I do not fear the usual

Like monsters under my bed

Or flying in a plane

What makes my palms sweat

And my heart thrum

And my body shake
Instead, is quite small


And most don’t understand

The fear it causes
Knocking on a stranger’s door

Asking customer service for help 

Or making a phone call

Answering a question wrong 

Picking up a prescription

And ordering fast food
Simple tasks that anyone can do

That should be easy 


Make me squirm
Anxiety doesn’t choose obvious fears

That other people will understand

And help me with

Anxiety chooses the little things

That no one will really get

And maybe they’ll think it’s weird

So I’m left standing all alone

In a grocery store or super market

Terrified out of my mind

I got two hours of sleep last night

No, it wasn’t because I was working on the essay that was due today
I couldn’t care less about the essay

Actually, I could
Because I care too much about everything
and that’s why I was up all night

I’ve spent countless sleepless nights worrying about every moment that’s gone wrong
Wincing about every word I stuttered over
Analyzing every glance I received
And it makes me wake up with bruises underneath my eyes

My mom didn’t make me go to school today, even though she knew I should
She wants to scream at me to get out of bed, to do something with myself
But I think my empty stare and my cheeks stained raw like a ripe pomegranate
stop her from making me do anything

I haven’t washed my hair in three days
The thought of leaving my room ties a knot in my stomach that can’t be undone
And why doesn’t my dad understand
That I don’t feel like dragging my body around because it’s as if it’s a bag of sand?

My doctor told me that I have anxiety
headaches
trembling
nausea
lightheadedness
trouble swallowing food
excessive, o  n  g  o  i  n  g worrying and tension
difficulty concentrating
trouble falling asleep
                                       or
                                              staying
        ­                                                     asleep

I didn’t get to sleep tonight

I'm sorry is all I can repeat
As I sob with tears
welling in my glossy eyes
Burying my face between
my drenched sleeves
Gasping for air

Just wishing
To be anywhere
But here
To feel anything
But this
To be anyone
But me

Sometimes I get lost
I get lost in my head
In my mind
In my brain
Sometimes I can't find my way out
I can't find common sense
I can't find sanity
Sometimes
I get lost
I can't find my way out
I can't stand up
I can't walk
I can't keep looking
But I have to keep trying
I can't give up
Yet
I need to find myself
I think I have gone beyond myself
But I'm going to keep trying
To
   Find
       My
          Way
Back out.

I’m a functionally depressed person.
I’ve self-diagnosed myself as this
Because severe depression makes
Me feel like I should be lying
Around my house all day and
Although I’d rather wrap myself
In the blankets of my bed,
I push myself out into the day.
Dressed in an outfit that’s not
Sweatpants and a t-shirt, but
Instead, jeans and a sweater.
Long sleeves to cover the cuts
On my arm, or many bracelets
With no colors that match my
Outfit but they cover my
Self-inflicted wounds from
The night before.
I fake a smile at people
That I pass by during the day
And I hope that they can’t
See through my eyes and into
My head. I hope they can’t read
The suicidal thoughts swimming
Around, filling the lack of serotonin
That I’m missing from my brain.
Their eyes feel like lasers shooting
Into my brain like bullets that I dream
Of releasing from the chamber
To settle in my head.
I’m a functionally depressed person
Because I function in society
Without anyone knowing that
Inside, I’m already dead.

Yes, I'm that type of person.

I'm the type of person that gives up when it's hard.
I'm the type of person that can't stand to be alone.
I'm the type of person that's naturally depressed.
I'm the type of person that can't stand company.
I'm the type of person that's completely unmotivated.
I'm the type of person that forgets myself.
I'm the type of person that's emotionally weak.
I'm the type of person that changes by the hour.
I'm the type of person that has limited will power.
I'm the type of person that always sees what's wrong.
I'm the type of person that can't speak.
I'm the type of person that's often ignored.
I'm the type of person that doesn't pay attention.
I'm the type of person that rarely finishes.
I'm the type of person that allows chaos to happen.
I'm the type of person that can't always love.
I'm the type of person that has so much selfishness.
I'm the type of person that's stuck inside myself.
I'm the type of person that can't always see.
I'm the type of person that dwells in the dark.
I'm the type of person that becomes insensitive.
I'm the type of person that feels everything to the extreme.
I'm the type of person that dies at dusk every day.
I'm the type of person that tires much too quickly.
I'm the type of person that just doesn't care enough.
I'm the type of person that won't let you in.
I'm the type of person that has a low self-esteem.
I'm the type of person that raises my confidence by faking it.
I'm the type of person that's often getting lost.
I'm the type of person that's different.

Yes, I'm that type of person.

I'm the type of person that knows who I am.
I'm the type of person that gets back up to try again.
I'm the type of person that isn't afraid to ask.
I'm the type of person that offers help, even when you don't need it.
I'm the type of person that remembers what it felt like.
I'm the type of person that sees a person's soul.
I'm the type of person that usually thinks things through.
I'm the type of person that doesn't regret mistakes.
I'm the type of person that strives to be better.
I'm the type of person that has so much to give.
I'm the type of person that's concerned when you are not.
I'm the type of person that tries to be happy.
I'm the type of person that accepts the ones around me.
I'm the type of person that tries to understand.
I'm the type of person that still tries to work hard.
I'm the type of person that enjoys every silence.
I'm the type of person that dwells in notes of music.
I'm the type of person that won't stop loving.
I'm the type of person that forgives in an instant.
I'm the type of person that knows how to relax.
I'm the type of person that works towards perfection.
I'm the type of person that sees the good in people.
I'm the type of person that accepts my own differences.
I'm the type of person that is firm in my beliefs.
I'm the type of person that is open to change.
I'm the type of person that accepts my sexuality.
I'm the type of person that tries to be pretty.
I'm the type of person that can possess so much confidence.
I'm the type of person that is one with mind and heart.
I'm the type of person that creates peace around me.
I'm the type of person that knew you before you did.
I'm the type of person that you won't forget.

Yes, I'm that type of person.

But most importantly, I am myself.
I will meet you when you are yourself.
And I won't forget you.
So, please, don't forget me.

Yes, I'm that type of person.

I feel most at home
when my pencil is hitting the paper
or my fingers are hitting the keys

I write to have a voice
a voice that screams to be heard
a voice that has been crying out
for so long

I am no longer willing to sit in silence
I deserve to be heard
and I'll scream until someone listens

My pain has been overlooked
my words have been belittled
my voice has been hushed

But not for any longer