be my now or never.
Life’s too short to be alone forever.
These drugs are too strong to live whenever.
Let’s overdose and take tonight together.

I once had a step-brother.
Everyone knew he was bad.
But when I revealed what he did that night,
everyone was stunned.
He tore my life into pieces,
shattered my mind and soul.
He almost stole my dignity.
He almost took it all.
That night, he did more than hurt me.
He made it impossible to live.
But then I started fighting.
And i can’t forgive.
He broke something inside of me.
He almost drove me to **** myself.
He almost killed me himself.
So now, I’m an only child.
With him left fighting the law.
Because if you try to hurt me,
I will fight with tooth and claw.

I jump from obsession to obsession,
each more addicting than the last.
At first, it was an eating disorder.
Then it was cutting.
Then it was him,
the one I thought would stay.
Then it was ****,
who destroyed me more than the others.
He was the one who showed me ****,
and now he’s quitting.
But I am in love with her.
I’m infatuated.
I’m addicted.

i know i should delete our texts,
our pictures,
our memories.
but i don’t feel ready to get rid of you,
to remove you from my life.
i know i should block your number,
your instagram,
your snapchat.
but it feels so absolute.
i don’t feel prepared to live without you.

every time you yelled
or threatened to leave,
i told myself it was because you loved me.
now i realize
how toxic you were

you probably didn’t think much about it
when you said that your friend thought
that i was cute.
but you don’t know that i’ve known him,
probably longer than any of you have.
you don’t know that when you came over,
my entire body was shaking.
you don’t know that even approaching me
caused my anxiety to skyrocket.
you don’t know that what you said hurt.
you don’t know that i hate myself.
you don’t know that even i know
that most people are not attracted to me.
not when i look the way i do.

I can tell I’m getting sad again,
because the words just won’t stop flowing.
I can tell I’m getting bad again,
because I can’t go a day without seeing your face.
I can tell I’m spiraling again,
because all I think about is relapse.
I can tell I’m falling again,
because my days are filled with fog.

It has been 5 long months,
since the night that almost ruined me.
For 5 months,
I kept secret what he had done,
but you have been there for me.
My rock,
My stability,
My protector.
Only recently did I report his actions
and the detectives say
that nothing might happen.
But I am on the road to recovery.
If I were alone on this journey,
I would’ve passed long ago,
but my savior has been there for me,
lighting my path home.
I won’t call myself a victim
because I will not let him affect me.
I will call myself a survivor
when I can forgive myself
for what he did to me.

My heart dropped when i read your text.
You said you found another
and you couldn’t be with me.
It sent me spiraling.
I didn’t understand.
If you had truly loved me,
how could you chose someone else?
But now i get it.
You never did love me.
I was just there until you found
someone better.

i should have let you go
the first time you threatened to leave

i have started to feel like van gogh,
the paint is starting to look appetizing.
maybe when i finally die,
people will romanticize me like him.
maybe when i die,
people will idolize me like him.
but i’m not nearly as good at what i do.
we know him for a reason,
i’ll just be known
as the one who couldn’t make it

I bleached my hair a pale blonde
because when we were together,
it was a dark purple.
I’m letting my hair grow out
because when you said you loved me,
it was shaved to almost nothing.
I gave myself a tattoo
because when you laid with me
I didn’t have any.
I am getting over you
because even though i still am attached,
I can’t let myself hurt any longer.
I will change every part of me
just so i’m not reminded.
I will not let you destroy me
because i am the only one that holds the power.

I am trying to recover,
recover from the assault,
recover from my addiction,
recover from my trauma,
but everything I do feels like enabling my issues

Like a forgotten god, she walks alone.
As for her sins, she must atone.
She tastes ash in everything she eats,
blood in everything she drinks.  
And she walks alone.

Her stride is quick and confident.
Her mind is dark and incompetent.
When others look upon her,
they see nothing of her former self.
Dark, outgoing, mysterious,
All thoughts that pass.
And she walks alone.

Quiet and shakily, she tells her tales.
Nothing of substance is revealed.
She wears black like heavy armor,
attempting to shield herself from the world.
And she walks alone.

The mask upon her face is to protect,
shielding her emotions, as she is a wreck.
One she trusts, she shouts with glee,
“Jackson!” she calls
“Kendahl!” says he.

When one door closes, another opens,
But this room is made of glass.
All can see her suffering
But none shall pass.
And she is alone.

Her hair is an ever changing rainbow,
hues of pinks, reds, and blues.
With headphones in her ears
She acts as though she doesn’t hear,
the judgmental words of her peers.
And she walks alone.

If people were colors,
she would be black.
Strong, Rebellious, Dangerous.
She would be red.
Angry, Powerful, Passionate.
She would paint the walls with her colors.
But people aren’t colors.
People are pack animals.
And she is alone.

She haunts this world like a goddess from long ago.
Wandering from class to class,
A modern day zombie.
Her confident stride is filled with lies.
Her lack of fear is just a facade.
She is the monster in your closet.
She is the demon in your nightmares
And she is always alone.

Her legs twitch with anxiety.
Her hands shake with untapped potential.
Mind racing with every thought.
She carries herself like something old and lost.
And she walks alone.

Cut her open and you shall see.
The abandoned child that is beneath.
She chokes on the words she is unable to say.
Every “i love you” dies away.
What happens to the girl who seems strong?
She withers away until everything is gone.
But she is the rainbow.
Bloodstained and broken and still flying high.
But like everyone knows,
Icarus had to fly before he fell.

I gave myself to you,
but you broke me into pieces
just to cut lines.
Now all that’s left of me
are small shards.
Drugs won’t break your heart,
but you were my addiction
and you destroyed me.

You saw the scars i carved into my skin,
said you had some too.
We shared tales of our trauma
and stories of our lives.
I thought we might end up together.
But you found another.
Hopefully one who makes you smile,
like i once did.
I don’t hate you or even her.
I just hate myself for allowing you in.

i hope you rot in hell
i hope your corpse decays while you still occupy it
i hope you sit in a cell
counting the days
like i did while with you
you kept me a prisoner
you hurt me time and time again
you made me hate myself
but now i hate you
i hate you more than i hate my r*pist
because he destroyed me one night
but with you
it was every night for nine months

I said i was going to get clean weeks ago.
I said that my last sack was my last.
I am stuck in the cycle of addiction.
There is no escape for me unless i want it
And I feel so much better when i’m high
So my journey on this path continues,
Only to be stopped by death or jail.

I started the drugs to numb the pain,
an attempt to forget that almost r*pe.
My life was out of control,
one step away from a rope or pills.
I’ve been destroying myself,
to try to feel like myself.
I’m trying to accept the fact
that i am not yet dead,
that my story did not close on that chapter.
I’m trying to get sober,
trying to be human,
trying to be me,
but all I can see,
are flashbacks of that night.

I will shout your name from the rooftops,
I will tell everyone what you did,
I will share my story to all who listen,
I will remove all power from you,
I will do whatever it takes,
to make you obsolete.
I will do whatever i need,
to make you meaningless

When i start to feel the urge,
to slice my skin into ribbons,
instead i pull out my kit,
and prepare to give myself another tattoo,
because even though it hurts,
the end result is more beautiful
than any scar.

i’ve had less panic attacks
all because of my medication.
i have to admit
i miss the comfort in knowing them.
the panic showed that i cared.
it showed that i still felt something.
now my entire world is just
numb

I don’t want to call myself a victim,
even though what you did destroyed me, made me question life,
question myself.
I’m still surviving,
still working towards meeting myself.
Not the person I was before any of this,
but the person I will be after I’ve healed.
I am not a victim
because I do not feel like one.
I am not yet a survivor
because I am not yet over it.
I am still not myself
because you still haunt my life.
Right now,
I am just a person.
One who has been dragged to hell
and is just starting to crawl their way back.
You tried to end my story,
but you were just one bad chapter.
I am the one controlling my actions
and I will not be destroyed by yours.

I started the drugs as a way to feel okay.
I didn’t go all in
I just took a few pills.
Now I lay awake at night regretting
what i’ve smoked,
what i’ve snorted,
what i’ve done.
I can’t escape my addictions.
I can only escape this body of mine.

you don’t know how horrible addiction is
until you have been controlled by it.
you don’t know how easy it is
to completely surrender to
something that will **** you.
you don’t know how despicable it is
until you are at deaths door
because of addiction.

Hands shaking constantly,
heart beating out of my chest,
mind racing a million miles a minute.
Unable to eat,
unable to sleep,
barely able to choke down water.
Pounds disappear from under my skin,
down almost 20%.
Random bruises appearing,
my cuticles always bleeding.
I want to say I don’t enjoy it,
but the euphoria is worth it.
My queen loves me,
my ice queen,
my methamphetamine.

addiction steals everything from you.
it takes your life and steals your soul.
my mother no longer see me as her daughter;
she sees me as just an addict.
my friends don’t see me as their own;
they see me as someone who hurt them,
betrayed their trust,
destroyed our friendship.
addiction is no simple thing.
it takes and takes and takes
until you are nothing but an empty shell.
addiction is hell

I’m spiraling again,
back into the folds of my illness.
I can see the signs,
I can feel the degradation of my mind.
I know the things i’m doing are destructive,
but they are the things keeping me alive.
The things keeping me alive now,
will be the things that destroy me later.
They will come back to bite me.
They will destroy my body,
more than i could do with my bare hand.
I’m in a downward spiral,
and i don’t have the strength,
to bring myself back up.

I knew what we had was temporary
all because it was supposed to be
“no strings attached”.
Everyone knows how this story ends,
one party catches feelings and is left heartbroken,
until, magically, the other person feels the same.
But that isn’t how my story ends.
Im left longing for him
while some other girl lay with him.

I used to be in your shoes,
leading people on
making them think they had a chance.
I leave a trail of broken hearts behind me
so maybe this is what i get.
You ripped my heart out and stole the rest.
You ruined me,
But still, I love you.

When you gave me a tarot reading,
in a park in the middle of the night,
he was sitting right across from me.
I did a three card reading.
My present came up as the devil.
None of us knew the meaning,
but we were all shocked.
As we looked it up,
it all became clear.
The card means unhealthy relationships,
addiction.
It represents your shadow self,
and i am constantly held back by myself.

you kept me alive when all i wanted to do was die,
but now you’re the one killing me.

you told me that you’d be here
forever and always,
but that turned into a lie,
and ended in 7 months and 20 days

you chose her before i was even an option.
you lied again and again,
saying i was the one for you.
but she is the one you married
and i’m the one left here.
i have so much to say to you,
but you aren’t listening.