I still remember the feeling
Of how heavy my arms weighed
As I curled up to the risers of the stairs
I couldn't pick myself up from
After collapsing from the news.
I remember eyes staring at me,
Unsure of how to respond
To the usually stoic and strong me
Bawling uncontrollably
And heaving sobs wracking my body.
I remember cautious hands
Lifting my shoulders
And dragging me to bed
Where I stayed for three straight days.
I remember haziness setting in
And the following days and weeks
All blending into one.

I remember all that
But I don't remember your face.
Funny, isn't it?
What gets seared into our brains,
And what we lose because for so long
We took its presence for granted
Until it was too late
To remember.

i want to experience things.
life,
and all of its ins and outs.
its beautiful sorrows and painstaking highs.
i am a girl hungry to see the world.
ready to consume the sights i have yet to see.
to drink in revolutionary ideas with my mind.

The first time you are told
That you are beautiful
You will not believe it
You will swallow it down harshly
Like a glass of ethanol
Force a mona lisa smile on your unknowing face
And say thank you
Say it like it's something you're used to hearing
Like it actually means something
Like it doesn't hurt as much as it does
Compliments aren't supposed to hurt
But you were taught them backhanded
Raised on anticipation
Expecting to feel a sting after every one you're given
Conditioned to regard praise as unfamiliar
As foreign territory
Body only knowing warzone
And battlefield
Not knowing genuine
Body was never taught how to be loved
How to love
You were too busy trying to learn to love men with rough hands and heavy breath
Too busy giving away parts of you in hopes of getting something back
And what was left over never felt like enough
Felt hollow
Felt maybe you were never meant to feel like you are important
Or desirable
Or anything for that matter
So the next time you are called pretty
Or something of the kind
You will have mastered the art of acceptance
Will have memorized the routine
Will be able to swallow it down faster
Quicker
Will know how to bury it deep inside of you
Yet still bare a vacant hole underneath all of that skin
You were told at a young age
That there was too much of it
That nobody could ever love thick
That they only want thin
When he tells you that you're body is flower and stem
Is garden
Is beauty
Is something to be admired
You will feel the same kind of longing
You have felt so many times before
A kind of homesickness
For a body that has never quite felt like home
Too many residents have attempted to tear it down
Have set it aflame
Have tried to burn you to the ground
It takes someone who treats you well
To realize how incompetently the rest did
It takes someone with intentions of gold
To realize that the rest were just rust
Flattery may not be a language
That you will ever fully comprehend
But it will always be one that is
Unavoidable
You will learn to nod your head
Learn to agree with a cause you might never truly believe in
Might as well accept the inevitable
So when you are told
That you are beautiful
Do everything in your power
To hide your disbelief
Your skepticism
Your complete disregard towards them
Your inability to understand how anyone could ever possibly love something like you
When you are told
That you are worthy
Do your best
To smile
And make it seem like you already know
Like you have known it
For a very
Long time.

I am not the girl you marry
I am the girl who 10 years from now
Will out of nowhere cross your mind
In the midst of contentedness
And have you wondering
What happened to her
I am not the girl you swear forever to
I am the girl who you'll think of
When you ***** your finger on the diamond ring
You bought for the one you plan on spending your life with
I am not the girl you have to try to forget
I am not memorable
In any particular way
But one day you will think of me
When you're sitting in a bar
And the short blonde girl next to you
Orders a glass
Of whisky.

His name was whispered but soon forgot,
as I drew in all my breath.
He is what I want
..at this moment...
Both exposed and uncovered.
A casual encounter where he like others would want more...
I put my fingers to his lips,
shhh.
Linger in this moment.
Let excitement be electric.
Your name is invalid.

School girl crushes never fade,
As fast as the flavor of bubble gum.
Yet both bubbles burst just as suddenly.
One disappointed and sticky,
The other broken and sad.
Imagine my delight when I found you. Fairy tales and fantasy have faded into lost hope by now.
Age has escaped the time of youth. How could you possibly not ever be mine?
My body aches,
Tells me it wants you inside.
Crushes are for school girls I tell it. hush
please my thoughts of you,
Always come intertwined with doubt.
words dare not part my lips correctly,
So I settle for laughter shared.
I can't help but think...
School girl crushes never fade,
As fast as the flavor of bubble gum.

I jump into things too much, too quickly
And often regret it later

I don't jump off of things much at all
And also regret it later.

I emptied myself to make room for more beauty
More loveliness and grace
More feminine glow and fragile perfection
And tight skin over protruding bones
But I lost all my kindness
And my compassion
I emptied my sympathy for others
And now I'm full of rosy allure but not much else.

Wasn't I quiet enough for you?

Did I keep your secret tucked far enough under the sheets,
Where even now,
You can't admit I have laid.

Because if you did,
You'd have to admit the never leaving,
Because it never left.
Longing always lingers in the silence between.

You've hidden me in the folds of the blanket.
Always searching through memories,
Just for a moment of what once was.

I can't return your calls.
My absence now echos through us both.
The indent of my body growing stale,
Like fading perfume on the pillow.

I know it in the way you once kissed me.
Yet now,
You only whisper my name to the bed sheets.