I need to teach myself
that when they leave,
when they fall out of love,
when they reject,
It's not always because of my inadequacy
but rather it speaks
volumes about them.

When we don't receive attention
from someone,
we search for it in others.
But rarely choose to look
for it in ourselves.

My dreams are heavy,
that I often wake up
gasping for air.

My dreams are dark,
etched with loss and heartaches
that I wake up searching
for happiness.

My dreams feel real,
that I often **** up
trying to soak in reality
when emotionally and mentally
I feel the residue of the trauma
of being dragged through those lands.

Why do you
keep going
back to the ones who've hurt you
wasn't the memory enough?

Why do you
keep going
back to the toxicity
wasn't one inhalation enough?

Aching void,
what do you crave?
What will satisfy
the emptiness that expands
and throbs?

My thoughts are on a merry go round,
churning my mind in perpetual cycles
till it has been named chaos.

A certain memory rings in my ear,
deafening out the world;
as it climbs and slithers down my spine
echoing through the hollow shell I've become.

Maybe,
I never felt deserving
or enough
for love.
So, I let
my mind break my heart,
before you get a chance
to break it.