I am sure now that it was
only the idea of you.
The idea of you
clenched my heart in its
strong, unwavering hand.
My heart could no longer beat
without knowing your tight grip.

You’re fading now...
I’m learning to live without you.

(a.g.)

I always find myself looking back at my life and being thankful that I'm not sixteen anymore.
I think about all of the drugs I was high on.
I think about all of the men that I let touch my body because I was so desperate to be loved.
I think about how mean and angry I was.
I was so desperate to fit society's idea of perfect.
There was no one on this earth that hated me more than myself.

I always find myself looking back on my life and wishing I was 16 again.
I think about all of the adventures I went on.
I think about all of the people that I let touch my heart because I was so desperate to love.
I was so happy and carefree.
I didn't care that I wasn't society's idea of perfect.
No one loved me more than I loved myself.

I think about all of the thing I would change if I was sixteen again.
I think about all of the things I wouldn't change if I was sixteen again.

I think about all of the things I know now,
And I wonder why I'm still struggling to change myself.

You were toxic.
Tearing me mentally limb from limb.
I though I could trust you.
Let you in.
That was my mistake.
You took my heart and crushed it.
Like it was nothing.
Made me feel like I was nothing.
Now look at me.
Finding it hard to trust.
Hard to love.
All because you were my everything.
And to you I was nothing.

I saw you one day and never thought a thing
As we grew 3 years, I noticed
My heart decided to thump faster
I smiled shyly at you and you smiled back
So I asked you a question, over a note
You broke my heart...You won't ever know
I cried when you left, clutching your answer in my arms
Sobbing for days, broken inside
Last day of school, you gave me a hug

High school began and I saw you again
My heart betrayed me, no matter how much I trained it not to
You smiled at me, and I grimaced back
I wanted to hate you, and I let you know
You talked to me, asking why?
I can't tell you, I might cry
I keep a straight face, a bravado to cover my feelings
Yet somehow, I wish you could see a ***** through my armor

I have a class with you
I stare at you, hoping you stare back
When you do, I sneer at you and glare
I confuse myself
I have feelings

it eats away at you piece by piece
devouring you slowly yet all at once
its like a parasite
no - more like a tick
it ***** the life out of you but you don't feel a thing
not until its finished at least
because when its finished but not until its finished do you feel something
its very slight this feeling so slight you almost miss it
first its a pinch. then an itch. then a squeeze
and before you know it  you're stuck
stuck in place as every fiber go your being has become paralyzed
then you can't breathe and it feels as though cotton has been stuffed in your throat
you try to move you try to scream out
you try to breathe
but no one notices. especially not them
and honestly you don't even notice it yourself
because you're so blind and so ******* desperate
that the cotton suffocating you ever so slowly
feels more like milk and honey
the slight constant stinging pains feel like tickles to a child
you feel as bright and adventurous like a toddler
you feel as though you can take over the world
even though its killing you from the inside out
why is this happening? what is happening?
its simple really its a small thing almost microscopic
but it. impairs you like a car crash or a failed surgery
its a stupid little thing we give many names
as it kills you from the inside out